Please

Can the incessant migraines please stop? Please?

I hate December

So if you read my last substantial post you know that I have been having a really hard time this month. And during my 16 hour layover (my flight got cancelled and they rescheduled it for 6 the next morning, blech. they had no pilots, isn't that great.) I was thinking and December has always been a bad month. Usually that means there's a trauma anniversary of some kind, and all I can come up with is stuff about having to spend a lot of time with my mother due to xmas break and all. And now I'm here, which I always dread. If my grandmothers weren't so old and in such poor shape I wouldn't come home at all. I just can't deal with my mother. It makes sense though, because I've been having my "mom tapes" playing constantly telling me I'm worthless. It didn't help that I had asshole prof who acted like I was using my migraines and disability to not take quizzes and a test. I got 100% on everything I turned in (no late homework, even for those of us who have documented disabilities and work with disAbility resources. And I got a B- in the class, which I think is bullshit. Once I have my hands on the final I will be appealing.) even though I ALWAYS had it done by the due date.

I'm just a ball of PTSD related depression and anxiety and I have been all month. I caught myself thinking that I should just end it with the first person I've ever loved. It's been that bad. Now that I'm in Chicago I just want to leave. Waiting for the plane filled me with anxiety and just made me want to ditch it and go home. I've been here 30 minutes and I'm crying.

I'll be back hopefully in a few weeks. I'm just overwhelmed with PTSD-related issues right now.

I hope you're all well and enjoy the holiday season (and for you students/profs I hope you enjoy your break.) I need to go now.

I FUCKING HATE DECEMBER (and can't wait until I can spend every December in my little repopulated ghost town in southwest Texas. Nothing gets to me there, I'm just filled with a sense of peace and joy at being alive. After I pay off my student loans I'll probably buy some land and move there for good. people survive down there by working as little as 2 nights a week (those that own land anyway.)

*sigh*

mmm Finals, and what other then anxiety!

So next week is finals week. Mine are on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday.

So I've been getting migraines 1-2 times a week where I used to get them 1-2 times a month. My doc put me on some preventative meds but they also lower your blood pressure and it lowered mine way to much. I've spent the past 3 days feeling all woozy, dizzy, and airheaded. It felt like watching something and someone kept shaking the camera, and everytime they did it was like my brain was an etch-a-sketch that got erased as well. It made doing my last physics assignment hell. It took me 4 friggin' days to do an assignment that would usually take only two.

Is it right that I'm a math major but I spend all my time in the physics building? We have couches in the TAs office and food. It makes it really hard to have an excuse to leave before you're done with your work.

I thought that I was being fired from my TA job, but really the guy who assigns labs has very bad people skills, because I brought it up with Andrew, actually he brought it up with me, who I'm rewriting the labs for and he was nothing but praise, he only brought up his concern over my health issues (1-2 migraines a week since September) and I was really happy because I learned that I'm very enthusiastic about the labs, I'm very approachable for the students and well liked, and that I am very helpful. He then said he would talk to the guy who hands out the lab assignments because he was worried that I wouldn't get a lab b/c he felt that there may have been a miscommunication. He asked me to do the 101 labs with him this winter and then another calc-based physics lab with him in the spring. YAY! I'm a good TA (so said the anonymous surveys we received about the labs this summer).

Well I'm glad to know that after spiraling into a depression cycle for the next 4-5 days. yippie. I missed another quiz. gah.

I waited until after we talked about the labs, because I didn't want to make him feel bad or anything and then I gave him a teddy bear I knit for his 6 mo and some shark mitts (pictured below) I made for his 5 year old. He loved the mitts and told me that his whole family would. He's been under so much stress this quarter I wanted to give him something to pick up his spirits a bit. I love the mitts and really want to try to make them in an adult size.



Wish me luck on my finals! I will be, surprise, surprise, in the physics library all day Monday. I would be there on Tuesday if I didn't have a final that afternoon. whoosh!

WOO WOO WOO

So I got my math test back today. The one that took me 3 hours and had 4 mini panic attacks during and have the prof that makes me feel stupid. I ACED IT!!!! Wooo Wooo!

Although it did bother me that when he was passing the tests back, some people did not want them back because he said that some people did bad, like around 60%, and mine was the top one and he said "For instance, Burrow wants hers back." I thought profs weren't supposed to do that. I kinda wanted to melt into my seat, but I was also like, hell yeah!

And I went for accupuncture today. Going to start going weekly in the hopes of healing me and getting me off so many meds (namely the migraine stuff, the muscle spasm stuff, the seroquel for sleep). Also I'm hoping it can help moderate my moods and allergies. After all that, I'm going to use it to help me quit smoking. That's my graduation gift to myself, because it's hella hard when I have a lot due every week and this is my most stressful quarter yet, which makes sense since the classes are higher level.

No physics yet.

Dear body:

I don't know what I've done, but can you please stop it with the constant pain. I take care of you and you reward me with seemingly endless migraines and muscle spasms. Also my tendonitis and arthritis acting up and the fact that I am in extreme pain if I don't wear a bra 24-7. I am really sick of spending my days in pain and my free time incapacitated and unable to do anything. I'm begging you. Please.

Lost Clown

Migraines ruined my weekend

I had big plans which included meeting Library Tavern Liz, but alas. Stupid migraines.

Buffy marathon

and me snuggling with my kitties. Stupid migraines. Everyone else have a fun and safe New Year (i.e. watch out for the drunk drivers, who I hate with a passion.)

I'll be snuggling in bed hopped up on Midrin.

And who said I didn't have any fun. I ambled over to the local bookstore where everything was 20% off. I managed to only spend about $10 more then the limit I set and walked out with a new Raymond Chandler (Lady of the Lake), a cd set of old detective radio shows, 2 knitting books, and a crossword book and a book on the history of crosswords. WOOWOO.

and organic mimosas!

Update: By the time the New Year rang in (judging by the fireworks) I was watching Ginger Snaps III. I've got to say, nothing quite says hello new year then watching a bunch of misogynistic guys get it and a couple of strong young women be responsible for much of it. I love Bridget and Ginger.

Also, I added a list of links to publications that I subscribe to, and sometimes contribute to, so check them out. All radical, all good. (The first two feminist, the third the paper of the Industrial Workers of the World, and the fourth radical environmentlaism.)

I have a problem with this:

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	4.6
Mind:	4.8
Body:	6.4
Spirit:	7.7
Friends/Family:	3.8
Love:	1.5
Finance:	5.2
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Because it doesn't seem to think that one can be single, not searching, and happy. I'm not lonely, I'm not all longing for a relationship, I mean if one comes along then nice, but if one doesn;t then that's also 100% okay by me. It says this: Your love rating is a measure of your current romantic situation. Sharing your heart with another person is one of life's most glorious, terrifying, rewarding experiences. Your love score is very low, indicating trouble. There is love out there for you. Seek the advice of wise people on how to go about finding it. Do not lose hope. which truly judges that all spinsters or bachelors (ha ha guys aren't spinsters) are somehow lacking a huge part of life. Stupid is all I have to say. Don;t they know that having loving meaningful relationships with friends fulfill the whole love thing for some people?