Sunday, January 28, 2007

Anxiety & Water Polo

This weekend turned into a big old suck fest for me. I had a water polo tournament, which I'm usually excited about, but apparently some people on the team are unhappy with my frequent absences. I decided to tell one of the captains, who I am comfortable with, about my disability. Whole lotta fun, right? Well during our second game I had an anxiety attack, because the team had no confidence in me in my head. I'm a good goalie, and I am dedicated to the team. I'm amazed at how many practices I actually make it there for, between the depression, anxiety, muscle spasms, and migraines. She asked if she could tell the team, and I told her yes. I ditched out the last day, missing 2 games because I still felt fragile. I also had to avoid the team because I was having an anxiety attack. I didn't even shower or change after the game.

Water polo, when I'm playing, with a good coach, makes me feel on top of the world. I'm good, I know it, and the team is usually supportive. Losing that makes me feel like I should just quit, but knowing I can have that makes me miss it entirely. I don't know what to do. Now they know. Who knows what will happen. I guess the big question on my mind is should I keep at it? This may be my last year, and I have the option of missing a tournament making the next tournament my possible last one as goalie for this team, possibly ever if I don't go to grad school with a team or in a city with a masters club, who I'd feel more comfortable playing with as they are more my age then the college team.


Missy said...

I really commend you. It takes a lot of courage to tell people about our disabilities. I am sorry you felt too fragile to continue playing.

I too have felt too fragile to participate in activities that provide me with a sense of well-being. It is very hard.

Please be good to yourself.