It's a good thing I was in the water

because during Saturday's game I was on fire! Now they respect me b/c I am a kick ass goalie. I was blocking shots left and right. It was amazing. WHa wha!

They need me

So my water polo team sent me an email telling me their other goalie is not going to be able to make the last 2 games of the tournament and they need me there. I told them that I would go, but I'm worried about having another anxiety attack because they hate me. They don't hate me, they hate me because I don't act like them. That and I'm hairy. Well I guess so, because they sure do like to talk about me when they think I'm not there. I'm not sure if going is the best idea, but I'd only be there for two games, though they are on saturday and then sunday. I am used to sitting there feeling like the odd person out, I do have 2 years of practice with the team.

But water polo makes me feel great, when I can think about water polo and not how stupid my team is. Lets just hope that I can think about playing and not my team this time. I know I'm not supposed to take Kava Kava with my zoloft, but really, can once be that bad? Because it helps me tremendously in sore spots like that. To stave off an anxiety attack or depression I have used it many many times to success.

*Sigh*

I don't know what to do. The part of me that loves water polo wants to be there, to have a final game that I play all of. That part of me is ecstatic about the turn of events, but part of me is dreading dealing with my team and just knowing that they have no confidence in me. Not because I'm not a good player, but, again, because I'm not like them. Waaaah.

Anxiety & Water Polo

This weekend turned into a big old suck fest for me. I had a water polo tournament, which I'm usually excited about, but apparently some people on the team are unhappy with my frequent absences. I decided to tell one of the captains, who I am comfortable with, about my disability. Whole lotta fun, right? Well during our second game I had an anxiety attack, because the team had no confidence in me in my head. I'm a good goalie, and I am dedicated to the team. I'm amazed at how many practices I actually make it there for, between the depression, anxiety, muscle spasms, and migraines. She asked if she could tell the team, and I told her yes. I ditched out the last day, missing 2 games because I still felt fragile. I also had to avoid the team because I was having an anxiety attack. I didn't even shower or change after the game.

Water polo, when I'm playing, with a good coach, makes me feel on top of the world. I'm good, I know it, and the team is usually supportive. Losing that makes me feel like I should just quit, but knowing I can have that makes me miss it entirely. I don't know what to do. Now they know. Who knows what will happen. I guess the big question on my mind is should I keep at it? This may be my last year, and I have the option of missing a tournament making the next tournament my possible last one as goalie for this team, possibly ever if I don't go to grad school with a team or in a city with a masters club, who I'd feel more comfortable playing with as they are more my age then the college team.