Monday, February 06, 2006

News from the land of WTF!

Judge to woman: Don't send "mixed messages"
"What the judge thinks doesn't matter a damn," said Judge Erber after the verdict had been delivered. "But I think in the circumstances it would have been very unsafe for any other verdict to be returned."
Apparently if you are friendly to a man and allow him to stay in your bed this judge and jury thinks it's then ok for him to rape you. Yes you read that right. (Although through my own experience I have found that many supposed "friends" of mine who were supposed "anarchists" (I truly believe you can't be an anarchist if you're not against sexism. All hierarchy is bad, isn't that what anarchy's about?) have felt that it's ok to molest me while I'm sleeping b/c I was mistaken in believing that they were my friends and saw me as human. (I used to be so idealistic. Damn me for thinking my "peers" thought of me as one of them and not some sex toy that they were entitled to.) GAH!!! So what does this mean for us? That god forbid we treat men like our friends? See, guess I should definitely not make that mistake. (Which, judging by asshole Luke, seems to only prove this point. I had to leave my *own* house because he doesn't understand that when I say 'no' or 'not right now' or 'i don't want to' or 'i'm going to dissociate' that I *actually* mean no, and then spun me some bullshit about how his ex- liked him to be forceful. *pukes*

[tangential rage]How the hell can you confuse I'M GONNA FUCKING DISSOCIATE with me playing "coy" or "hard to get" or "saying no so I can hold onto some weird aspect of respect or whatever the hell you think it is." I'm gonna dissociate means "I'M ABOUT TO LEAVE MY BODY SO THAT I CAN DEAL WITH THE FUCKED UP THING THAT IS HAPPENING B/C THAT'S HOW MY BODY COPES WITH TRAUMA. Yes, TRAUMA. Fuck. Dissociate does not mean keep going it means back the fuck up or else you're not only assaulting me but you're seriously traumatizing me to the point where I might have flashbacks and nightmares for the next god knows how many years. (although assault w/o dissociating is traumatizing as well. I just deal with that better. For everyone it's different.) YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT. And then continue calling me with NO FUCKING APOLOGY. I know I should say this to your face, but everytime I see you my PTSD (i.e. anxiety disorder caused by FUCKHEADS LIKE YOU) kicks in and I get scared to tell you what I really want to tell you. Scared not b/c I don't think I could say this to you, but scared b/c for me dealing with more stress like this may mean a) I end up in the hospital b/c I can't sleep and can't stop crying, b) I don't get out of bed for a week or more, i.e. no going to work/class, no eating, no ANYTHING, and/or c) getting a fucking muscle spasm in my neck that leads to headaches and migraines. I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS. YOU SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO ME WHEN I SAID NO, YOU SLIMY SHIT. Although, it would be easier to hit you, which I've thought of many times because I'm NOT a fucking pacifist. At least not to PIECES OF SHIT like YOU. [/tangential rage]

1 step forward, 5 steps back.

I was first alerted of this at Capitalism Bad, Tree Pretty. (you can read her take on it there, I just wanted people to read about it if they don't happen to read Maia's wonderful blog.)

Great commentary from Trouble at CB, TP:
It's situations like this that make me wonder about how some people get so frothed at the mouth about the "all men are rapists" thing (which was a misquote, anyway).

If in order not to be raped, women need to pretty much sit behind electrified barbed wire to avoid sending mixed messages, what's that saying about the moral capacity of men? Isn't it completely insulting to give men that many excuses for not understanding what no means? Do we expect them to have a go whenever they think they have a chance, no matter how dodgy? And isn't that the same as saying they're all potentially rapists?
Basically, yes. I think we're not supposed to to ever associate with men for fear of sending mixed messages, which in the case of Luke was us watching some Arrested Development and then going to a bar. Um, yeah. Because I don't do that with dozens of people who don't think that they can assault me. Guess if I want to be treated like a human I should just hang out with my big bad self.


Laurelin said...

Oh, LC I'm sorry that fuckwit has caused you so much pain. It's absolutely unbelievable, I can't ever understand why some men behave that way- there is no fucking excuse. Glad to see you expressing your anger here. I wish I could say something useful or helpful, but let me say you've got my support and my virtual hugs. (((())))

TP said...

I second that - blogs are a great safe place to get cross and vent. I hope it helps.

Look after yourself. TP.

Biting Beaver said...

LC, I hear you. My x husband raped me repeatedly through the marriage and I STILL can't scream at him. Mostly because the man terrifies me, but the point is that so many of us have gone through this and we never get to scream about it.

The whole bullshit line of "She's playing hard to get" is something I've tried to tackle on my blog. It's an excuse and a shitty one at that.

No means No assholes.

*slinks off to fume*

A White Bear said...

Yikes, LC. It's shocking how much even the guys we think of as "nice" are happy to take advantage. In college once, I ended up sharing my bunk with a male friend who was so drunk after a party I feared he'd be sick in his sleep and choke. I thought if I slept next to him, I'd know if he was going to barf and wake him up. The plan was going along just fine until he sobered up enough to molest me.

After that, he was always giving me a wink, like we'd shared something intimate. Wasn't it obvious that I was stiff as board and kept saying "No, don't do that"? I never really spoke to him again, because I never felt like I could say, "I invited your drunk ass into my bed so I could save your stinking worthless life from choking on your vomit, not so you could put your hands in my pants."

Why don't guys understand this? Women are very good at giving clear go-ahead signals when we want to have sex. Sometimes, we even say, "I'd like to have sex with you." If I went up to some guy who showed no interest in me and put my hands in his pants, I guarandamntee he'd be shocked and appalled and say so.

lost clown said...

Ugh. Sorry to hear about that. The fucked up thing is (well, another fucked up thing is) that he in no way was going to make it to my bed, I learned that lesson from being molested several times while in bed or sleeping. He only thought that if I let him into my apartment to grab something that he left there that apparently I wanted him to slobber all over me. Not that being in bed makes it any more ok, b/c that's just as fucked up especially if you continue saying "no." (Fucked up anyway. but especially having PTSD I have fought long and hard to be able to use my voice and having it ignored like that is supremely fucked and probably added years to my therapy.)

One word why guys don't understand: Entitlement. They believe that they are entitled to our bodies, and that when we say "no" we really mean "yes." Fuckers.

A White Bear said...

I knew another guy in college who admitted it outright. He said, "I know, it's not fair, but if any man has ever touched any part of any woman's body, he feels he has the right to access that part at any time he wishes, forever." He said it all matter-of-factly, like it wasn't the most evil thing ever. I mean, what if he had said, "And we white people, because we used to own black people as slaves, will always feel entitled to force them to labor for us, and that's just the way things are"? It's sick.

Sounds like anything this Luke guy may have ever left at your apartment is now yours, by divine right, and he can fuck the hell off. What, does he assume that his behavior, which upsets you so greatly, makes you buddies? Even acquaintances?

My father taught me an old hoodoo-esque curse for situations just like this one. If you're really, really ready to stop allowing someone in your life and in your head, and you're exhausted from feeling angry and upset, then you do this. Very solemnly, at a quiet time (like midnight), you take out a clean piece of paper and write his name on it, slowly and carefully. Stare at it, distance yourself from it, and then draw one line through it. This person ceases to exist to you.

I know it sounds hokey, and I don't believe in that kind of stuff, but I've done it to exactly two people in my life, people who tormented me for years, and when I did this, I passed them in the street without recognizing them. It's not forgiveness, which they don't deserve, and it's not everlasting hatred. It's not knowing and not caring whether they're alive or dead, and moving on.

Maia said...

Oh Lost Clown - that's awful, I'm so sorry.

I haven't had that experience personally, but too many people I know have, with so-called anarchists, and other supposed leftists. I seriously modify my behaviour because I don't feel safe around men.

lost clown said...

Ugh, and we never take them to court, but now that that verdict is passed down I'm sure it will happen even less.


(and my behaviour has changed drastically b/c of this shit.)

rabfish said...

yup. that's familiar, both the 'hey you're sleeping, you don't mind if i molest you' and the ptsd.

people have immense capacity for dehumanizing others, even in the middle of citiquing others for dehumanizing others, as has been my experience with political men, and women, come to think of it.

i'm glad you're voicing your anger. you have a right to it.