Disability Zine Callout for Submissions: I WANNA HEAR FROM YOU!

I am doing a callout for submissions! DUE APRIL 30TH! PUBLICATION MAY 15TH! (though late submissions are OK, just tell me if you're writing something so I know to hold it for you).

I am putting together a print-zine about disabilities and the activist community. Your post can be about anything related to that topic, whether it has to do with your identity as an Activist with a disability or difficulties fitting into your chosen activist scene (e.g. Earth First!) as an Activist with a disability.

Though it is activist scene leaning this doesn't mean that other submissions aren't welcome. I actually have submissions on general stuff too so PLEASE EMAIL ME YOUR SUBMISSIONS! I want something EPIC!

Possible topics:

Did you come to activism through your disability?

Does your disability make it harder for you to be taken seriously by people in your community?

Do you feel you have to teach people what life is like in your shoes?

Do you feel that you are by default a disability Rights activist?

From the peanut gallery:

What are ways that people can make spaces more accessible to people with disabilities?

How can we make spaces accessible to both invisible and visible disabilities at the same time?

What are the different accommodations needed for different disabilities?

How do we handle Service Dogs?

Nitty gritty: DUE APRIL 30th, Publication May 15th. All people who get published will get a copy or two free! Send me your pictures, poems, essays, 1st hand accounts, critical analyses, etc.

email: dont dis my ability AT riseup DOT net

**EDIT:** I will be using the Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs License, which means they have to attribute you, can't use it for commercial endeavours, and have to use it as is (no derivations). If you want a different copyright let me know.

I do not plan to make any money. I hope to recoup printing costs, but it will be for sale at info shops for as cheap as possible (I am going to be shipping it all over the US and Canada too).

Need help: ROUGH DRAFT Making spaces accessible to people with invisible disabilities

Making spaces accessible to people with invisible disabilities:

While others have covered making spaces accessible to people with physical disabilities, I want to tackle the invisible ones.  Many people in our society live with invisible disabilities.  In the US alone it is estimated that 10% of people are living with an invisible disability and 96% of people with a chronic illness are living with a disability.  This means that more then likely you know someone who has one.

Examples are, but are not limited to:

ADHD Anxiety disorders Arachnoiditis Asperger Syndrome Autism Bipolar disorder Brain injuries Charcot-Marie-Tooth disease Chronic fatigue syndrome Chronic pain Circadian rhythm sleep disorders Coeliac Disease Crohn's disease Fibromyalgia Diabetes Lupus Epilepsy

Major depression Metabolic syndrome Multiple Sclerosis Multiple Chemical Sensitivity Narcolepsy Personality disorders Primary immunodeficiency Psychiatric disabilities Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Repetitive stress injuries Rheumatoid arthritis Schizophrenia Scleroderma Sjögren's syndrome Temporomandibular joint disorder Transverse Myelitis Ulcerative Colitis.

Let’s start with the easy stuff:

Do not judge people by their disability.  We are not our illness.

Have seating available.  I have been to so many activist meetings that have “floor only” seating and on a “first come first served” basis.  Have chairs available, and a variety from hard surfaces to cushy ones and make sure people know that they’re not “first come first served,” but that they are reserved for people who need them.  People with chronic pain may need a cushy chair and people with other conditions may need a hard backed chair or else they may not be able to get back up again.  Sitting on the ground and being able to stand back up is a luxury, never forget that.

Watch your words.  Describing things as “schizo,” “psycho,” or “bipolar” are not cool (for example, there are a ton of words you can use that slur the disabled but they are too many to mention – if you think it can offend DON’T USE IT).  I just heard someone describe the weather we were having as “bipolar.” DO NOT DO THAT.  That is screwed up beyond belief and reinforces the stigma against people with mental health issues. Do not refer to anyone as a “crip,” “gimp,” “wheels,” or “blink,” etc. even if they do themselves and definitely don’t use that to describe them to anyone else.

Don’t ask stupid questions. This kind of goes hand in hand with the above, but ffs DO NOT ask someone personal questions about their disability.  If someone wants to share their life they will, but DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES DO THE FOLLOWING AND CALL PEOPLE OUT WHO SAY THIS:

- ask someone how they “got” their illness

- tell someone with a mental health disability that they can “snap out of it”

- ask people if they’ve tried X remedy instead of medications, chances are they have

- ask anyone with PTSD what their traumatic experience(s) was (were)

- at any point talk to them in a patronizing manner

- act like you know what it’s like to have a mental health disability b/c you (and this is a real example) “felt depressed once too”

- act like you are an expert at their disability b/c you read up on it

- DO NOT ASK US PERSONAL QUESTIONS.  WE ARE NOT PUBLIC PROPERTY.  NOTHING makes this OK.  Not “If you don’t mind me asking,” etc.  If we wish to share this information we will, but invasive questions from strangers are not welcome.

- Don’t yell.  Some people are very sensitive to loud noises and it can trigger others.

- Do not stand behind people – this can be very triggering.

This list is not exhaustive.  Again you should use your judgment.  If you are unsure DO NOT DO IT: it is probably rude.

Be aware of touching.  You may think that tapping someone on the shoulder from behind to get their attention is A-OK, but trust me it can make someone jump out of their skin (I’m guilty of this too).  I’ve found that a lot of people in the activist community are survivors of one sort or another and have PTSD.  One of the things a lot of survivors don’t like is being snuck up on or touched by random people.  I made the mistake of touching a friend of mine on the shoulder once to get her attention and she nearly jumped across the kitchen.  I wasn’t threatening her, I wasn’t a stranger, but I took her by surprise and I touched her in a way that she was uncomfortable with (tapping her on the shoulder from behind).  Since people don’t always know what will set them off, and are not always vocal about their conditions it is best not to touch people you don’t know, even if you think it is something innocuous like tapping them to get their attention.  Just don’t do it.  It’ll make everyone more comfortable.  Take it like you’d take sex.  ASK PERMISSION.

Control the environment.  If it gets too hot, too cold, too drafty, or too stuffy it can cause problems for people with certain disabilities or chronic illnesses.  It can aggravate these conditions and sometimes cause the onset of certain symptoms.

Do not touch a Service Dog without asking.  A Service Dog is working.  Petting it without permission may be distracting it from it’s designated tasks and create a problem for the owner.  Many Service Dogs are also trained not to sniff/acknowledge people when in their vests/when they are working.

Invite people to ask for help if they need it, and don’t treat them strangely if you think that any request is “weird.” 

Act like their partner is their “handler” i.e. talk to their partner instead of them.  Each person is still a person no matter if they have a disability or not.  Talking to their partner/friends instead of them is a disgusting thing to do and dehumanizes them.  DO NOT DO THIS!!!!!!!!

Disability Carnival NOW UP at Not My Disease!

Disability Blog CARNIVAL # 82 which is titled FIRSTS

Read all about people's 1sts there!

At I'm Not My Disease

My PTSD Dog

This post is brought to you by the anxiety attack that the Super PTSD dog Sadie interrupted last night.

So I am obviously still training my dog, but her medical training is all complete. She does amazing things for me (listed below), now if only I could get her to do the "little" things. LOL. She's a perfect example of a service dog, walking with me, sitting next to me, doing her medical duties, etc. But when not wearing her vest she doesn't always listen. *sigh* We're working on that.

I felt as though I should share her story with you as I love sharing her story. From scared abused dog who had to be carried into the yard to go to the bathroom to dog who walks proudly around campus when she has her vest on (without her vest I doubt she would).

She is a 3 year old abuse rescue American Pit Bull Terrier. Because she has PTSD and her momma has PTSD we got her a patch for her vest that says "PTSD DOG." :D Surprisingly I don't mind telling people that yes I do have PTSD, but I do get persnickity when they ask me how I got it. The patch on top of her back says "Service dog access required."

I originally just rescued her because I knew what an abused dog needed and I love pitties. But when she interrupted my first anxiety attack I knew that she may be able to help me in other ways with my PTSD/Bipolar/Depression. Here's what she did during my first and subsequent anxiety attacks: if I'm sitting or lying down she'll put her paws on my chest and paw at me until I make eye contact with her and start interacting with her. This brings me back to the present and out of whatever hell hole of the past I am stuck in. If I'm standing she paws at my legs and stands on her hind legs leaning on me (which she has been trained not to do) until again I start to interact with her - not just brush her off, but really solidly connect and interact with her. She knows when I'm about to have an anxiety attack (I don't know how, but she does) and she knows when I'm just going through the motions of interacting with her and when I'm really connecting with her and being pulled out of my head.

Since I realised she could do this, she has been taught to bark when it's time to take my meds, she nudges me in bed in the morning when my alarm goes off to get me to get out of bed at least to walk her which usually prevents me from staying in bed all day, and she comes out with me in public (we're still working on socialisation - that part takes about 6 months and she's strides ahead of where an abused dog should be, I've only had her since August). I feel like I can go so many more places now - I'm not scared to go out in public.

I ***HIGHLY*** recommend a service dog for people with PTSD. Here's a story of a PTSD dog. Let's just say I see my Sadie in there.

UPDATE: Here's Sadie's story on Stubbydog.org. And here's her complete background since she was rescued.

P.S. We went to the American Bully Kennel Club show on January 29th in Tampa. It was so fun being around all those pit bulls and pit bull lovers! Plus SADIE WON 1ST PLACE FOR BEST RESCUE:

I don't know what I'd do without her - she makes my life so much more liveable.

Score one for Disability Rights

Even a stopped clock is right twice a day and finally Congress did something right. (Well the Senate anyway.)

On September 11th the Senate passed S. 3406, the ADA Amendments Act of 2008. This is a big fucking deal for people with disabilities. Now I'm gonna ask you to send a short email to you reps and ask them to vote for it (it had 77 cosponsors in the Senate (including my own, Patty Murray, who I love, and Hillary Clinton) so hopefully that's some indication that it will easily be passed in the House as well). What is so great about this? It changes the language, it removes some of the worse paragraphs, it gives people with disabilites (more) legal recourse if discriminated against, and it changes the definition of disability as well as putting in writing (thank god-this is something that means a lot to me personally as someone *on* disability who is mostly functional on medication) that the determination of whether or not one has a disability is made without taking into account things that aid in helping the person to lead a "normal" life. Observe:

'(E)(i) The determination of whether an impairment substantially limits a major life activity shall be made without regard to the ameliorative effects of mitigating measures such as--

'(I) medication, medical supplies, equipment, or appliances, low-vision devices (which do not include ordinary eyeglasses or contact lenses), prosthetics including limbs and devices, hearing aids and cochlear implants or other implantable hearing devices, mobility devices, or oxygen therapy equipment and supplies;

This is important because the courts ruled in the past that there have been rulings that have said that if such assistive devices improve your life then, viola! you are no longer disabled as in the 1999 case Sutton v. United Airlines. My life is 10x better on medication and I'm continually scared of being kicked off of disability as a result which means no Medicaid and no medication. Whee. What a catch-22. I become almost fully functional with medication and then I am kicked off because I am only fully functional to fall back into my less then desirable state of functioning just to go back on SSI-D and medication. Whee again. And I'm not the only one who lives with this fear.

Back to the legal recourse. Many different types of disabilities were not included and were being discriminated against and not recognised by the courts under the current laws. Non-physical disabilities, i.e. the ones that most people think of when they hear the term 'disability' were generally discriminated against, because, well, if you can't see it it doesn't exist, right? Wrong. And this Bill is changing the laws to make sure that people like me are covered. If the government pays me disability why then am I not included in the ADA? Hmmmm.

In a statement, Nancy Zirkin, executive vice president of the Leadership Conference on Civil Rights, praised the bill's introduction: "The ADA Amendments Act is the most significant civil rights bill of the 110th Congress. This act will correct narrow court interpretations that have restricted ADA coverage in the workplace, and taken away coverage for people with diabetes, epilepsy, serious heart conditions, mental disabilities, and even cancer."

I am writing first as a HURRAH that this was passed for the 43 million people in the US living with a disability, but also to ask that you do contact your reps (whether you actually vote or not-I don't care and they don't know) because this bill needs to pass the House. This amendment needs to happen. For me. For the 43 million others and all those undiagnosed. For the people who are usually left behind when talk of civil rights is brought up.

(Oh and while you're at it you should add something about HR 676 single payer healthcare-then no one would have to worry about going without medical care or medication.)

Also, currently there are Disability Rights Activists blocking all the doors at McCain's Campaign Headquarters (follow the happenings through Twitter) What are they asking for? Housing! Call McCain headquarters at 703-297-8900 to tell them to get the housing platform to McCain!

And just when

things seem to be getting better....

Getting back to writing

and hopefully blogging (about substantial things). I am writing a story, have about 4 1/2 chapters written and know the big plot point I'm working towards and it features a protagonist with PTSD, Parker, and is fantasy set in present day earth. Since I am writing it in my journal-smaller pages, I have set a goal of writing 10 pages every day. Hopefully this will get me writing again.

I have some ideas for feminist theory kicking around my head (which I can only hope will be as good as my polyamory and activism and my compulsive masculinity pieces) so hopefully once I have trained myself to write everyday I can make the leap to sit down and work on that. I'm hoping that after this last go boom it's all uphill so that I will be able to pull quotes and research stuff out without any PTSD related crap happening, but first the fiction.

Friday afternoon political blogging

Before I disappear into the delightful world of my friend Jhayne in Vancouver. Trust me, it's unlike the rest of Vancouver. You lose track of time, days, everything. I'm so glad school is over. Summer of knitting, trying to squeak by on SSI-D (I have enough yarn to last a lifetime so I'm good with that and a few odd jobs-mowing a lawn for 2 weeks possibly more depending on their vacation, weeding which is in jeopardy b/c they are having money problems too and selling plasma, wheeeeeeeeeee! I'm gonna try and use my ticket to work from SSA, but employers aren't really keen on someone who has a lot of health related issues that may or may not be able to come into work regularly. Awesome. Any ideas?)

Anyhow, back to some thoughts that were brought up by pocochina's post highlighted below.




Highlights from pocochina at Hillary1000's Post Primary Thoughts

I’m pissed at the classism of this campaign. It’s not even that the Democratic Party is taking the working class for granted any more - no, according to Donna Brazile, we don’t want the working class any more. Sending out Harry & Louise flyers, ignoring the rural poor, giving up on true universal health care. A party that turns its back on the sick and the poor is a party that does not deserve power. We’ve been saying that about Republicans for years. We have met that enemy, and it is now ourselves.

...

I’m pissed at the blatant misogyny of coverage of the campaign. I’m pissed at people who should know better - who acknowledge other people’s sexism, who can cast an accusing finger at the entire horrible media, but can then turn around, utterly free of irony, and utter, “but he just inspires me,” or some other sufficiently vague, comforting reason to not check one’s own sexism. You know, it feels a bit ridiculous now, with my highly partisan perspective on the campaign, but I did a lot of soul searching to make sure that I wasn’t just voting based on whiteness or femaleness, and I did it relatively frequently - though less so as the campaign went on and only one candidate acted as if she actually wanted my votes. The bottom line was that I trusted her views on government (we have it, so let’s use it, and do so in a way that helps as many people as possible, and then next time let’s do better) more than his (hope!(TM) change!(C)); that her health care plan was better; that while his reproductive rights record was more than satisfactory, hers showed nuance and leadership. And those, in the bottom line, are the reasons I went for Senator Clinton. I am deeply fortunate to have access to the pro-Obama voices of POC who forced me to take that look into myself.

....

I’m pissed at Barack Obama for his misogyny. I can understand - though I do not condone - why he did not apologize for his own fuckups on that score. But he had not one, not two, but three clear opportunities to distance himself from the hate speech of others, and he did not. He could have taken a moment - just a fraction of a breath - in his many condemnations of Rev. Wright - whom he could no more disown than the black community, until of course he did just that - to say “by the way, the personal attacks on my opponent are not worthy of my church, my party, or my country.” He did not. He could have said the same when distancing himself from Father Phlegler. He did not. He was careful to condemn so-called divisive rhetoric which did nothing but tell the truth about the drug war, allegedly un-American comments which would (and, of course, still will, for there is no escaping the Republican Attack Machine) make him look bad, and he could not be bothered to condemn hate speech against a colleague. He could have said the same when he issued his departure from his church and he did not.

Were an observer from Mars to judge the man by his public statements in these moments of crisis, that Martian observer would be quite rational to conclude that his need to see Senator Clinton abused means more to him than his faith. I expect that from Republicans. I expected better from Democrats. I no longer can.

....

I’m pissed at feminists who decided their feminism didn’t extend to That Bitch. I want to be clear, I’m not talking about feminists who, in good faith, decided that they wanted to support Obama, Edwards, Dodd, or whoever else. I am the first to state openly that reasonable people could have come to different decisions on that. I’m talking about feminists who, usually incisive and merciless in their rejection of expected gender roles, uncritically accept the Nasty Harpy narrative about Senator Clinton. I expect feminists to be able to step back and say, “well, knowing what I know about how I, and everyone around me, and in particular the chattering heads paid to tell me what to think about this campaign, have been conditioned in my expectations of female behavior, I am going to be critical of how I process this election.” For a lot of feminists (Edwards and Obama supporters as much as Clinton supporters) that happened; for a lot of them, it didn’t. I saw one feminist blogger say of Clinton’s suspension speech only, “Best speech of her political career.” The best speech of a thirty five year career of one of the most brilliant women in modern public life just so happens to be her concession? We’d be unbelievably suspicious of such an assessment about any other woman’s career - but it was Hillary, so it’s okay. It’s nauseating from a babbling jowl show - it is heartbreaking from a feminist. And the wheel turns, and a woman’s career is at its apex when she submits to a man.

They have drawn race as black and white. This is patently ridiculous. I’m not linking to anyone who makes the claim that - essentially - white women are the only ones who liked HRC, we should just stop whining and suck it up, POC are thrilled about Obama and we are just entitled bitches. It is true that Black Americans overwhelmingly - though far from universally - preferred Obama. But this erases the huge numbers of brown women - Asian-American, Hispanic-American, in huge numbers, at least where the pollsters bothered - and men as well, who knew that they are not invisible to her. Those claims are out there, though. I’m thrilled for African-Americans who see themselves in Senator Obama. But I do not ever condone the erasure of anyone because they are inconvenient to a political agenda. I have been proud to call these women ally and sometimes, presumptively, friend. I’ve talked before about my frustration with this erasure, but with Clinton supporters - neither all white nor all male - so offended by this campaign they have decided the Democratic Party is no longer their home, the erasure has reached fever pitch. I do not begrudge Obama supporters their excitement. I do not understand the need to begrudge us our grief.

I think that non-feminist Obama supporters, and particularly male non-feminist Obama supporters, have this idea that we are just irrationally angry, our feelings are hurt and we should get over it or we’re just silly, don’t we know how bad McCain is, maybe they’ll just tell us one more time. The choice not to support Obama is a long-run rational choice. Right now, there is a party that hates women all the time, and a party that used to humor us, but hates us when it is convenient. It is our job to never, ever let it be convenient again, or there will be no one in government advocating for our rights.

We are not your sweeties, who just need candy and flowers to come around.

We are not your bitches, that is not a leash in your hand. Our bodily integrity is not a choke chain you may use to threaten us. If you think it is, you are no better than the Republicans. And yes, the “But! But! But!” Roe stick is just that - a threat. Politically involved women know exactly where we stand on Roe, and we know the Democrats haven’t been all that bothered to even look like they’re trying to protect it, these last seven years. We know what an anti-choice Supreme Court looks like, because we read Gonzales v. Carhart and our hearts broke in fear for ourselves and our sisters and nieces and daughters.

When you tell us that we’d better get in line and vote for Obama, OR ELSE ROE, you are holding our own bodies hostage against us, as if they were yours to take. You are actively, proudly, literally threatening us with our lives. Is that the change we should believe in?

....

The party’s eagerness to push her out, BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY (particularly in the case of Representative Cohen) was in reaction to this very feeling. They have come to rely on women not expecting any better. They have grown dependent on the Bush Administration’s vile abuse of women, so that their burden of accountability to us is lighter. They were terrified of rank-and-file Dems realizing that there is better out there. And there is, and she still lost, and with her she brought down the pretenses of the party. The bullying we’re all getting now is an unapologetic part of that - baby, you need me, nobody else will love you.

I've seen all of these and can not agree more with her here. The part I bolded about feminists, well, I've been in too many fights about what is and isn't sexist in this campaign that by all accounts would seem sexist happening to anyone else or being done by anyone else. The sweetie comment, not sexist apparently. Told to me by Obama supporters on a feminist board. To be fair, there were Obama supporters who were also saying that it was indeed very sexist and fucked up, but they were ignored by the Obama supporters who were too busy attacking me for calling sexism sexism since it was seen as an attack on their candidate. Well, yes. He was being sexist and I said something. If you have a problem with that you should get him to work on seeing women as people, not "sweeties." Same goes for the "Periodically, when she's feeling down, she launches into attacks." comment. Being a radical feminist I'm used to being told that I'm taking things "too far" or being told I'm "overreacting" or some such bullshit. But this campaign season I am now being told that about everyday sexist abuses that even my own FATHER has spoken out against in our conversations, and he is, for the most part, the opposite of progressive thought. When FOX news (which my dad watches), O'Reilly, and my dad are calling sexism sexism and feminists are calling it overreacting something is supremely wrong in the world.

Of course maybe they'll change their tune now that the misogyny will be aimed at Michelle Obama. As Red Queen asked Did you think it wouldn't happen to you and your candidate?. I may no longer get the NYTimes for free everyday since school is out, but I, along with RQ and the Hillary1000 bloggers will continue to blog against sexism, EVEN sexism against Michelle Obama, because guess what? We're outraged at SEXISM, not just because we support the other candidate. (Waits for people's heads to explode.)

The thing that brought the most joy and most misery and anxiety into my life this season has been the simultaneous rise in consciousness about sexism and the rise in denial about it from people who already called themselves feminists. The second part had me in highly anxious states for long periods of time because I just couldn't understand how people could brush away something so obvious. Forget the stuff coming from Obama, but praising Olbermann, the man who wanted a super-d and Hillary to go into a room together and only HE comes out. The man that gets all foamy mouthed and wild eyed whenever he goes on his WWTSBQ (Why Won't the Stupid Bitch Quit) rants. Praising the network news stations my FATHER became so disgusted with that he stopped watching because of the sexist things that they said about Hillary. I know that even my friends cannot really understand how insane this is to me as I don't really talk about my strict Catholic Republican parents, but MY FATHER WAS TURNED OFF BY THE MSM's SEXISM. MY OWN FATHER!!!! But not a lot of 'feminists.' As pocochina said, it's ok because it was directed towards that woman. But any comment directed at a woman simply because she is woman is directed at ALL WOMEN and the thrashing that Hillary got as a woman was a thrashing of all of us.


If you need to be reminded of the MSM's sexism this season, take a peek at the Women's Media Center video:




Or one of the many videos at Come a Long Way

Creepy

SSI just sent me a form for WA Power of Attorney and the WA Health Care Directive.

I know it shouldn't creep me out, since it's a good thing to have and there are people I trust far more then my family (like my partner) and just because I have one does not me I'm going to fall into a permanent vegetative state or anything. It's just part of the loads of paperwork that they are sending to everyone on SSI Disability who all got automatically enrolled in the state Chronic Care Management Program a few months back.

They also sent me my "plan" which is really weird since it's so obviously written to my doctors or potential caretakers and not me.
To whit:
BEH HEALTH: Take out for regular walks.

Uhhhhhhhhhh, what? Did they even talk to me? I told them I was going to school, so they should know that I get out of the house regularly. I told them I took a dance class so I was getting exercise at least 2 times a week. But there's also this weird thing about a pulmonary rehab referral, so I'm confused.

Anyway, I guess I should open up all those other large 'time sensitive' envelopes that they've been sending me. But first I have to find some way to be in a room with two people (me hermit) so they can witness me sign my forms. Weird.

This is kind of cool: why anxiety means homework goes unfinished

My kick-ass rad fem therapist today and I were talking about (what else) the overwhelming anxiety I am having from my proofs class which is coupled with the fact that I went to see him today to ask for help and he just stared at me. (You should listen to him when people who are doing well in the class go in for help, he's super-helpful. All other C students like me say the same thing: when you ask him something he stares at you, but he'll help the people who all ready get it. Being one of 3 resources for the class (another one being his crappy definitions and the third being me, who can't figure out the definitions and is therefore struggling to stay afloat) this SUCKS.)

ANyway, back to my story. There is, of course, some PTSD triggers thrown in there as well. So much about this mirrors being in a house with my abusive mom: having to be somewhere I hate while being helpless and having no one to turn to (b/c yes I *can* get a tutor, but all the math fellows either a) tell me they did horribly at the class, b) took it from someone else and every prof covers different material, or c) blocked it out of their memory), and then there's the constant replays of my mom's voice telling me I'm stupid and a litany of other similar things. HOORAY! Isn't my head a fun place to be these days? My best friend begged me to leave the class (we have similar mental health (dis)Abilities and are always watching out for one another, but I can't. I have 2 friggin' quarters to go and I will have that BS in my hands. Can't change now, don't want to either. Like math, want to continue doing math for a very very long time. Must push through even though b/c of this class they've upped my Xanax AND my Lamictal. Heh. (and I had to double my xanax dose yesterday b/c one just didn't work)

SO, here's the cool part. My therapist likes to explain how these things work inside your brain by modeling it for me. I really like this. SO today she showed me how anxiety and PTSD affect the entire brain, not just how PTSD traps you in your midbrain (and how the techniques we use like EMDR try to put these things into words instead of just emotions which move them out of your midbrain and make them something that is easier to deal with and not an automatic reaction.)

She held out her hand in a closed fist: this is your brain (I know you probably all pictured the frying pan, but shake it out), she then opened her fist and pointed to the middle of her hand and said "this is your amygdala" and then to her thumb and said "this is your hypothalamus" and re-closed her hand. She then said "this is normally how your brain is, but when you get activated, or in a manic state, or in a mixed state (which happens to me when I get activates), or have anxiety this happens" and she opened her hand (which makes sense since in PTSD the midbrain takes over) "and your neocortex is unable to function properly."

I all ready knew that anxiety meant that I was not going to get anything done, but it's nice to have an idea of *why* nothing gets done. Although I'm sure if I had a more technical explanation I would just be confused.

Finals start the 17th, we don't have a final in this class, just a 2 hour class period of, yay, proofs that Wednesday. Everyone keep their fingers crossed that I don't have a nuclear meltdown before then, because it really feels like I am heading for a major one and I really REALLY hate the idea of having one because of something that I put myself through.

*sigh*

I had an anxiety attack talking to my prof trying to do proofs. (He is only helpful to those who are doing well in the class, this has been confirmed by many classmates, the asshole.) SO I left. This period of the class I have only done 2 proofs, I hope that's enough for a C, I did one hard proof so I hope that counts for something. That and I've done a couple of unsuccessful proofs so it's obvious that I'm trying. The 1 mg of Xanax made it kind of hard to finish the proof I was working on since it makes my brain all floaty. *sigh*

Tonight's trivia night and one of two nights a week I get to spend with my math geek and I can't seem to get off the couch. UGH. I don't know what to do. *sigh* Having an anxiety disorder and an anxiety inducing class sucks. A LOT.

i will, i will, i will

I WILL leave the house in time to go to school tomorrow.

I WILL go to EVERY class, even if one of my prof's doesn't lecture on the material (our test on Wednesday had questions from 3 chapters ahead of what we were assigned to study. WHo does that? No reading, no lecture, no homework. I have no idea how the hell we were supposed to know that. I just looked up temperature in the index and read EVERY section on it until I got to the relevant one.) , the other prof lectures straight from the book, and the last class is the evil proofs class where I desperately feel as though I will fly into a blind rage or cry at any given moment.

I WILL finish that damn proof I've been working on for 3 hours. (mixing delta/epsilon proofs with cluster points and continuity (but at least it's a closed set and I *know* how to do it in a hand wave-y way, but not a "rigorous" way *sigh* I can explain the concepts and how it will work, but how to put it all together to form that whole crappy rigorous proof thing, bah. Have I mentioned lately that I hate this class? He doesn't like it when I turn in proofs written in the style that my 401 prof likes them to be written. ARGH. At least I get A's for those assignments, so it's not that I can't write proofs, just not these (since I can't use a damn book)))

I WILL get up 2 hours early to go to my prof's office hours so I can finish said proof.

I WILL do my physics homework tonight, even though I will have an hour between office hours and class tomorrow.

I WILL drink that glass of wine tonight so that I can make sure I will actually sleep so I can get #' 1, 2, and 3 done.

I WILL FINALLY call the doctor's office and make that appointment to up the dose on my medication that I so direly need since I've had a "low mood" (nice euphemism for depression) for the past 3 weeks.

Ugh. *fingers crossed* these things actually happen.

Looks like it's time for a med update

I've had insomnia for the past 2/3 weeks, bouts of depression and mania, and it is seriously interfering with school. I got 3 1/2 hours of sleep last night and I have a test tomorrow and can't fall asleep now and just want to cry. I want to go to the emergency room as I can't get in to see my doc during office hours until next week b/c they'll give me some valium and I'll be able to sleep at the very least which will make everything SO much more bearable. It'll just screw up my school stuff, and I really can't afford that, but if I don't get any sleep tonight I will definitely have to go tomorrow or Thursday b/c I don't think I could wait for Thursday, and it would be nice to *actually* be able to hang out with my partner.

I hate December

So if you read my last substantial post you know that I have been having a really hard time this month. And during my 16 hour layover (my flight got cancelled and they rescheduled it for 6 the next morning, blech. they had no pilots, isn't that great.) I was thinking and December has always been a bad month. Usually that means there's a trauma anniversary of some kind, and all I can come up with is stuff about having to spend a lot of time with my mother due to xmas break and all. And now I'm here, which I always dread. If my grandmothers weren't so old and in such poor shape I wouldn't come home at all. I just can't deal with my mother. It makes sense though, because I've been having my "mom tapes" playing constantly telling me I'm worthless. It didn't help that I had asshole prof who acted like I was using my migraines and disability to not take quizzes and a test. I got 100% on everything I turned in (no late homework, even for those of us who have documented disabilities and work with disAbility resources. And I got a B- in the class, which I think is bullshit. Once I have my hands on the final I will be appealing.) even though I ALWAYS had it done by the due date.

I'm just a ball of PTSD related depression and anxiety and I have been all month. I caught myself thinking that I should just end it with the first person I've ever loved. It's been that bad. Now that I'm in Chicago I just want to leave. Waiting for the plane filled me with anxiety and just made me want to ditch it and go home. I've been here 30 minutes and I'm crying.

I'll be back hopefully in a few weeks. I'm just overwhelmed with PTSD-related issues right now.

I hope you're all well and enjoy the holiday season (and for you students/profs I hope you enjoy your break.) I need to go now.

I FUCKING HATE DECEMBER (and can't wait until I can spend every December in my little repopulated ghost town in southwest Texas. Nothing gets to me there, I'm just filled with a sense of peace and joy at being alive. After I pay off my student loans I'll probably buy some land and move there for good. people survive down there by working as little as 2 nights a week (those that own land anyway.)

*sigh*

Dear body:

I don't know what I've done, but can you please stop it with the constant pain. I take care of you and you reward me with seemingly endless migraines and muscle spasms. Also my tendonitis and arthritis acting up and the fact that I am in extreme pain if I don't wear a bra 24-7. I am really sick of spending my days in pain and my free time incapacitated and unable to do anything. I'm begging you. Please.

Lost Clown

Another week, more problems

So my insomnia has been acting up again. It's really fucking with school. And when I can't sleep my anxiety gets much much worse. I need to talk to my doctor because the 25mg of seroquel is not working anymore. I was going to go up for my friend's birthday in Vancouver, but I'm here and feel like I got hit by a mack truck.

I had tests in my Classical Mechanics class and my hard math class today. I was in the testing center for 7 hours, partially because I kept having mini panic attacks and almost started crying several times. It was very disconcerting. I'm still kicking myself b/c I know my physics prof would have let me take the test on Monday. I spent so much time studying for physics that I only did some damage control this morning (though I've been doing all the homework in my math class religiously).

I think I did well on the mechanics test. I feel that I did passable on the math test, even though I almost broke down several times during it.

I have to talk to my therapist about the sleeping thing, and the fact that lately my mom tapes have been playing repeatedly and every time I have trouble with something my immediate thought is that I'm too stupid and I should quit (she used to tell me repeatedly that I was stupid and that I'd never amount to anything. great mother, huh?).

It doesn't help that I have the math prof I hate who makes me feel like an idiot everytime I have a problem. And I've been doing the most moronic thing too: I'm madly in love with a total math genius. he never got anything but an A in any of his classes (though part of this may be that he probably has much better study habits then I do. I only really know how to study by doing the homework. Reviewing stuff is still hard for me) and it's the same when I can't do something, I think of him and feel like a complete idiot (but only in my math classes, when I asked him to check to see that my physics math was right he was totally lost, partially because of the dummy variables). But he's nothing but supportive. In fact he's awesome.

I know it's just my anxiety and my PTSD (mom tapes) acting up, but it's been this way for the past two weeks. I really need to do something about this. It's also seriously making me doubt grad school. I need to get this under control. I thought it was, but then it comes back to bite me in the ass. Having a mental health disability is so fucking hard. I hate my life sometimes. But I will keep trying and I will beat this fucking bullshit. (I hope.) I really want to go to grad school, badly. I'll just have to try twice as hard as some people, and let me tell you, I don't think it's fucking fair.

In other news I got a B on my DiffEQ test. We have another one next week. This week I'm going to finally open the book. I can ace this class if I study a little.

EDIT: I found a sliding scale accupuncture place and am going in because I've been having a lot of muscle spasms (in my neck) which lead to migraines and they've all gotten more frequent in the past two weeks. I can't go a day without a muscle relaxer and it's killing me (and turning me into a zombie). *Fingers crossed* I hope this works. I'm gonna see if they can help me with my insomnia too.

EDIT #2:
This is taken from a comment I refuse to publish, b/c I have before and I am sick of people telling me that my meds are harmful. Maybe they are, but they have improved my quality of life tenfold. I will answer all of you here, so don't bother to comment, it won't be published. I know what's best for me, not you. So sod off.

I take this medication because it is my informed decision. I am also on mood stabilisers which have improved the quality of my life by 100%. I don't want any more comments about how it's "unfeminist" to be on medication. Trust me I have tried everything for my insomnia (I've had it since I was a kid) and for everything else, although I am going to an accupuncturist on Monday to see if we can do something about these muscle spasms and migraines. My therapist is a kick ass radical feminist. While she did suggest I go on a mood stabiliser she never pushed and after two years I decided that I would finally try it. My meds are my business. Yes I think the drug industry is fucked up, yes I am loathe to support them (even though my medicaid pays for it), but nevertheless I am more then happy to take the medications that I do. I have spent the last 7 years fighting this and I finally decided to try meds, and they work. So kiss my ass, it's not unfeminist.

Would you tell a diabetic that they couldn't have their insulin b/c it would be unfeminist for them? What about a cancer patient? Those of us who live with an illness are the only ones who it should matter to what we do to help alleviate our problems. I will never be ashamed for what I do to help me sleep, help to manage my moods, or help me manage the pain from my muscle spasms and migraines.

Also my "mom tapes" are not a load of patriarchal bullshit. I have severe PTSD because of the abusive environment I was raised in. My mother used to physically and emotionally abuse me. My "mom tapes" are the thoughts that keep repeating over and over in my head that are direct quotes from her. I do not think I am stupid and I know that I will definitely do something great with my life. I have all ready have. I have amounted to a kick ass activist who has published feminist theory and who is almost finished with her schooling in math and physics and is planning on attending grad school. But then there pops up my mom's annoying voice telling me that I'm shit, that I'm worthless, that I'm stupid and that I'll never amount to anything. Those are not my ideas, those are things that *she* told me. I named them my "mom tapes" not my awesome therapist. Again, it is my choice, my decision.

If you come to tell me that it's fucked up and I'm just a victim of the medical community you are ignoring any agency I have and my ability to decide what is best for me. Whether that is medication, naming my traumas, or anything else I decide to do to help alleviate the problems my disability throws at me it doesn't fucking matter what you think. Only I know what it's like to be me, not you, not anyone else. No one tied me down and forced this medication down my throat. No one forced me to accept the idea of mom tapes, in fact I feel that it's pretty damn accurate.

Food Stamp increase?

If you've been reading this blog for awhile you will remember me begging for donations to help pay for food for myself and my cats. (Thank you again all who donated. I got cheap veggies from the farmer's market and was so happy about having veggies instead of pancakes and malt-o-meal which was all I was eating at the time.)

Well, I may not have to do that again (*crosses fingers*) Well US Congresspeople are trying to live on the paltry $1 a meal that most Americans on food stamps have to live on:

Their spell on "the Food Stamp Challenge" will end on Monday, just before the House Agriculture Committee is expected to begin overhauling U.S. farm law. Food stamps and other public nutrition programs account for two-thirds of the spending governed by the "farm bills" written every few years.

Food stamp benefits are roughly $1 a meal or $3 a day. With that budget, the U.S. representatives said, they found starchy foods are attractively priced and little chance for variety. "I kept taking things out of my (shopping) cart," said Schakowsky, an Illinois Democrat.

"It's amazing how hard it is to buy fruits and vegetables," said Tim Ryan, an Ohio Democrat, who also enrolled in the challenge. With two loaves of bread, Ryan planned to "allocate" 12 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches among his meals.

...

Ellen Vollenger of the anti-hunger group Food Research and Action Center said the Food Stamp Challenge "is a reality check." Various public officials including state governors and city mayors have used it to get a first-hand taste of food stamp budgeting Story here.

This is the only way people will actually get enough money to buy food for an entire month. As it stands now, I am not the only one who runs out of food that recieves food stamps. Those of us who have the audacity to buy something other then starch products, dried beans, and rice often run out approximately 2 weeks after recieving the months money. Unfortunately I am more interested in eating healthily then I am about making my food stamps last a month. And I shop at discount groceries and liquidators, and the farmer's market where I find the cheapest veggies (not to mention freshest).

The fact that some legislators are taking the food stamp challenge makes me very happy, because it's the only way that they'll change anything. It's depressing how little they give us each month. For me, my disability pay went up by $10 and my food stamps went down by $25. I have approximately $118 to spend on food each month, and unfortunately the only time the stupid food bank is open I'm in class. You'd think they'd have it open at least one evening during the week, not that they have much for someone who is a vegetarian like me. (Though if I weren't a vegetarian you couldn't pay me to eat the 'chicken in a can.') Lucky for me I have a friend who works at the co-op who gets food from the free box for me.

But all this is still not enough. It's not enough for a lot of people. I would wager that most of the 26 million on food stamps can't make it last an entire month either.

Hat tip Grrrl Scientist