Hardship withdrawal statement

While I have had my disability for awhile now, I suffered from a medication mix up last quarter that cost me the ability to concentrate. I have still not fully recovered. While we are experimenting with meds I have noticed that I have not gotten it back, things that used to be simple for me such as reading a book are now hard. (I have yet to finish a short story more then 3 pages long.) This new development has made concentrating on my studies near impossible and while I was getting good grades before, I am not now. Winter quarter has always been the hardest for me as I also suffer from Seasonal Affectedness Disorder. Combine my newly found inability to concentrate with the hardest quarter of the year for me, and the hardest classes I've taken and I can't keep up. I've missed about 5 days of school so far this quarter and foresee missing a lot more. This was a decision I thought long and hard about, and together with my therapist and David from disAbility Resources I have decided that what is best for me is to continue working with my doctor to find the right combination of medications, and to take care of myself this quarter. I have also created a plan that has me taking winter quarter off for the rest of my time here, and to possibly substitute summer quarter instead. Although this is a pre-existing condition, as I continue to cope with it new problems arise. This was a very unexpected and unwelcome turn of events for me, and I hope that the break this affords me will leave me refreshed for spring quarter. Having a stress related disorder makes the additional stressor of little to no sunlight unbearable for me. I hope that you will understand that this is not a decision I have made lightly, but one that has taken awhile for me to come to terms with. I'm still learning how to deal with my disability, and this is one of the paths I must take to ensure (relative) sanity and peace of mind.

Hardship withdrawal

I've decided to take one for this quarter. It's too much and I'm still so raw from last quarter. It will all be better after I have a break, though I wonder how this effects my work study job in the photo department and my non work study job as a lab TA. It probably doesn't effect the second one so much.

This is a big decision, but one I've been thinking about for awhile now. I can't take it, it's too much.

Edit:
I feel so much better just knowing I'm going to take the withdrawal. I'll keep my art class and maybe my physics class because it's only offered in the winter. Who knows. If I keep my art class I can keep my work study and my gym membership (for when I actually feel like moving). These are good things. I'm glad I don't have to give up art as it makes me feel wonderful. Good for me, is what I say. I need to take care of myself. This is how that looks this quarter. Who knows if I'll do better next quarter, but considering I've been thinking about dropping out a one quarter withdrawal is good. (With succesive winter quarters spent in sunny Texas for a sanity break.)

Edit #2:
Here's to finally having the energy to do my dishes and clean my house!

I just want to give up

school is just too overwhelming.

I can't concentrate.

I can't think.

I sort of don't care.

HELP!!

Anxiety & Water Polo

This weekend turned into a big old suck fest for me. I had a water polo tournament, which I'm usually excited about, but apparently some people on the team are unhappy with my frequent absences. I decided to tell one of the captains, who I am comfortable with, about my disability. Whole lotta fun, right? Well during our second game I had an anxiety attack, because the team had no confidence in me in my head. I'm a good goalie, and I am dedicated to the team. I'm amazed at how many practices I actually make it there for, between the depression, anxiety, muscle spasms, and migraines. She asked if she could tell the team, and I told her yes. I ditched out the last day, missing 2 games because I still felt fragile. I also had to avoid the team because I was having an anxiety attack. I didn't even shower or change after the game.

Water polo, when I'm playing, with a good coach, makes me feel on top of the world. I'm good, I know it, and the team is usually supportive. Losing that makes me feel like I should just quit, but knowing I can have that makes me miss it entirely. I don't know what to do. Now they know. Who knows what will happen. I guess the big question on my mind is should I keep at it? This may be my last year, and I have the option of missing a tournament making the next tournament my possible last one as goalie for this team, possibly ever if I don't go to grad school with a team or in a city with a masters club, who I'd feel more comfortable playing with as they are more my age then the college team.

work in progress

Is it possible to fall in love with someone who isn't there?
To fall into each other the way that lovers do,
to see yourself through their eyes
to know that you are loved as only you,
as no one else,
with all your faults,
all your foibles.
To be happy at the sheer thought
of nothing that is them.
Knowing whatever you do, they'll still be there
to take you in their arms...

Is it possible?

Watching the BC news is so hard lately

Robert Pickton, pig-farmer, charged with 26 counts of murder of women from the Downtown Eastside is starting to finally face charges for 6 of these murders.

It's your usual story, scores of women go missing from the poorest part of the city, and not until years later they finally catch the person. He says he's innocent, but they found the remains of some of these women on his pig farm. (Pigs eat people.) These women were prostitutes, drug addicts, but in a nicer way the news are highlighting every single one of the women and talking about their lives and treating them like victims and letting their names be heard, not just his. As the trial goes on, I'll have more and more to say about this, but right now I'm just really sad, tired, and sick.

Cute video

Check it out!

Blogging for choice

One of the biggest reasons that I am so admantly pro-choice is because I grew up in an abusive household where I wasn't exactly a planned for and welcomed part of the family.

I want EACH and EVERY child to be loved and wanted.

I want them to be taken care of. It's about quality of life, not just quantity. I survived and I refuse to have children because I am afraid that I might become abusive. Lord knows I have enough trouble just feeding myself on most days due to my lovely PTSD, which incidentally has nothing to do at all with the long term abuse I suffered as a child. No wait, it does.

I want EACH and EVERY child to be cared for and provided for.

Sometimes a woman just can't do these things. Forcing women to have kids or tell them to put kids into a problem riddled foster care system....there's a better solution. We have so many abused, resented, and neglected kids out there that we don't need to create more.

A woman, for any reason, says that she chooses to abort it's a-ok with me, even though the only person this should matter to is the woman involved. Not me. Not you. Not anyone else.

Wolverine!!!!

Got Diary of the day over at Catster!!!!


I'm so proud!

Lost CLown's prescription for street harrassment

Turn and face your harrasser.
In baby talk say "OOooooooohhhhhh. DO you feel like a big man now?, etc"
Possibly (if you are comfortable enough with this) try to pinch his cheek while you say it, or make like you're going to pinch his cheek.


It works great. Nothing quite gets them to stop like treating them like the infant they are.

Migraines ruined my weekend

I had big plans which included meeting Library Tavern Liz, but alas. Stupid migraines.

Mischief tongue!

Fun weekend

At Jody's (seen right) bachlorette party. I may not be the most pro-marriage person, but I am pro-party and whatever makes Jody happy makes me happy.

It's that time again

Check back on the 22nd, and you can sign up here.

Fun Blogging

It was supposed to be Friday Fun Blogging, but my dear friend Laura and I both needed a lift.

Happy Song:

"Have a Nice Day" byt the Stereophonics

"San Francisco Bay
Past pier thirty nine
Early p.m.
Can't remember what time
Got the waiting cab
Stopped at the red light
Address, unsure of
But it turned out just right

It started straight off
"Coming here is hell"
That's his first words
We asked what he meant
He said " where ya' from?"
We told him our lot
"When ya' take a holiday
Is this what you want?"

So have a nice day
Have a nice day
Have a nice day
Have a nice day

Lie around all day
Have a drink to chase
"Yourself and tourists, yeah
That's what I hate"
He said "We're going wrong
We've all become the same
We dress the same ways
Only our accents change

So have a nice day
Have a nice day
Have a nice day
Have a nice day

Swim in the ocean
That be my dish
I drive around all day
And kill processed fish
It's all money gum
No artists anymore
You're only in it now
To make more, more, more

So have a nice day
Have a nice day
Have a nice day
Have a nice day

Have a nice day
Have a nice day
Have a nice day
Have a nice day"

I usually like snow

Today some of the physics lab TA's made a giant snow woman (complete with nipples) and a smaller snow man grabbing her ass. Do I need to point out why I hate them so much?

Also, some days I think that I didn't get re-evaluated for Disability (I had a review this year and I didn't have to go see one of their shrinks again.) because their psyciatrist diagnosed me as Borderline, just like the pyschiatrist at my doctor's office. Welcome to the wastebasket. (More on this and BPD later, as many of you know I am fond of blogging about.)

I apparently missed a post on bees and hives, and I'm happy to say my bubble is still intact, because I have no idea what ya'll are talking about.

I went to therapy yesterday

and my therapist told me that I "live large." It came out of me talking about how I was playing in the high winds yesterday. Woo WOO!

Food Secure

Level Green. Yay foodstamps.

My food security level is orange.

I have:

about 10 (really) small oranges (xmas oranges)
rice (enough for another cup...dinner tommorrow or linner)
dried beans
dried lentils
1 cup yogurt
spices


Today I had the last of my cereal and rice and beans. Tomorrow I think I'll make dal. Thank god for cheap dried beans and lentils. My food stamps come in either on Monday or Tuesday, but I'm hoping Monday. If anything I get my school money on Tuesday. woo woo. Food shopping while hungry is not exactly fun.

Support the Arts

My dear friend Jhayne is trying to put the funds together for a theatre. You may have noticed the link to Heart of the World which is the name of the theatre that Jhayne is trying to start on Vancouver's Commercial Drive. Well we need a half a million (CAD) dollars to put the down payment in by the 15th. Shares are being sold for 200 CAD (that's Canadian Dollars) each. If you want to help, want a share in a theatre, or live in Vancouver and want to see this beautiful place turned into a new live venue to go see shows, then by all means emai (link at HotW website) or call Jhayne at (604) 321.POEM (countdown to pretention).

You can also check out the article in the Globe and Mail. (The theatre really looks a lot nicer then they say, I don't know what's wrong with them, and those seats are comfy.)

Rape is caused by.....

well, rapists of course, but does that mean everyone puts the blame on them, who happend to be men most of the time? No! We blame women! Now I have unfortunatly have gotten accoustomed to this phenomenon expecting it to occur rather then not, so I may be a little jaded, but the oh so wonderful Dr. Violet Socks pointed out that in this case we should send them an avalanche of angry letters. I agree.

The offensive article (this time) can be found at women's e-news (warning: badly written). The article starts off talking about Ladie's nights and then progresses into the number of date rapes that occur each year. Because those women should not have been out getting drunk at such a young age and after they got the men all riled up with their sexy dancing the men were going to explode if they didn't get to throw the woman over their shoulder and have their caveman way with her. Cavemen don't listen to yes or no, nor do they have the brain power to understand.

Wait a moment, that's not right. Men can understand yes and no, they can dance with someone "erotically" (I take my word choice form the horribly written article), they can decide that someone is too drunk to consent, and they, now this is the big one here, wait for it....theycan choose NOT TO RAPE SOMEONE.

Reread the last paragraph. Don't worry, I'll wait. Finished? Ok.

This woman, Liz Funk, apparently also writes a "feminist" blog (i shit you not, you can find it here.) For someone who read Against Our Will last year she sure did miss a huge point: that no matter how much you've been drinking (or for that matter how old you are) it's not your fault. Does she think that the women are also running around waving their arms in the air screaming rape me? Probably not, but saying that young women getting drunk leads to their rapes is about the same thing. I know plenty of people who have been raped while sober (including me), does she think that this means that women shouldn't be sober? No? Let's go through the list again, using Ms. Funk's strange troll logic to help wipe out rape:

Women are raped while drunk
Answer according to Ms. Funk: Women should stay sober.

Women are raped while sober
Answer according to Ms. Funk: Women should get drunk.

Most women are raped while wearing jeans or pjs.
Answer according to Ms. Funk: Women should not wear those rape inducing jeans or heaven forbid pajamas!

Women are raped by strangers
Answer according to Ms. Funk: Women should know everyone, all 6 billion of us.

Most women are raped by someone they know
Answer according to Ms. Funk: They should hide in their houses and know no one.

Many women are raped in their own home
Answer according to Ms. Funk: They should stay somewhere else.

Women are raped by their husbands
Answer according to Ms. Funk: They should not get married.

Women are raped by people not their husbands
Answer according to Ms. Funk: Women should get married.

Need I go on? This is insane troll logic that girls under 21 getting drunk=rape of said girls. I was drunk and not raped plenty of times when I was under 21. Mostly because the people I would go out with were respectful enough to know that no means no and that a woman being drunk also means no.

I hope it became painfully clear to those of you who aren't regular readers that the only way to stop rape is for the rapists themselves to STOP RAPING. The real answer to not being a target for rape is to not posess ovaries or a vaginal canal. Too bad that is also an unattainable solution. So let's write many many emails to Women's E-news and tell them we don't like this bullshit being published and perpetuating the cycle of victim blaming.

Send emails to editors@womensenews.org. And please note that the problem is Ms. Funk, who according to Amanda and Jill has a history of being a tad iffy on basic feminist understanding (that’s putting it generously). Womens eNews itself appears to be a very worthy publication.*

ONLY RAPISTS CAN STOP RAPE

*This line copied from Dr. Socks.

Read more here, here, and here

Now go write that email.

I learned some things today

I went to take the Implicit Associations Task tests and found these results:

Your data suggest a moderate automatic preference for Disabled Persons compared to Abled Persons. Suprise suprise, most people showed some preference for abled persons, with the largest amount holding a strong preference for the Abled. I thought I would view them both equally. Nope.

Your data suggest no difference in your automatic identification with Cooperation and Competition.

Your data suggest a slight automatic preference for Gay People compared to Straight People. Again I am in the minority.

Your data suggest a slight association of Female with Science and Male with Liberal Arts compared to Male with Science and Female with Liberal Arts. Probably as a math major and a science minor I associate these things with me, thereby associating science and math as female. I do want to turn math and physics into "girly subjects."

For science:


Weird, I guess. Im gonna take more later.

What what!
√ Your data suggest little or no association between Female and Male with Career and Family.

Why I speak out

(aka why using our voices is one of our most powerful weapons)

A few weeks ago I got this comment buried in the thread to an (unrelated) post. I feel it needs to be brought out, because though it was very hard for me to publish this on the internet as I am barely anonymous on this blog.

I have been viewing pornography about two or three times a week for the last 2.5 years or so (until the beginning of this month), and your blog post, "Fear of white panties" (which I first saw at the anti-porn resources at oneangrygirl.net) has just been added to the growing list of reasons why I am absolutely determined to stop once and for all.

At the beginning of this month some things happened in my life which finally made me wake up and realize that I could not continue to lead this double life of trying to respect women in person, and then turning around and using pornography when no one was looking.

I've been writing some reflections on why it's so important for me to stop (so that I can pull them out when and if I'm tempted to relapse) and in part of it, I talked about how I wished that I could apologize to each and every woman that I used the way I did, for taking advantage of their lack of self-respect and/or desperation, for looking at them as objects instead of people to be loved and respected as equals. Thus, this e-mail.

Obviously, I'm not sure whether you were personally one of the many young women that I have used and abused in this manner over the last few years. If you were, then I'm doubly sorry for taking advantage of your desperation, and for looking at you as anything less than a human being.

I hope that my words have helped you in some way, however small, to heal from your experience. I feel like this is the least that I can do. It's not really possible for me to actually contact every woman that I used this way, but at least it's a start, I think.

-Al

Speaking out gives us a voice, makes us that much more human, and makes people able to relate to us as human beings. I had a similar experience with my friend George. He never understood that women were hurt and taken advantage of in using porn. He believed the myths that One Angry Girl has posted at her website, but talking to me, even though it took awhile for me to speak out about my own brush with porn, made him realise that real women, women like me, were harmed by porn. He stopped looking at it, and not only that, but he started reading Dworkin. Whoever commented that analysis is not good enough, my own analysis of the situation and therefore that which sparked me to speak out has changed at least 2 people's lives. To me, that's making a difference, and that's being a radical feminist.