Friday, December 22, 2006

I failed

my first class ever. I thought I'd at least get a D. Nope, I got an F. This is what that feels like. Too bad I'm at the library; I feel like crying.

(Yes I was planning on retaking the course for a higher grade as I missed 4 weeks out of an 8/9 week quarter. Stupid PTSD. Stupid med mixup. I wanna crawl into a little ball and die.)

Addendum: At least looking at my transcript shows that last quarter is an anamoly. Thank IPU for that.


LibraryTavern Liz said...

I'm sorry about the F.

On an unrelated note, I'm sending you an email message.

LibraryTavern Liz said...

I sent email to the address on your profile, but it was returned.

lost clown said...

I posted my email in your comments.

LibraryTavern Liz said...

Ok, should I delete the comment now so it's not viewable to others?

lost clown said...

that would be nice

sparkleMatrix said...

((( hugs)))
Hey! have a good cry

nectarine said...

Im sorry, can you take it again? my uni gave me a whole extra year because of my PTSD.

Hi by the way

deviousdiva said...

I am very sorry. With everything you are dealing with please don't see yourself as a failure. Just the fact you got to ANY classes and took the exam is a success. Cry if you need to but remember YOU are not your exam results.

Kasper Olsen said...

sorry about the F, btw: you've just been tagged by me here:

Kasper Olsen

PS: when you're talking about PTSD, is that post traumatic stress syndrome, or???

Terry said...

Hugs, kiddo. You survived the semester, though, and you didn't give up - you went in and took that test, knowing how tough it was going to be under the circumstances. You didn't surrender. That's an accomplishment.

Al said...

I tried to send this to the address on your profile, but it was returned.

I have been viewing pornography about two or three times a week for the last 2.5 years or so (until the beginning of this month), and your blog post, "Fear of white panties" (which I first saw at the anti-porn resources at has just been added to the growing list of reasons why I am absolutely determined to stop once and for all.

At the beginning of this month some things happened in my life which finally made me wake up and realize that I could not continue to lead this double life of trying to respect women in person, and then turning around and using pornography when no one was looking.

I've been writing some reflections on why it's so important for me to stop (so that I can pull them out when and if I'm tempted to relapse) and in part of it, I talked about how I wished that I could apologize to each and every woman that I used the way I did, for taking advantage of their lack of self-respect and/or desperation, for looking at them as objects instead of people to be loved and respected as equals. Thus, this e-mail.

Obviously, I'm not sure whether you were personally one of the many young women that I have used and abused in this manner over the last few years. If you were, then I'm doubly sorry for taking advantage of your desperation, and for looking at you as anything less than a human being.

I hope that my words have helped you in some way, however small, to heal from your experience. I feel like this is the least that I can do. It's not really possible for me to actually contact every woman that I used this way, but at least it's a start, I think.


spotted elephant said...

I'm so sorry Burrow. But like everyone has said, please don't personalize this-it's the cost of your illness, it's not because you are a failure. I can't even understand the name of some of the classes you're taking. :)

Laura said...

(((((((((lost clown)))))))))))))

This is not your fault and you will be able to sort it out I'm sure. I prob won't be around on msn for a while to chat to, sorry, but you are in my thoughts. Love you loads xxxx

Terry said...

I posted something just for you today. I hope it makes you smile.

I've got faith in you, sweetie. You're going to come through this stronger and more sure of yourself than you went into it. PTSD doesn't define you - it's just a part of the special person you are. I bailed out of my physics scholarship when I flunked calc - you'll do better than I did. You've got a lot more courage than I ever had. You can do this. It's just a minor setback.

lost clown said...

Hey Kasper, I all ready did this (tagged myself), but I can do it again if you would like (seen here

lost clown said...

Yes it is Post Traumatic Stress (Disorder) that I have/talk about regularly over here.

Everyone: thank you.

Al: that does help (I will be addressing it more in the future, but knowing that telling my story helps others to realise the horror of porn it does help to heal the current pain from the past event (PTSD).)

AradhanaD said...

LC, don't fret - grades don't determine your future (trust me, I know). I had a very strange undergrad experiences in which nearly all the courses where I had multiple choice exams I pretty much failed.

The ones that didn't require MC exams I usually had B & A grades.

I wish I could just tell you that exams are often bogus, I don't know if that helps you any. Best thing is - don't be hard on yourself. Maybe you don't like the subject, if it's health issues - maybe take the course afterwards. Can you appeal the exam? Like if it was health related and your marks in this course were on average far better than the final exam - you can make a case for it - it doesn't take that long, and it is not too hard to do! Don't be shy to try to appeal at least, they can't use that against you in the future. (appeal to re-write that is).

Also if you need it for further classes - just take it again, it's not a big deal. YOU WILL DO BETTER THE NEXT TIME. If you can take a 'similar' class for this - do it.

Anyways g'luck, chin up!