WOO WOO WOO

So I got my math test back today. The one that took me 3 hours and had 4 mini panic attacks during and have the prof that makes me feel stupid. I ACED IT!!!! Wooo Wooo!

Although it did bother me that when he was passing the tests back, some people did not want them back because he said that some people did bad, like around 60%, and mine was the top one and he said "For instance, Burrow wants hers back." I thought profs weren't supposed to do that. I kinda wanted to melt into my seat, but I was also like, hell yeah!

And I went for accupuncture today. Going to start going weekly in the hopes of healing me and getting me off so many meds (namely the migraine stuff, the muscle spasm stuff, the seroquel for sleep). Also I'm hoping it can help moderate my moods and allergies. After all that, I'm going to use it to help me quit smoking. That's my graduation gift to myself, because it's hella hard when I have a lot due every week and this is my most stressful quarter yet, which makes sense since the classes are higher level.

No physics yet.

Full Frontal Feminism: a review

Lets put aside the naked woman on the cover for the time being. Obviously it makes me angry that a thin white naked woman is pictured on the front of a book about feminism.

While I understand that Jessica Valenti wants to reach out to women who shy away from the word feminist, she really doesn't know how to represent it right. Yes she makes really good points and her book is accesible to a wide audience, but the way she goes about trying to sell young women and girls on feminism is to try and make it "sexy."

The second chapter in the book is all about how being a feminist leads to better sex. The opening sentence is this: I'm better in bed then you are. And I have feminism to thank for it. Now, feminists having better sex is true, but really the second chapter? Aren't there more important things to talk about instead of expounding about what great sex you're having now that you're a feminist? Sure it's a happy consequence, but it shouldn't be the reason that someone becomes a feminist. Sex is not the be all end all of life. Sure it's great, I myself really enjoy it, but it's ridiculous to make that the first thing you present in your book. I mean is Cosmo somehow now feminist because it has tons of articles about how to have great sex? (But keep in mind most of those are of the "how to please your man in bed" category.) The way to get women and girls interested in feminism should be by accesibly written books, like this one, talking honestly about the problems we face in a patriarchal society. Women and girls should choose to be feminists for the fact that there are so many things that are anti-women in society. Are you going to be a real feminist if the only reason you call yourself one is to have great sex? I think not.

Also, one of the reasons she cites for women not becoming feminists is that when they hear the word feminism they think we're hairy. She goes on to explain how sexy and fun today's feminists are. What's not sexy about being hairy? I've been hairy since I was 17 and no one has ever been turned off by it. Well a few, but obviously they were idiot frat boy types that I wouldn't want to be with anyone, since who wants to date moronic sexist assholes? Not I.

In her third chapter, Pop Culture Gone Wild, she critiques the media system and talks about how women's sexuality has been commodified and pornified. Yet in her blog, feministing, she talks about the sex industry like it is just good old sexy fun. She never invites radical feminists, many of us who have actual first hand experience of working in the sex industry and who speak out about the horrors and abuses we suffered in that "sexy good fun" industry. But this follows from the focus of the book on how "sexy" feminism is. It's such a shame and a horrible effect of many people in the so-called "third wave" accept porn's humiliation, exploitation, and abuse of women as fun because it has the appearance of being sexy, unlike hairy legged prudes like me. ;)

Obviously what bugged me about this book is how it is shaped around selling feminism the way we sell everything: with the promise of sex and sexiness. Should we really be mimicing the current media landscape that is unquestionably racist and misogynistic and uses sex to sell everything? I would hope not, but that is exactly what Valenti does in her book. She does make great points about the media and the beauty myth, she then goes on to talk about how today's feminist wear lipstick, heels, and sexy clothes. Us hairy legged feminists never tell women they can't do these things, all we ask is that people examine why they do wear these patriarchal beauty standards. I wear them sometimes too, but I am fully aware of how society views this. I admit that now I do it more for fun now, because I feel free to do so since I realised that I previously wore them because society told me that's what women do. Yeah it's fun to wear fun makeup (it's always very extravagant, which is what I see the point of makeup is) and I certainly do appreciate a well made shoe, heel or no.

Another thing that really rubbed me the wrong way is when she went on The Stephen Colbert Show, one which, like The Daily Show, makes light of things light pornography and exploitation of women, she gave him a shirt that said "Feminist Chicks Dig Me." It's bullshit. Chicks on a feminist shirt to describe women? It's bullshit as I do not feel that being compared to a baby chicken is particularly empowering. I've always found the shirt to be bullshit, but the new "spokeswoman" of feminism condoning it on national television? Yep, there's nothing more empowering then being compared to an animal. And not just an animal, but a BABY animal. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Bah humbug.

Dear body:

I don't know what I've done, but can you please stop it with the constant pain. I take care of you and you reward me with seemingly endless migraines and muscle spasms. Also my tendonitis and arthritis acting up and the fact that I am in extreme pain if I don't wear a bra 24-7. I am really sick of spending my days in pain and my free time incapacitated and unable to do anything. I'm begging you. Please.

Lost Clown

Another week, more problems

So my insomnia has been acting up again. It's really fucking with school. And when I can't sleep my anxiety gets much much worse. I need to talk to my doctor because the 25mg of seroquel is not working anymore. I was going to go up for my friend's birthday in Vancouver, but I'm here and feel like I got hit by a mack truck.

I had tests in my Classical Mechanics class and my hard math class today. I was in the testing center for 7 hours, partially because I kept having mini panic attacks and almost started crying several times. It was very disconcerting. I'm still kicking myself b/c I know my physics prof would have let me take the test on Monday. I spent so much time studying for physics that I only did some damage control this morning (though I've been doing all the homework in my math class religiously).

I think I did well on the mechanics test. I feel that I did passable on the math test, even though I almost broke down several times during it.

I have to talk to my therapist about the sleeping thing, and the fact that lately my mom tapes have been playing repeatedly and every time I have trouble with something my immediate thought is that I'm too stupid and I should quit (she used to tell me repeatedly that I was stupid and that I'd never amount to anything. great mother, huh?).

It doesn't help that I have the math prof I hate who makes me feel like an idiot everytime I have a problem. And I've been doing the most moronic thing too: I'm madly in love with a total math genius. he never got anything but an A in any of his classes (though part of this may be that he probably has much better study habits then I do. I only really know how to study by doing the homework. Reviewing stuff is still hard for me) and it's the same when I can't do something, I think of him and feel like a complete idiot (but only in my math classes, when I asked him to check to see that my physics math was right he was totally lost, partially because of the dummy variables). But he's nothing but supportive. In fact he's awesome.

I know it's just my anxiety and my PTSD (mom tapes) acting up, but it's been this way for the past two weeks. I really need to do something about this. It's also seriously making me doubt grad school. I need to get this under control. I thought it was, but then it comes back to bite me in the ass. Having a mental health disability is so fucking hard. I hate my life sometimes. But I will keep trying and I will beat this fucking bullshit. (I hope.) I really want to go to grad school, badly. I'll just have to try twice as hard as some people, and let me tell you, I don't think it's fucking fair.

In other news I got a B on my DiffEQ test. We have another one next week. This week I'm going to finally open the book. I can ace this class if I study a little.

EDIT: I found a sliding scale accupuncture place and am going in because I've been having a lot of muscle spasms (in my neck) which lead to migraines and they've all gotten more frequent in the past two weeks. I can't go a day without a muscle relaxer and it's killing me (and turning me into a zombie). *Fingers crossed* I hope this works. I'm gonna see if they can help me with my insomnia too.

EDIT #2:
This is taken from a comment I refuse to publish, b/c I have before and I am sick of people telling me that my meds are harmful. Maybe they are, but they have improved my quality of life tenfold. I will answer all of you here, so don't bother to comment, it won't be published. I know what's best for me, not you. So sod off.

I take this medication because it is my informed decision. I am also on mood stabilisers which have improved the quality of my life by 100%. I don't want any more comments about how it's "unfeminist" to be on medication. Trust me I have tried everything for my insomnia (I've had it since I was a kid) and for everything else, although I am going to an accupuncturist on Monday to see if we can do something about these muscle spasms and migraines. My therapist is a kick ass radical feminist. While she did suggest I go on a mood stabiliser she never pushed and after two years I decided that I would finally try it. My meds are my business. Yes I think the drug industry is fucked up, yes I am loathe to support them (even though my medicaid pays for it), but nevertheless I am more then happy to take the medications that I do. I have spent the last 7 years fighting this and I finally decided to try meds, and they work. So kiss my ass, it's not unfeminist.

Would you tell a diabetic that they couldn't have their insulin b/c it would be unfeminist for them? What about a cancer patient? Those of us who live with an illness are the only ones who it should matter to what we do to help alleviate our problems. I will never be ashamed for what I do to help me sleep, help to manage my moods, or help me manage the pain from my muscle spasms and migraines.

Also my "mom tapes" are not a load of patriarchal bullshit. I have severe PTSD because of the abusive environment I was raised in. My mother used to physically and emotionally abuse me. My "mom tapes" are the thoughts that keep repeating over and over in my head that are direct quotes from her. I do not think I am stupid and I know that I will definitely do something great with my life. I have all ready have. I have amounted to a kick ass activist who has published feminist theory and who is almost finished with her schooling in math and physics and is planning on attending grad school. But then there pops up my mom's annoying voice telling me that I'm shit, that I'm worthless, that I'm stupid and that I'll never amount to anything. Those are not my ideas, those are things that *she* told me. I named them my "mom tapes" not my awesome therapist. Again, it is my choice, my decision.

If you come to tell me that it's fucked up and I'm just a victim of the medical community you are ignoring any agency I have and my ability to decide what is best for me. Whether that is medication, naming my traumas, or anything else I decide to do to help alleviate the problems my disability throws at me it doesn't fucking matter what you think. Only I know what it's like to be me, not you, not anyone else. No one tied me down and forced this medication down my throat. No one forced me to accept the idea of mom tapes, in fact I feel that it's pretty damn accurate.

Not dead

Buried by school work. Why the hell do profs have homework assignments due 1 to 2 days after they finish covering the material? (The book wasn't particularly illuminating in either case.)

I have Physics homework that I'm still working on 6 hours later, and math homework I *just* completed. Not to mention a test I have to study for and a quiz, though the quiz is not on the homework I spent 2 hours doing. When am I supposed to study for these? Not sleep?

I'm on the verge of having a panic attack, but I'm trying not to.

ARGH

Dear TV writers:

I hate you. I really really REALLY do. How would you like it if I made up fucked up stuff about you and broadcast it all of the world and it made people fear and loathe you before they even know who you are? Really, you think that would be unjust bullshit? Well then STOP FUCKING DOING IT TO US. Don't know what I'm talking about? Here:

Criminal Minds: 2 episodes into the season and 2, not 1, but 2, bad guys who are "borderline." Never mind the fact that I didn't see anything that was really borderline about either of them. So what's your fucking problem? Do you just think that because Borderline is so stigmatised and so unknown that you can pick on us and say that we're crazy scary people who (and I *almost* quote) 'believe that all relationships revolve around us'? Seriously? So yeah, we do do that to some extent, but first of all so does everyone else, and second of all I've never met or heard of anyone who's borderline kidnapping and killing people because they think that those people are there just for them. For fuck's sake, it would have definitely made the news since we borderlines are the big bads of the mental health world. BOO!

So do I get to look forward to an entire season of this bullshit where every creep who is a murderer is talked about as borderline? Every single one? You know, if people who are borderline would be less scared to talk about it openly (and with bullshit like this who can blame them for not wanting to talk openly) we might actually be less stigmatised, but even without you moron writers putting this bullshit into your show we all ready have to deal with therapists who refuse to work with us, people who don't know how to treat us, and people who are scared or freak out when they find out we have a "personality disorder."

I mean, ok, so if you only labelled one of them borderline (because it seems that almost every killer on your show has some mental health disorder which, you know, it seems like maybe there could lets say, HALF of them who were "healthy" so people will stop blaming people with mental health problems for anything horrible that happens in society*) I could somewhat deal with that (if he did indeed *act* as though he was borderline) because, yeah, I'll give you that anyone can be a killer, even a borderline. But the fact that it has come up two weeks in a row and used as a way to make sure everyone knows that this guy is super crazy and that borderlines are likely to carve you up into bits and eat your innards, well that makes me just a little bit pissy.

SO will you please stop kicking on people who are among the most feared and reviled in the mental health world (I mean, how appropriate is it that docs can refuse to treat us. What if you went in for a check up and the doc refused to treat you because they don't like people who have the flu? huh? Feels shitty, don't it.) So please pull your heads out of your asses and stop saying that every damn bad guy on your show is borderline. Because if you knew even a little itsy bit about it, you would know that we're far more likely to hurt ourselves then to hurt others. Oh and women have it more often then men.

Sincerley,
One seriously pissed off clown with borderline personality disorder.

*Did you know that in psychological tests done on rapists and pedophiles, doctors could find no difference at all between the psychological make-up of a 'healthy' person and a convicted sexual predator. Interesting, huh.



To my fellow BPD sufferers, a plea:

I want more people with BPD/ERD to stand up and talk about it. I'm sick of getting kicked around because of fear of the unknown. There are more of us who have been diagnosed borderline then there are diagnosed bipolar or schizophrenic! Those 2 conditions aren't nearly as scary or as picked on as borderline. I can't get you to do anything, but I just hope that I am not alone in bringing this stuff up. If you ever feel moved to talk about it, to a friend, on a blog, anywhere, and are scared just remember: I'll always be here for you. You have my unconditional support. We need to do this together.

We got the grant!

Now I will actually be paid for helping to rewrite the calculus based physics labs. I got the short stick and am TAing the 8 am lab. Yay for me. Oh, and for the department and the students.


I hope I'm not overwhelmed by it all.

In light of recent trolling from Xchan

A little light-heartedness (because I need that today)

click to enlarge





Ah xkcd how I love thee.

Oods and ends

-School starts Wednesday. Yippie.

-Even though my financial aid worker is second in command AND said I was DEFINITELY getting financial aid for Fall quarter I have none at this moment. NONE. And no one is able to tell me why the hell that is b/c I turned in my petition in May (MAY!) and have no idea what is going on. And apparently, they don't know what's going on either.

-Dating a math geek rocks. Though sometimes when we're in public we like to joke about women's "inferiority" in math because of those pesky ovaries and people take it the wrong way. They think we're serious. Like I'd ever date anyone who took that shit seriously. HA! (We also get weird looks because when we're at a coffeeshop or bar we'll make up math games. People are missing out by thinking math games are weird.)

-Have proved how big of a geek I am by buying textbook for the graduate Linear Algebra class and am up to chapter 4, having studied it and done the homework exercises. (One day I'm hoping to convince the department to let me take that class. I love me some Linear Algebra.)

-Really, really, REALLY need to clean. Badly. Will I? Mmmmmm, probably not.

-Don't want to go to school. Want more summer. But if the weather insists on being shitty I guess I'll be ok with school. I'd feel better starting school if it had ever been warm enough for me to spend a lot of time at the beach this summer. *sigh*

When past mental health diagnoses become a weapon

I've been trying to write this post for some time, but it's really hard to exactly express what I'm feeling, so I'll just list it: anger (and a whole lot of it), disgust, fear, anger, incredulity, outrage, shock, sadness, and more (righteous) anger.

A woman, Fran Lyon, whose website can be found here detailing what's going on, who was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder when she was a teen (which is ridiculous b/c you're not supposed to be diagnosed with a personality disorder until you're over 18) is being threatened with having her baby taken away from her, 7 years after her diagnosis, and 6 years since her therapist has said she has recovered from her symptoms. (For a breakdown of BPD look to my old post found here. Read this first if you know little or nothing about BPD/ERD.)

From Writhe Safely (link at bottom):
A man rapes a woman, her resulting PTSD is misdiagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder.

Women who have been raped are traumatized and eligible for the non-punishing dx of PTSD, which sits on AXIS I of treatable mental illness.

BPD is an AXIS II diagnosis, the AXIS referring to disorders of the personality, that are by definition lifelong and untreatable.

Daily Mail article (Reproduced in full here with my own emphasis added).
The daughter of teachers and with a glittering academic future, Fran was delighted when she became pregnant. But social services discovered the illness she thought she'd put behind her - and will confiscate her daughter when she is born...

Fran Lyon is due to give birth to her first child - a daughter she has already named Molly - on January 3. But the prospect, far from being one of joyous anticipation, fills her with a dread that keeps her awake at night.

It's not because Fran doesn't want the child. She does. Desperately. And not because she is frightened of the pain of labour. She is prepared for that.

It is what happens afterwards that fuels Fran's anxiety. And there can be no preparation for that pain.

For within 30 minutes of birth, barring any medical complications, Molly will be handed by doctors to social workers. They have instructions to take away Fran's newborn baby and place her in foster care.

The 22-year-old will then be transferred from the maternity wing to a gynaecological ward, because Northumberland Council has decided that Fran - who has never harmed anyone in her life - is potentially a risk to other mothers and their babies.

Fran has no idea if she will be able to touch her baby, even for a minute, before leaving hospital alone, or if she will ever get her daughter back. Her biggest fear is that she won't, and that Molly will be put up for adoption.

'It is incredibly upsetting not knowing if I will be allowed even to hold my baby,' says Fran, a charity worker. 'Until social services became involved in my life, I was having a normal pregnancy and was full of excitement.

'They have taken away what should be the most precious time in my life - and I will never get that back. I'm already in love with my baby. I can feel her moving, I talk to her. I've bought her baby books and clothes. You just can't undo that attachment.'

Fran is an intelligent and articulate woman. She has nine A- starred GCSEs, five grade A A-levels and is in the third year of a neuroscience degree at Edinburgh University - which she is completing at home in Hexham, Northumberland.

However, what concerns Hexham Children's Services, which is part of Northumberland Council, is Fran's medical history.

Having had a difficult relationship with her parents, who are teachers in good state schools, from the age of 15, she started selfharming. Fran spent three years - on and off - in psychiatric hospitals.

Her problems appear to have begun when she was raped by an acquaintance at the age of 14. Diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder, she was discharged from a therapeutic facility in 2002, where she had spent 13 months, and spent nine months as an outpatient.

Today, she needs no medication and, according to her former psychiatrist, Dr Stella Newrith, 'has made a significant recovery to the point where her difficulties are indistinguishable from those of much of the general population'.

In a letter to Northumberland Council, Dr Newrith, who treated Fran for a year when she was 16 and has known her for many years, stated: 'There has never been any clinical evidence to suggest that Fran would put herself or others at risk, and there is certainly no evidence to suggest she would put a child at risk of emotional, physical or sexual harm.'

Furthermore, she said: 'I would view the removal of Fran's baby as an extraordinarily heavy-handed gesture. It is also my professional opinion that doing so would be an infringement of Fran's human rights, as it would be much the same as removing a child from someone from the general population.'

Yet on August 16, a child protection case conference recommended that Fran's baby should be taken away at birth - a decision based in part on the contents of a letter from consultant paediatrician Dr Martin Ward Platt, who has never met Fran and could not be present at the meeting.

In his letter, Dr Ward Platt states that 'even in the absence of psychological assessment, if the professionals were concerned on the evidence available that [this woman] probably does fabricate or induce illness, there would be no option but to put the baby into foster care at birth pending a post-natal forensic psychological assessment'.

However, he warned that it was necessary first to establish as far as possible whether or not Fran does suffer from this illness - something Fran claims they have failed to do.

Fran has never been diagnosed with this condition, yet she has nevertheless been deemed by Northumberland Council as someone likely to suffer from Munchausen's Syndrome by Proxy, a controversial and unproven condition in which a parent - usually the mother - makes up or induces an illness in her child to draw attention to herself.

And so, unless a judicial review next week rules in Fran's favour, her baby Molly will almost certainly be taken away at birth.

'I can understand why they might have concerns about my past, but the speed with which they have come to this conclusion, despite the evidence of my own psychiatrist, is terrifying,' she says.

'I was at the case conference and it lasted just ten minutes.

'This letter from Dr Ward Platt was given to me just five minutes before the meeting started, and when it was produced, the chairman said there was no point - in the light of what this letter stated - even considering the other evidence which I wanted to present, which was letters of support from psychiatrists.

'I think they simply panicked, and when people panic they make, in my opinion, bad judgments. I left that meeting numb with shock. I'd had absolutely no time to digest the letter or argue my case, and I was so horrified at what they'd said that I just couldn't even begin to respond to it.

'I have never harmed anyone in my life. I have no criminal convictions. I believe I can be a good mother to Molly - but they are not even prepared to give me a chance to prove that.

'I have offered to stay in a mother and baby unit after Molly's birth for as long as they want, and to be monitored. I would be prepared to stay there for 18 years if it meant I could be with my baby. But that, it seems, is not even an option.'

Fran's case is far from unusual. Two thousands babies under one year old were taken from their parents last year by social services - three times the number ten years ago. Critics believe councils are doing this to help meet government adoption 'targets'.

Liberal Democrat MP John Hemming, chairman of the Justice for Families campaign group, certainly thinks so.

'How can it be in the child's best interests to take a baby away from its mother at birth? The reason why they do it is because it's much harder to take away a baby the longer it spends with its mother, and a healthy newborn baby is so much easier to find adoptive parents for.

'It is estimated that 97 per cent of babies taken away from their mothers at birth, on the basis that the mothers are "capable of emotional abuse", are never returned to them - and that is simply scandalous.

'Of course, there are cases where it is right to do so, but the whole public family law system is corrupt because of the secrecy which surrounds it. Decisions are based on opinion and conjecture, rather than fact and evidence.

'What does Fran's case tell us? That no woman who has been raped or had mental health problems can be allowed to have a baby, even years later?

'What could be more traumatic than for a mother to have her baby taken away at birth? It's monstrous. That, in itself, can cause mental health problems, which is then used by social services against the mother as a reason not to return the baby. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.

'There has been a massive increase in younger babies being taken into care, before there is even any evidence of harm - and you have to ask why that is.'

Despite her own troubled past, Fran Lyon is convinced she can be a good parent, and is desperate to prove that. From the start, she has been open and honest with social workers about her medical history, but she feels this has been used against her.

Although she describes her childhood as 'difficult', she refuses to elaborate, other than to say that she is close to her mother and younger brother, but has no contact with her father.

The catalyst for her severe mental health problems was, she says, the rape she suffered when she was 14.

She told police that she was attacked while working as a Saturday volunteer in a charity shop in Northampton, when the shop's founder - a middle-aged man - drove her to an empty warehouse supposedly to pick up supplies for the shop.

When Fran reported the rape, he was interviewed by police. Three more women claiming they, too, had been attacked came forward and agreed to testify against him. However, in 2001 the man killed himself before the Crown Prosecution Service could decide whether to proceed.

'After the rape, I became clinically depressed,' says Fran. 'I lost a huge amount of weight and was admitted to a psychiatric hospital after trying to kill myself with an overdose of tablets. It wasn't a cry for help; I wanted to die because of what he had done to me.'

She spent the next three years, on and off, in residential psychiatric hospitals in Oxford, Nottingham and London after being diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder, in her case characterised by self-harming, instability and suicidal tendencies.

For the final 13 months, Fran went to a therapeutic residential clinic, where she attended individual psychotherapy sessions and group analysis before being discharged as an outpatient.

By the time she was 18, she appeared to have put her problems behind her.

She started to flourish, taking five A-levels at Orpington College in Kent and applying to study neuroscience at Edinburgh University.

At the same time, she worked for two mental health charities, Borderline and Personality Plus. It was through that job, two years ago, that she met the man who is the father of Molly.

'Of course, I was worried when I fell pregnant. I wondered how we would cope as a couple, because we weren't living together,' says Fran.

'But once that wore off, I was excited. I would go shopping with my mum to baby departments, buying books and looking at prams.'

But a few weeks ago, all normality ended. Social services suddenly became involved when Fran phoned the police after what she describes as a 'disturbing incident' with her partner. Fran's relationship with him ended immediately.

'The case was referred to social services and I was interviewed by two social workers, who said from the beginning that they would have to look at the whole family, not just one person in isolation,' says Fran.

'At that first meeting, they asked about my concerns regarding the baby's father, but then it became clear through their questions that their investigation was centred on me. I have never made a secret of my mental health problems. I felt I had nothing to hide.'

Fran was co- operative, she says, because she naively thought children's services would offer her help and support. She was stunned when she received a letter informing her that a child protection case conference would be held on August 16.

'That's when I became frightened and thought for the first time: "Are they going to take my baby away from me?"

'I couldn't believe how everything had happened so quickly. When you are up against a big system such as social services, it is very easy to feel overrun and overwhelmed.'

Realising the seriousness of the situation, Fran instructed a solicitor and contacted her former psychiatrist, Dr Stella Newrith, who offered her full support.

A second psychiatrist, who Fran knew through her charity work, offered a character reference stating: 'I have no doubt that her diligence and capacity, particularly in dealing with complex emotional situations, will stand her in good stead for the rigours of parenthood.'

Yet these testimonials, Fran says, were never even read out at the conference after Dr Ward Platt's letter was produced.

Northumberland Council insists that two highly experienced doctors - another consultant paediatrician and a medical consultant - attended the case conference.

Neither they, nor anyone else present - including Fran solicitor - made any objection. Feeling stunned and intimidated by what she had heard, she felt unable to speak out.

Everything she wanted to say will now be heard - with the help of a new solicitor who specialises in such cases - at appeal.

According to MP John Hemming, Fran should win her case; but there is no guarantee that she will. Both he and Fran are particularly concerned that last week social workers contacted the psychiatrist who provided a character reference for Fran. They believe this was done with the intention of 'pressurising' the witness into withdrawing his support, and undermining Fran's appeal.

It was seemingly suggested by a social worker to the doctor in question that Fran had given incorrect details about her health to hospital staff: in short, doubt was cast on the reality of an ectopic pregnancy Fran suffered on Christmas Eve two years ago.

'Is it ethical for social workers to go behind my back and speak to my witnesses, discussing my private confidential medical history and suggesting to them that I might have made things up?' says Fran.

'I did have an ectopic pregnancy, and I have the scars to prove that I had abdominal surgery.' Mr Hemming goes further, describing such behaviour as akin to witness nobbling. He also claims it is not uncommon for social workers to pressurise witnesses - a punishable practice in the criminal courts.

'There is a culture in which the end is seen to justify the means, and sometimes the means employed would not be tolerated in any other court of law,' he says. 'Yet if anyone tries to speak out, they are guilty of contempt of court. The whole family court system, because of the secrecy which surrounds it, is vulnerable to bad practice. Social workers are under pressure not to lose cases.' Northumberland Council, while legally prevented from speaking about individual cases, insists there is nothing sinister in their actions.

A spokeswoman said it was the court which would make the ultimate decision, after hearing legal representation from both sides. 'Safeguarding children is our top priority,' said a spokeswoman. 'We speak to all sides without bias or pressure. 'We would welcome a review of the family court arrangements, and support transparency, as long as this is in the best interests of the children.

'Safeguarding arrangements have been praised as good following a rigorous inspection by a number of Government departments. It was specifically noted that "good action was taken to enable parents to keep their children safe in the home and the community. Our duty to safeguard children is our only motivation, and we strive to keep children with their families wherever possible, or extended families if that is not possible.

'We do not have numerical targets for adoption; nor have we received any financial rewards in relation to adoption figures.'

As for Fran, the final four months of her pregnancy are filled with stress and uncertainty, and the nagging terror that her worst nightmare will become a reality and her baby daughter will be snatched away from her. 'Some days I feel positive,' she says quietly.

'But others I feel totally overwhelmed. All I am asking for is a chance to prove that I will be a good mother.'

Sadly, that wish may not be granted her.

Now I was diagnosed as BPD a few years ago, not by my therapist who believes that I only have severe PTSD whose symptoms mimic those of BPD, but by a psychiatrist I had to see in order to get meds. Now in my disability file held by the government I will always be labeled as BPD. (Thanks, doc.) As Fran's case shows, this can be very dangerous. Now I do not plan on having children, but my friends not only trust me with their children, but encourage us to spend a lot of time together (mostly b/c I seem to be everyone's favourite crazy auntie). The thought that because I have been diagnosed with BPD that I should be a danger to children is ridiculous. BPD is characterised by self-harm, not with harming others. I wish I could express more of how I feel about this situation, but I am just too overwhelmed with disgust and anger to be eloquent.

In the News:
Journal Live article
Telegraph article
Sky News article

From the blogosphere:
The Roadkill Diaries' Tony Blair's Britain
Writhe Safely's How Psychiatry Blames the Victim
Uncool's Fran Lyon (also a hat tip to Lina for making me aware of the situation)
The Trouble with Spikol's Horrifying Violation of Human Rights
*NEW* S511's Link Roundup

I will be updating this as more blogs and news items appear, and I will have another blog when the court decision is made. I'm hoping for the best, but I'm not holding my breath since society seems to think that anyone diagnosed with a mental health disorder is less then human.

Asshole of the day

In response to this post which was talking about my condescending Limits prof.

The shit you are doing is beyond simple. Stop being a pussy and quit blaming everyone for your sub-par mathematical skills. Your professor has nothing against you, he just thinks you're a fucking moron and would have probably said that to anyone that cannot understand the basics of calculus at such a level.

-Gottfried Leibniz

So me acing the next quiz must be further proof of my idiocy. So the fact that he's only condescending to female students, even the only person to get an A in our class, is not important since he so obviously would be condescending to any student, not just the women.

The fact that I maintain an A/B average in Mathematics and Physics is just because I'm lucky a good guesser because my puny mind just can't comprehend anything and I should just give up now and get a job at McDonalds, because only people with subpar math skills would get A's and B's.

How dare I get pissed at a sexist condescending asshole? Why don't I just take it like a man? Mmmmm, yeah. I don't think anyone should be treated like that, even if they are an idiot.

Edited to add: I posted this not just because I was pissed and wanted to see the bullshit some people write me (though their comments are usually unpublished), but also because it's people like this who make me want to work harder and 'show them.' Look out for me!

Computers don't like drool

Think you're into science?

Check out these people.

Here's a taste:

(don't worry if you don't know what the last symbol is. It's actually the Hebrew character Beth)

One day I will join them, since I have plans for 2 small science designs of my own. I really want to get an Ohm* tattooed above my heart since all my life has been dedicated to resistance of the status quo (activism) and the Ohm is the symbol of resistance in physics. So everyone will know that resistance is close to my heart. And for some reason I really want an infinity symbol on my right inside wrist. Smaller then the Ohm, of course.

*capital Omega in the Greek alphabet.

Evangelicals are going to eat me

Now I'm going to preface this by saying that I'm not anti-religion. I have read holy books from most major religions and studied others. The basic tenants are good, but it is impossible these days for many people to seperate the politics from the religion. I was raised strict Roman Catholic and I was an atheist at age 10, partially because I couldn't understand the conflicting depictions of God (on one had he is all-loving and all-forgiving and on the other he's vengeful and spiteful) and how people who would go to church week after week and then throw out all the things Jesus preached once they left. Hypocricy does not sit well with me, nor did it as I was a kid. While I am now currently agnostic, I believe that religion can be a positive influence on peoples lives. I do not think that everyone can live in the existentialist way that I use and the religion can teach them to be moral people. Sometimes people need fear or guilt to make them moral (evidence to this can be seen all over the news) and whatever can do that is good in my eyes. Now if only people would follow that in their daily lives.

And then I watch things like Jesus Camp.

This movie is going to give me nightmares, I just know it. The youth ministers and the kids themselves (most under the age of 10) talk about creating and being in God's Army. I learned that 75% of children that are homeschooled in the US are evangelical Christians. They are taught that the earth is 6,000 years old, and that science is just a belief, that there is no way that science can prove anything* and that things that have become commonly accepted as fact are bullshit. (I used to think Catholics were the crazy ones, but at least they believe in the big bang and that evolution is compatible with the Christian faith. Which is one of the things that still confuses me to this day. It started when I was a kid, and if you listen to Genesis who says that God's days had to be 24 hour periods? It's God ffs. S/He can do whatever the hell s/he wants and who says a day in the bible does not equal millions upon millions of years?) How will these children do in college without the basic knowledge all children learn. Now I'm a big fan of homeschooling b/c I know some very brilliant people who came out of it and learned at a very accelerated rate, learning much more then they ever would have at public school. (Has to do with the multi-age classes, etc.) It's the same problem I have with Amish kids only being taught through 8th grade, because any more learning makes them 'too proud.' Then what real choice do they get when they go on Rumspriga (sp?)? They don't have the education to go out into the real world and many people never try (or know that it's available) to learn at a higher level, so they go back to what they know. I don't mind people going back to their religion, or choose a religion, but I think they should be given a true choice. Give them a chance to think about what they are doing and understand that this is what they truly want and believe.

OK, now I've read the Bible and nowhere in it does Jesus preach intolerance, hate, war, or persecution. Then the woman pastor tells people that if Harry Potter is an enemy of god and if he had been alive while Jesus was alive then he would have been killed for being a warlock. Say what? It's fiction, people AND Jesus would have been tolerant and forgiving. Witchcraft is nothing like in the books, but that's another story. (I spent a few years experimenting with witchcraft/paganism. But it all came down to the fact, and this is really what pulled me in, is that nature is a higher power. It is everywhere, it is everything. It is a powerful force to be respected and honoured. I went back to being atheist, because in my own ways I honour nature and the universe around us by fighting for our environment constantly. Which is one thing that the Evangelicals seem to miss b/c they think they can use all our resources now b/c Jesus is coming soon.)

These children are being brainwashed. The whole reason I became agnostic is because my parents taught us kids to think for ourselves, to question everything and not to follow blindly. They're getting indoctrinated at home (which is also their school for most the kids in the video) and at churches that tell them they must be Evangelical Christians to be saved. I had a problem with being confirmed when I was 12 because I felt that that did not fully reflect what confirmation was supposed to be. It is supposed to be a personal decision to say yes, I accept Catholicism as my religion. It's supposed to be a choice made when you have the ability to do it for yourself, not because your family wants you to. 43% of Evangelicals are 'born-again' before the age of 13. They are not given time to make a decision for themselves.

OK, 'take back America for Christ?' Where does this Christian persecution complex come from? Last I looked the US was predominantly Christian. And look at our government. So incredibly Christian. The only non-protestant to ever be elected was JFK who was, *gasp*, Catholic. There's a war on? Between who? The evangelicals on one side and the evangelicals on another? The 'true christians' (evangelicals) and all of us who are going to hell even if we are moral people?

Another annoying thing is the fact that whatever they do, they do because God is doing it. How is god sanctioning people who kill abortion providers? How is god sanctioning the idea of hate and believing that people of other faiths are all going to hell? How the hell can they bless President Bush when he has done so many unChristian things, like attack a country for oil which results in the death of so many lives, some of them Christian? "This means war!" That is what the lead minister was yelling at the congregation of children. War? Jesus was no fan and I will never EVER be ok with a religion that preaches war in any form. Also it teaches these poor kids to not take responsibility for their actions. Whatever they do is what god wants. How many needless deaths have occured because of this very belief that they can do no wrong because it's 'God's will.' The man who killed Dr. Slepian thought he was doing God's will. That's very VERY unChristian. And immoral.

Speaking of abortion, how much does a 4 year old know about the complex matter of abortion? Well at this camp they learn a bullshit version of what one side believes is the truth. I'm sorry, but basic medical fact is that a baby is not fully formed at a couple of weeks. They're teaching them lies, and these kids have little to no oppurtunity to learn the truth before they make up their minds. Again, I call this brainwashing. (It is also not uncommon for anti-abortion activists to get abortions and think that there is some special exemption for them. Ask your local abortion provider if you don't believe me.)

OK, now I'm off to have nightmares about being killed for being 'an enemy of God.' Also I have to be up for Greek Orthodox mass tommorrow morning. I've always wanted to check it out (I like going to different religious services barring a few crazy ones.) and I thought tommorrow would be good b/c after mass the annual Greek fest is happening. Woo Woo. Next week I'm going to check out the local Quakers. I love the Friend's Center in Philadelphia, afterall they were the 'pro-choice cheerleaders' at the 2000 RNC in Philly. I wonder if they are one of the more radical/liberal sects. Well I'll find out next week.

Also, Christian Heavy Metal? Isn't that an oxymoron?

*While we can't conclusively prove anything, the rigorous scientific process will either prove or disprove theories pretty well. What these people don't understand is that any theory that is posed goes through a long period of others trying to disprove the theory. Theories are not adopted lightly, nor should they be. My math and science profs always told me that when I write something I have to also look at it through the eyes of someone who hates me or vehemently disagrees with me to see where my arguement is weak to make it stronger, because if they can people will disprove what I have to say.

Really the war in Iraq is about oil????

Alan Greenspan tells that the war is about oil.

In his new book, Greenspan has declared that the main reason for the war in Iraq is oil. A republican telling the truth about the war? A respected one no less? What's happening?

I personally think that this is awesome partially because I've been trying to tell my parents that, but they're way more likely to listen to Greenspan instead of me. (I mean my dad reads Ann Coulter and my parents think that O'Reilly really is 'fair and balanced.')

(Quoted article below)
AMERICA’s elder statesman of finance, Alan Greenspan, has shaken the White House by declaring that the prime motive for the war in Iraq was oil.

In his long-awaited memoir, to be published tomorrow, Greenspan, a Republican whose 18-year tenure as head of the US Federal Reserve was widely admired, will also deliver a stinging critique of President George W Bush’s economic policies.

However, it is his view on the motive for the 2003 Iraq invasion that is likely to provoke the most controversy. “I am saddened that it is politically inconvenient to acknowledge what everyone knows: the Iraq war is largely about oil,” he says.

Greenspan, 81, is understood to believe that Saddam Hussein posed a threat to the security of oil supplies in the Middle East.

Britain and America have always insisted the war had nothing to do with oil. Bush said the aim was to disarm Iraq of weapons of mass destruction and end Saddam’s support for terrorism.

Porn again, porn again

This was in the anti-porn LJ community, and I thought I'd pass it on.

'm not requesting to join the community because I don't feel I possess the right attitude for it, but, I did find an article in this month's issue of FHM in England (of all things!) about why one man had given up porn, and I typed up most of it because I thought you and/or the members might be interested in reading it. (Were my scanner capable of scanning magazines without blurring the text to buggery, I'd have scanned rather than typed, but there you go):


[just skipping to the main bits of interest, really]

Then the internet arrived. Designed to be a force for good and to share the knowledge of the world, it was immediately used, of course, to spread images of people having sex. The filth travelled around the glove like those ocean-going barges stacked high with rotting garbage. Only this was muck that everybody wanted, that found a welcoming port in every corner. In mine too.




Along with most other red-blooded males, I gleefully downloaded the photos, saw the pussies of Pamela, Paris and Abi. I cruised the sites and eyed up thousands of girls from every nation and in every position. When broadband arrived, I thought, "This is it, Utopia, a constantly refreshed supply of beautiful women, naked and performing for our pleasure." Now we are all sultans.

(Some talk about his nephew and how his nephew'll never have to buy a porn magazine from a shop because it's just a click away on the internet. Also mentions that the nephew in question is 13)

But slowly it has become clear to me that I'm the lucky one after all, not him. In fact, I regard anyone who watches porn these days as being incredibly unfortunate. Why? Because it's going to poison your mind, mess up your relationships and ruin your sex life.

That may seem like a sweeping statement, but I know it's true because it actually happened to me. Nothing I'm about to confess is based on bland statistics or boring surveys or government research - it's based on the fact that, in bed with a woman one night, I did something which caused her to feel fear and pain. I practically became a sex offender. And porn was to blame.

My transformation from nice guy to near-rapist began when I got into the habit of kicking off each working day by watching a bit of hardcore. I thought of it as my equivalent to a cup of coffee. A pick-me-up. Five minutes of online ogling before settling down to the grind of earning a living.

(explanation that 'hardcore' in this case wasn't referring to anything underage or illegal, so it's not as though he was watching 'the shit with animals and torture and dungeons', but the regular stuff often watched online)

The participants seemed to be clean and willing, and their activities appeared innocent enough. Certainly, I never felt I was being perverted by them, especially as my favourite one, called "Her Sweet Hand", was entirely devoted to women giving hand-jobs. In my view this was only "second base" and therefore hardly pornographic at all.

If you'd asked me back then if watching these clips was affecting my sex life, I'd have said, "Yes, but in a good way." The way I saw it, my libido was getting charged up like a car battery, so when I pulled a girl I would be raring to go. She'd get better sex, and I'd get a chance to act out some of the scenes I'd watched. Everyone's a winner.

After a while, however, I noticed I was getting much more dominant in bed. Previously, I had been a pretty democratic lover, happy to share the workload in the three classic positions, but now I found I was doing a lot more doggy style. I would do it harder, too, and while I did it I would pull the girl's hair and think, "Yeah, you're getting it now, you dirty little bitch." If sufficiently emboldened by drink, I would actually say those words, and plenty more besides. Then, after showering her who was boss for half-an-hour or so, perhaps pinning her down by the wrists for variety, I'd climax. But whereas in the old days, I was happy to come into my Durex or on her tits, now it had to be all over her face and neck like a white volcano.

(the segment preceding this is mostly just reiterating what's been said before and not that interesting)

I can only guess how far down that track I'd have gone if I hadn't been snapped out of it. But luckily - for me, anyway - I pulled a girl at a party and then went too far. Far too far. We got pissed, cabbed it back to my place and then I gave her the full Beast of Hammersmith treatment. I remember talking filth, going at her like a merciless jackhammer, when she first asked me to stop.

I didn't stop. In fact - and this is the hard bit to confess - I gave it to her even harder. One... two... three strokes, riding the wave as she squirmed underneath me. I was engorged with power, my cock a weapon. But then she wrenched away from me, and I could see by the look on her face that A Bad Thing had happened.

It took a lot of fast talking and soothing hugs to calm her down. At one stage, I thought she might actually report me. When she left, I shivered under the duvet, shocked at what I'd done.

What had I become? And why? I had never acted like this before, so I deduced that it might be due to the internet porn I'd been feasting on. The next day, I visited some of the sites I'd used regularly. And slowly, just as a secret image used to emerge if you stared at those old fractal pictures long enough, the truth became clear.

Modern porn... it's not about sex at all. It's about cruelty to women. Almost all of it, especially the most popular "gonzo" king, is built on their humiliation. Again, let me stress that I'm not talking about the extreme stuff here, I'm talking about the mainstream. Your basic, entry level porn.

The problem stems from the fact that porn gets stale very quickly. There are only so many ways a man and woman can make love, so the adult-video makers have to up the ante constantly to maintain sales. Once, you never saw penetration. Then anal sex was a taboo. Now it's pretty common to see triple anal penetration. As one porn director put it, "People want more. They want to know how many dicks you can shove up an ass. It's like Fear Factor meets Jackass."

Precisely. It is like Jackass. Painful and demeaning things - like getting cornhold or throat-fucked - are happening for our pleasure. And the discomfort shows on the women's faces. They get hurt while we whack off. Looking back at my favourites with fresh eyes, I saw it clearly. Even in the "innocent" hand-job one, they worked without being pleasured themselves. They ended up been coated with spunk. They were, quite literally, sex objects.

You want to know the really worrying thing? Porn is a multi-billion dollar industry, famously bigger than Hollywood, and if the sight of women experiencing discomfort or humiliation was distasteful to the mass audience, it would have been edited out. Market forces would insist upon a correction. So the only conclusion to draw is that normal guys - not a tiny minority of perverts and weirdos, but you, your pals, your brothers, your colleagues - actually like seeing it.

Well, not me. Not any more. I've seen what they're selling and I don't want to buy it. And I warn you, everytime you watch a gonzo clip from "Meatholes" or "Exploited Babysitters" your subconscious is being bombarded with the same message. You won't so much get brainwashed as braindirtied. And then - like it or not - there's a chance you'll bring what you've viewed into your real-life relationships. Monkey see, monkey do.

Personally, I'm now only going to use the computer for e-mails and poker. If I want porn, I'll stick to the older kind where everyone appeared to be having fun. Say what you like about '80s porn movies, at least I know I'm never going to end up like the blokes who starred in them. Mainly because I hate moustaches...

(emphasis mine)

First off I'd like to point out that he's a rapist. No matter how many hugs or whatever he gave her and even though she didn't report him does not in fact mean that it wasn't rape. He admitted to continuing after she said no. He admitted that he thought she would report him. He is a rapist.

While he doesn't realise that all porn is dehumanising and degrading to women, he does come to a very real conclusion. Time and time again men tell the same story, but do we (usually) hear it in media other then feminist magazines or in forums other then the feminist blogosphere? A resounding NO. Many of the people Pamela Paul interviewed for Pornified said the same things, and about how they were no longer to sustain erections with a woman unless they envisioned the degrading images of pornography. However mush they want to sweep this shit under the rug, there are always people willing to tell their stories, be they women who escaped the industry (like me) or men who have come to the realisation that porn turns them into sadistic assholes. While I disagree with him continuing to look at porn, bravo for him for publishing this in a lads mag that glorifies the pornification of women. Hopefully more men will be brave enought to stand up to this.

Shana Tova!

Rosh Hashana is near, and the begining of a new year! Peace to all.


(And no, I am not Jewish, but I did grow up in Chicago and live in a very Jewish section of Brooklyn. I also follow the tradition of Chinese food and a movie on Xmas.)

Ban Breed Specific Legislation

Ok, I must confess that Pit Bulls (American Pit Bull Terriers) are my favourite dogs. I've known a lot of them and they are some of the sweetest, smartest dogs I have ever encountered. My friends dog would immediately stop whacking you with her tail when you said "watch your tail", among other similar things. This shows that the angry attack dogs that exist are not because of the tempermant of the breed, but instead the neglect and abuse of the owner, which should be obvious to people like the head of PETA who supports banning pit bulls.

Interested? Watch the video.

(Note: All the patriotic stuff in the video is there because Pit Bulls are an American breed, and were used in propoganda, etc. Pit Bulls used to be seen as patriotic animals, now they're seen as demons.)



Info on Breed specific legislation here

also if you want to help pits that are rescued from owners who abused them, neglected them, or forced them into dog fighting, Pit Bull Rescue Central (whose page is located here) accepts donations (page here).

I hope this will alert some of you to how horribly wrong breed specific legislation is. I have no where to point you now, but I wanted to raise awareness. PBRC's site is great talking about myths of pit bulls, etc, etc.

*squee*

I found a unicorn. (Awhile ago, but I wanted to see what was going to happen)

Zombiewalk 2007!

More photos in the zombiewalk flickr page

(Anyone else think that the woman in the background on the right looks like Lacey from SYTYCD?)

I can't sit down I laughed my ass off

The Evolution of dance:

DONE!

No more school until the end of September. Thank god!

And I aced my calc final. I took the question I got wrong on the last test and insted of just doing the triple integral in cartesian, I intergrated it in all coordinate systems. Guess what the 20 point question on the exam was? Same question, but using only cylindrical and spherical coordinates. Piece. of. cake. And everything else was so absurdly easy. I still think I don't know how to do LaGrange multipliers, but I bs-ed my way through them on the last test and only missed 2 points (I thought I was completely wrong and gave up after I found the min, which was ridiculously stupid b/c I wasn't wrong).

Now to the lake to hang out in the sun with my close amazing friend Ginni. Ahhhhhh summer. Finally.

I'm going to wait until I come back from Chicago to worry about my financial aid bs. I heard I was approved for Fall and will only have to work to get it for spring/summer/next fall, but I haven't gotten an award letter yet. booo

Bits and Pieces

-I think I did well on my Limits final. I hope it's not just a feeling.
-I have my multivariate calculus I final tommorrow. I haven't studied all quarter and have an A, but I've been studying since I got a B *gasp* on the last test. Talk about wake up call!
-Been spending time with an accordian playing, juggling, anti-porn, amazing math geek. I am very happy, though this throws a wrench in the whole 'spinsterhood' thing. (He's also a very dapper dresser-purple and yellow striped bow tie the other day, *squee*) Very much fun is being had. Glad I finally asked for an accordion date a few weeks ago.
-Zombiewalk Vancouver is Saturday. Meet at the Vancouver Art Gallery at 3. All zombies welcome.
-Chicago in less then a week. At least I'll have one week of *real* summer.
-At Chicago I will be attending the annual big boring meeting, aka the IWW (Industrial Workers of the World) General Assembly.
-Get to see my grandmas, YAY!
-I have developed arthritis in my right pointer and middle finger. Knitting hurts, but Tylenol Arthritis came highly recommened, I hope it works b/c I'm not about to give up knitting.
-Been reading Pornified, will post my thoughts later.
-ONE MONTH OFF OF SCHOOL AFTER TOMMORROW!!!
-My old prof who I will be helping rewrite the calculus based physics labs with has asked me to take Classical Mechanics with him this fall. How could I say no?

Wish me luck

I have my final in my Limits and Infinite series test which is the class that is kicking my ass tommorrow (Tuesday).

Wish me luck, I'll need it.

Tagged!

I was tagged by Terry at I See Invisible People. Here's the 4 things meme

Four Jobs I Have Had In My Life:

Pedicab 'driver'
Bike Messenger
Clown
Sexual Assault/Domestic Violence victim advocate

Four Places I Have Lived:

Chicago
New York City
East Bay (Berkeley/Oakland)
Austin

Four of my favorite foods:

Pasta e Fagoli
Indian Vagetarian food (can't pick one)
Ethiopian Food (again, can't pick one)
Vegan Philly Cheesesteak

Four Places I’d rather be right now:

Sicily
NYC
Chicago
London

Four movies I can watch over and over:

Mambo Italiano
Take the Lead
Pride and Prejudice
His Girl Friday

Four TV shows I like to watch:

So You Think You Can Dance
Gilmore Girls
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Scrubs

Four websites I visit daily:

Lindyhopper
Genderberg
Livejournal
Girl-Wonder


Four early musical influences:

Sam Butera
Frank Sinatra
Beatles
Johnny Mercer

Four Computers I’ve Owned:

Apple IIe
MacBook Pro
(I haven't had 4)


I tag:
Sparkle*Matrix
Ms Jared
Tony of Pencils Down
Dr Brazen Hussy

SYTYCD Finale

Well I for one will be happy to not have to hear Cat Deely say "jidges" anymore. Everytime she did I wanted to scream and/or throw things. No critiques, just my thoughts.

I'm so happy they brought the clogger back, he's awesome. One sidenote: I HATE the camera work. It's spinning around all the time and doesn't really allow you to see all the parts of the dances like you should. It annoys the hell out of me. Thankfully I'll get to see the entire dances at the tour. (2nd row baby!)

Ummmm, what the hell did they do to Sara's hair? Not my favourite disco number, but I loved it. It had Sara in it, how could I not?

I love the Samba, I'm so glad they did it again. WOAH! Lacey got cut first? I didn't see that coming. GO Danny GO! Again Samba is really hard and they pulled it off wonderfully.

UGH. Pussycat Dolls. More dancing would be about a billion times better then this crap. What an insipid song, and if you have to try that hard to project sexy, maybe you should try a little thing called Confidence with a dash of self respect.

WOOOO SARA AND PASHA's WCS! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Benji's a good choreographer. They are two of my favourite dancers and the routine is so playful and delightful. I love it.

Oh Anya, mmmmm I loved seeing the Fox Trot again.

I'm so glad that they did that wonderful Jazz routine with Sara and Jesus. I was also secretly hoping to see it again, it is definitely one of my favourite dances of the competition.

Sabra and Danny are the top 2! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
I'm kind of sad Neil's cut now, because I think that means that we won't see the good/bad jazz(?) routine. :( (I hope they do it on tour)

The whole Cat and Nigel dance thing: blech.

Good job Sabra. Obviously I would have preferred Danny, but Sabra is a good dancer. I cannot wait to see him on tour and in the future, because there is no doubt in my mind that he will be a very successful dancer. Congrats Sabra, Danny you still dance like an angel and love you.

(Oh and Tony, I remember you saying that Danny would never make it because he has the personality of a -tip. Well, 2nd place isn't such a bad place to be. ;)

*sigh*

About BB

I know this particular person and clique don't represent feminism and aren't even worth the time of day. But I think we need to be aware of what some of our theory lends itself to. I think the sane, thoughtful anti-porners need to wrestle with this, struggle with it, understand why the people on the other side fear inducing sexual shame.

Yes because feminists can't possibly be anti-porn. *screams*

SYTYCD Top 4

It's here, the last show (although IIRC they will be performing their favourite routines from the season tommorrow, which will be awesome and I really hope Neil chooses the good/bad routine with Lauren as I love it).

Solos:
Lacey's solo was the best solo I've seen from her all competition. It finally made me see why she should be here, but with her earlier solos I couldn't really understand why she was still here. Though this is the point where you need to have a solid solo. (01)

Neil (OHHHHH! His favourite is the good/bad jazz routine!! I bet we see it tommorrow *SQUEE*) I never realised how beautiful and perfect his feet are. They are always in such a fine point. Beautiful. (02)

Danny (WOOOOOOOO) Again, say it with me, Danny dances like an angel. His turns, his leaps, they all look effortless and with great lines and form. Like Mary said, I will never get tired of watching him dance. Amazing. He is the best dancer of the final 4, but I know that doesn't mean he'll win. But no matter what he will have an amazing career as a dancer and I look forward to seeing him dance many times in the future. (03)

Sabra is such a powerful dancer. She really dances so large, it feels like there's no limit to it. I would not be disappointed at all if she beat Danny and won. She is definitely a strong dancer that is someone who is just as good as Danny, but in a different way. Her presence is overwhelming, in a good way, and Danny's dancing is pure bliss. They are the strongest dancers right now IMHO, but in two completely different ways. But that's the fun of art, two things can be equally as good and be very different from one another. (04)

Partners/Group
Broadway (all):
I love Broadway. It's always such a pleasure to watch. The split leaps that Neil and Danny did were amazing. They make it look so effortless. It truly is a showcase of amazing dancers right now, they all had great technique and danced fabulously together.

Hip hop (Sabra and Neil):
I wasn't that into the choreography (sorry Shane). Neil didn't look sexy, he was making some funny faces, it definitely cracked me up. Neil did look very stiff and he seemed to be holding something back or lacking something. His stiffness of movement made some of their movements out of sync with each other. It definitely seemed too happy and not the sexy that Shane was going for.

Viennese Waltz (Danny and Lacey):
There should have been more rise in Lacey's waltz steps. Other then that it was very fluid and dreamlike in quality as the Viennese Waltz should be.

Jazz (?) (Sabra and Lacey):
Cute choreography. I liked the nuzzling. I agree with the judges that it didn't really showcase what they are capable of. I too am at a loss for what to say about the dancers.

Contemporary (Danny and Neil):
I wanna watch it again! AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN!!! It was explosive, tense, and they had such great characters and played them well. They handled the physicality of the piece amazingly, and Danny's moves looked so amazing.

LINDY HOP!!!!! (Lacey and Neil):
All I can say is this dance is something I've been doing for well over a decade and will therefore be watching very closely. I don't trust them to get the true lindy hop, but we'll see. I want a good swing out or it's not lindy hop.

WEAK. Very little lindy hopping going on, and on the swing outs I did she Lacey did not move her hips enough. Their charleston was off, you they were not matched up at all in the timing of them. It definitely did not have the right energy for me, and the judges obviously don't know what good lindy hop should look like. Though it is not entirely their fault as that was so obviously a ballroomers take on lindy. Also those aren't the hardest lindy flips. For real good lindyhopping look at this. (BTW I've danced with Todd, he's amazing).

I guess I must be boring because I wasn't entertained.

Cha Cha (Sabra and Danny):
I love the way Danny uses his body, especially his hips in this number. They had some wonderful turns. Like mary said, there were some parts that were technically were flawed, but really I was more impressed by the magic that they created on the stage.

More info for feminists under attack

If your host allows you to configure your own .htaccess file, you can lock out a lot of the anonymizers 4chan uses.

Code:
order allow,deny
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allow from all

SYTYCD eliminations

(live blogging)

I still don't get crumping. Maybe I'm just a dance snob, maybe I just don't like the whole bs "lookit me I'm so tough" persona, but whatever it is, I don't care. I think it's not really dancing and kinda stupid.

Sabra kicked ass in her solo, as did Neil (who incidentally I wouldn't have danced for if I had remembered to vote). Beautiful. Now I don't want to lose any of the guys now. I still think Lacey is the weakest link for the women, but I know better then that, and her solo could have been much MUCH better. (I didn't like her solo from Thursday either.)

1st woman safe:
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

1st man safe:
(please please be pasha or danny...they're all so good, but they are my favourites. I would be disappointed, but not terribly so, because Neil kicked ass on Thursday)
DANNY!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2nd woman safe:
please be sabra, please be sabra, please be sabra.
YAY! (Though I think Lauren should be there too)

2nd man safe:
Neil. Awwwwww Pasha. I'm so sad, I will miss the hell out of you. I wanted a ballroomer (other then Lacey) to be in the finale. I love Pasha. I kind of thought Danny may be off, I never thought Pasha would be.

Looking forward to the finale. I hope they get to pick their favourite dances from the year again, because Neil and Lauren's good/bad dance was AWESOME

For all feminists under attack

Here's some legal info:

Contact your web hosts and find all the info you possibly can about the attack. If the site is based in canada. Canadian legal info here.

If in the US this is the FBI's internet crimes agency.

"Those who had their sites hacked should see if they can get a statement from their hosts that give all the information possible about the attack. It is possible, but if that's the case then something could probably be done about THAT. Because it's super illegal to do that"

Who owns it.

screen caption all the info. Save it ALL.

"I suggest that everyone gather as much data as they can -- archive flames, threats, etc., keep an archive of all the 4chan threads that involve them, get as much information on the hacking attempts as possible"

"I would then advise any of them that are able to see a lawyer and find out if anything can be done, especially since there IS a contact name, address, and phone number for the site hosting the problem material (all the chan sites seem to be registered under individuals)"

If the site registrations are bogus, then I would go after the registrars and alert them of the problem

"If the site registrations are NOT bogus, I would definitely talk to a lawyer about filing a class action lawsuit involving cyberstalking. Criminal charges might be able to be pressed because of the hacking, but if the site is taken down in response that's still sending a message."

"I would also recommend that they chronicle their experiences on a public blog so that other people can know what the situation is and what methods do, and do not, work for combatting it"

If the person who registered the account is fake go here Their host will remove the site immediately because it's illegal.

More legal info:
Here
here

and here

Get everyone affected to contact these people.

and these.

"In addition to the legal issues, I would also ask the sites about going after the people who are registering the sites, what happens if the registrant info is bogus, etc."

Zombiewalk 2007!

The 3rd Annual Vancouver Zombiewalk will be held on August 25, starting at 3pm from the Art Gallery.

God bless stupid people

When we were going to the Seattle Lindy exchange, there was a stopover in B'ham. We were walking down the street and Marilene and Katherine were speaking French (being Quebecois and all) and we walked past a group of people and one of them yelled "God bless America" really loud.

That simultaneously pissed me off and cracked me up. I was laughing about it all weekend. (And telling everyone I ran into about it.)

SYTYCD Top 6

I missed the first solo, I was pleasantly engaged.

Solos
Pasha: He had some good moves in there, but I felt that this was his weakest solo to date. Now I love Pasha, but it's a good thing people aren't voting on solos alone, because he has done much better and I'm afraid the other solos are going to outshine him, unless Lacey gives a piss poor solo like she did last week.

Lauren: Her solo was very moving. I felt she told her story really well, and I was entranced and moved by it.

Neil: I just realised how hard it is to critique the solos because at this point they are all doing wonderfully.

Lacey: Well her solo was better this week then it was last week, but compared to the other solos.....

Danny: He has amazing control in his dancing. He makes everything seem so effortless. Again he dances how angels dance. Beautiful. He definitely has my vote, he just shows how beautiful the art of dancing is. Beautiful.

Lauren and Danny
Contemporary:
It was awesome. They are both amazing contemporary dancers. They move so gracefully across the stage and their lifts and throws and Lauren's recoveries from them were so beautiful and seamless.
Disco:
That was a fun and upbeat. They were pulling off really hard moves.

Sabra and Neil
Jazz:
Wooo. They had great moves and terrific lines. They worked so well together. I'm really impressed with the partner dancing so far.
Paso Doble: Waiting to see if they'll pull this off. It's a really hard dance to do. LOVED the ending. Neil really had the character of the dance down pat.

Pasha and Lacey:
Smooth Waltz:
He moves so well, his frame and lines were gorgeous. There was great passion and Lacey's extension needed some work, she should have sharp lines at this point in the competition.

Sorry for being so brief in everything, but there's stupid drama that's distracting me.

Show your support!

Two boys arrested for spanking and groping of girls.

The district attorney has come under fire for prosecuting these boys for their 'boys wil be boys' behaviour.

Berry said he, too, was inundated with calls and e-mails from readers who complained that charging the boys with 10 counts of sex abuse and harassment was an overreaction, as their parents maintain. Lawyers for the boys say each count could bring a year in confinement and mandatory registration as sex offenders.

Call or email him your support, he is doing a great thing that many DAs never persue. Let him know that standing up for girls right to be human is the way to go! It'll take 30 seconds of your time, and the receptionist and the secretary I talked to were very very happy to get calls that were supportive, because so many are not.

Brad Berry, (503) 434-7539, berryb@co.yamhill.or.us

Just to let you know

My birthday was on Sunday. Happy me. I got a birthday dance Saturday late night and a whiskey present. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Post exchange death

Having recently returned from the Seattle Lindy Exchange (30 hours of swing dancing), I feel like death warmed over. I, of course wanted to go to late night last night, and not have to leave the evening dance at 11 (we were shooting for 10:30, it's like herding cats), but I, of course, had a quiz this morning so I had to come back last night.

Being still on exchange time (dancing until 5 am everynight, and since I did most of my dancing during late night (it was my dancing peak, I would dance the entire time and only half the time or less at the evening dances) I was there until 5 Friday and Saturday ), I could not fall asleep until 6:30 this morning. Needless to say, even with the alarm I did not wake up until noon (quiz at 10). Luckily I was able to take it late.

Now I wish someone would just put me out of my misery. My stomach's all screwed up and I'm tired as hell AND I have salsa tonight. UGH.

(Weirdly enough my sides are killing me. It must be because of my crazy lindy style. There were more then a few times where I ended up crouching on the floor or doing something else equally ridiculous. I loved that there were so many crazy leads there. It was AWESOME!)

SYTYCD eliminations

I HATE YOU AMERICA! YOU ARE STUPID.


that is all.

The pornography industry exposed

“My whole reason for being in this Industry is to satisfy the desire of the men in the world who basically don't much care for women and want to see the men in my Industry getting even with the women they couldn't have when they were growing up. I strongly believe this, and the Industry hates me for saying it...so we come on a woman's face or somewhat brutalize her sexually: we're getting even for their lost dreams. I believe this. I've heard audiences cheer me when I do something foul on screen. When I've strangled a person or sodomized a person, or brutalized a person, the audience is cheering my action, and then when I've fulfilled my warped desire, the audience applauds.”

and

"I'd like to really show what I believe the men want to see: violence against women. I firmly believe that we serve a purpose by showing that. The most violent we can get is the cum shot in the face. Men get off behind that, because they get even with the women they can't have. We try to inundate the world with orgasms in the face."

- Ex-porn actor and Free Speech Coalition board member Bill Margold, quoted by Stoller and Levine.

SYTYCD Top 8

I'm happy with the top 8, it should be well known to blog readers that I thought Kameron only made it as far as he did because of the audience's love for Lacey, and I was right *pat pat pat*. On to the dances! (Again live blogging this as not to waste recycled tree products.) To vote (if you get this in the 2 hours after the show, i.e. after this post is published) the number is 1-888-83676-(insert the number next to the person's name).

Danny (02) and Sara (01)
Argentine Tango:
Hot hot hot! If you read my weekly recaps/critiques it should come as no surprise that I LOVE this pairing. And not only that, but they did wonderfully. The judges were dead on with the fact that Sara is the most transformed dancer, anything that gets thrown at her she does with grace and great technique. Again, Danny dances like an angel, and his pirouettes were simply amazing. The chemistry was there, he was always there for Sara, and his carriage and frame throughout the dance were spot on. This dance should keep them out of the bottom 4. *jumping up and down with joy*

Hip Hop:
I hope Sara gets to show off her moves, because she's good. They work well together, no matter what Mary or Nigel says. They were together the whole time, though I agree that Sara definitely outshined Danny, but given how far this is from his style I thought he did incredibly well, screw the judges. (Though I may be slightly biased.)


Lauren (03) and Dominic (04)
Krumping:
Well I don't like it, I have no way to judge it, but I loved the Lauren running over Dominic move, especially now that I know she wasn't supposed to fall and made it seamlessly fit into the routine (from what I can tell, anyway). That takes a level of ability that is strong. So yay for her, good job.

Rumba:
1st off, Dominic needs to understand that all of the hottest Latin dancers wear Cuban heels. I caught a little misstep, I think it was a balance problem, from Lauren. Not good at this level of competetion. But the dance was HOT. They weren't really pushing their heels into the ground, which produces the hip action that Mary was talking about. If Lauren was more grounded and dancing into the floor she wouldn't have stumbled. It took me a long time to get off my toes (well, long enough to push my heels into the floor) in Latin dancing, but it is *very* important, especially when you're in a competition. They should have practiced pushing their heels down while going up the stairs slowly. It's the best and fastest way to learn. Plus it produces that super sexy hip action that Latin dancing is all about, and without it, it just ain't Latin. (I always said I wouldn't date a Lindy Hopper, but I would definitely date a Latin dancer.)


Lacey (05) and Neil (06)
Latin Jazz:
Sexy little dance, though it should have been sexy and was kind of tepid for me. Great lines and extension throughout, but the latin steps were off and their carriage for those places was strange and awkward. It lacked the passion that the routine required. I'm actually quite surprised with Lacey, who does Latin dance, that her steps and carriage were so...off. She could have done a lot better, especially because she knows how the steps are supposed to look and feel. But she's never going to be in the bottom 4 no matter how badly she dances, plus there's another dance to go. *shrug*

Contemporary:
It was so beautiful, it gave me shivers. Very touching, but I think in part because of what Mia said before the performance. Ok, it made me teary eyed, I've got to be honest. I have no critiques, as I just got lost in it, which made the dancing amazing.

Pasha (08) and Sabra (07)
Broadway:
Funny. Broadway always feels to me like it should just be judged on the performance because it's so insane. I thought the characterisations were great. The first move, the roll thing, was amazing. Love it, and I love watching Broadway routines on the show, so I can be picky. WOO WOO!

Quickstep:
Pasha is the perfect partner for anyone who's never done this dance before. Love Pasha's sparkly pinstripe pants. Pinstripes are sexy on their own. Pasha, as always, has perfect form in partner dances. I feel like I don't need to continue praising Pasha for the same things every week. You know he kicks ass in ballroom and has perfect form and wonderful steps. 'Nough said. Sabra had great frame, which is a lot easier when you have a partner with a great frame as well. Her carriage and both of their steps were amazing. Between this routine and the one before, they really are the top performers of the evening.

Voting for Sara, Danny, Pasha, and Sabra. Really impressed by Sara and Danny's tango. Not an easy dance to pull off by any means. I'm so happy they did so good because I love them so much. *squee*