Relief and sadness

I express mailed my REU application yesterday, the essay nearly killed me (oh grad school apps are going to be awesome).

I passed evil Moore method class. Granted it was a C, but I passed nonetheless and it will average out with my A in Abstract Algebra so it's not too bad. (And my A in Thermal Physics. Granted those grades haven't been posted, but unless I got 0's on my finals, which I can guarantee I did not get, I should be getting A's.)

When I (flippantly) mentioned that my math geek could teach in Houston (I *really* like the program at Rice, thanks Rebecca! but no matter where I go it will not be in this state or (hopefully) anywhere west of the Mississippi) his only response was that his scholarship is dependent upon him teaching in state for the next 3 or 5 years (he wasn't sure which). But he did say that the program sounded really good and we agree that I should go if I get accepted. It just makes me really really sad. He wasn't averse to the idea of moving (and he does have a job which is highly portable: high school math teacher), he just has to be here for awhile. Oh well, that is in the future, but it's still a sobering thought and one that doesn't exactly fill me with warm fuzzies.

At least I get to read and it's nice to not have classes because I get to meet up with my math geek everyday after he finishes school for coffee or an early dinner. (Since my afternoon spring break schedule consists of me buying a New York Times, going to my favourite coffee shop, yelling at the paper and talking to my friends I have neglected because of school.)

[imitation drunken coed voice]
Spring break '08. WOOOOOOOOOO!
[/imitation drunken coed voice]

To do

1) Abstract Algebra final due Wednesday
final check before turning take home in Wednesday

2) answer thermal physics final question (ONLY ONE) due Tuesday morning

3) prove ONE MORE FUCKING PROOF before Wednesday's 2 hour class proved nothing, but then neither did 68% of the class.

4) mail the Buffy DVDs I sold on Amazon this week by Tuesday

5) celebrate the end of finals and *sigh*

6) take out friend from Abstract class on wed. night for drinks starting with trivia night

7) write essay for REU

8) YAY SPRING BREAK!!!!! mmmmm *rubs hands together and ogles the pile of books on the desk*

Pi day!

SO today at 1:59 (3/14 1:59 haha) that math department showed this HI-larious video called The Great Pi/e Debate. (I would LOVE to have Garrity as one of my prof's. He's hysterical! I love it! I do like the prof's that get all crazy and yell. Branco does that all the time especially with proofs, it's highly amusing.)

I also found this:

e vs pi!

"Ladies and Gentlemen, in the one corner we have pi. First written about by Euclid, pi is the ratio of the circumference of any circle to its diameter. Pi's been baffling people for millennia with its ability to just keep going without end. And here's the thing folks, it's the same for ALL circles! you can have a circle so small you can't even see it, and it'll be pi times as big around as it is across. And then you can draw a circle around your house, and same thing. If you had a circle that went all the way around the universe, people, its circumference would be pi times its diameter."

"And in the other corner, the scrappy young e! e was studied by the mathemetician Euler in the 1700s, e certainly doesn't have as much experience as pi, and at a measly 2.71828, certainly gives up a weight advantage to pi's 3.14159, but don't let that fool you folks...e can go on just as bafflingly long as pi, and represents the limit as n approaches infinity of (1 + 1/n)n. It is the base for the natural logarithm! The graph of f(x)=ex has a slope of exactly ex at any value of x! That's right folks, it derives its OWN tangent!"

"AND WITH THAT, e takes an early jab at pi, which reels back but quickly multiplies itself by i and raises e to...-1! Oh, e is hurting people but quickly re-derives itself from itself showing pi the versatility of truly interdimensional mathematics..., pi confined merely to the cartesian plane is quickly lost in its meager foray into Complex mathematics, and tries to re-aquire geometric footing..."

"But Pi's not done here folks, the referee can't really comprehend this higher-calculus either and quickly breaks up the hold. Pi immediately starts spinning out sine waves, proving its utility to electrical and recording engineers worldwide, but e is unimpressed. Despite lying "undiscovered" for centuries longer than pi, e demonstrates its presence throughout nature in the shell of the nautilus, the expansion of the universe, and even the architectual designs of pi's Greek contemporaries."

"Pi stumbles back, dumbfounded and weakly shields itself with a large circle, but its bag of tricks appears to be running empty, and e is just getting started, as it begins to feed itself into continuously-compounding interest equations, showing off its economic maximizing potential. But it's still not done, it's now rubbing pi's face in the base-e numerical system, with the undisputed most efficient economy of numerical width times radix, leaving no doubt as to where the "natural logarithm" got its name."

"Now I must say here, folks that stylisticaly speaking, pi looks good, but e has the undeniable presence advantage, being found on every keyboard, while pi is inherently difficult to type, not even being included in the ASCII character set. Nobody's confusing e with dessert, either, and the game may be stacked here, but ln(e1)=1, while ln(pi1) is incredibly ugly."

"Pi is definitely outclassed here. It's a textbook case of a long-time champion growing overconfident in its size and inertia and getting out maneuvered by a leaner, meaner number who just wanted it more. The winner by undisputed decision and a KNOCKOUT is...."

"eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

This deathmatch brought to you by by the balanced ternary number 111, and the letter theta

(source here)

Hope this doesn't spoil this for ya, but e wins twice in one day! That's my constant!

e!e!e!e!e!e!e!e!e!e!e!e!e!e!e!e!e!e!

in other news: physics final: one question about entropy of the universe, easy. to be done on Monday with some other physics students. algebra final: done with page one, gonna do a little here, a little there, meeting with someone before wednesday (when it's due.) evil deathly proofs class: must prove at least one more thing for wednesday.

In light of my last post

My abstract algebra midterm had a delightful question on it that was just too easy:
If G is a group in which every element is its own inverse, then G is abelian.
(HA! Too easy. I LOVE proving that things are abelian, and this is super easy. Wanna see? Too late!)

NOTE: I am not saying that if you can't do this you are not smart, but compared to other things in group theory I think this is one of the easiest things to do.

NTS. If G is a group in which every element is its own inverse, and then G is abelian.
Proof:
and



We can do the same for b.

Since we can cancel and therefore which shows that G is abelian.
QED.

I also finally just got latex for blogger to work and wanted to use it. Also, I just really liked doing this proof. It's fun, and did I mention easy?

Wow, this explains A LOT!

So, thanks to wonderful women science bloggers from my blogroll (like Science Woman and Mad Scientist) I have found an article about Imposter Syndrome that is in this week's Science Careers.

"Impostor syndrome" is the name given to the feelings that Abigail and many other young scientists describe: Their accomplishments are just luck or deceit, and they're in over their heads. The key to getting past it, experts say, is making accurate, realistic assessments of your performance. Perhaps equally important: knowing you're not alone. Abigail thinks that sharing her feelings with other people is how she will eventually come to grips with her sense of feeling like an impostor. "It's fantastic to hear other people say, 'I've felt that way, too.' "

It's a feeling I get often, thinking that I have somehow gotten this far in math and physics by dumb luck or cheating, though I have never EVER done the second one, but I still feel that somehow I *must* have done something to warrant it. Example: For abstract algebra we get notes for a test, and I know there will be T/F problems on it, and I have space left on my sheet because I've all ready written all the definitions, proofs, and theorems that I can not easily remember or access (my brain looks just as messy as my work space), so I type up all the T/F questions with the answers (I've had the prof before and know they'll be the same questions). I got them all right when I answered them on the homework, and I have horrible test anxiety, but it feels like I'm cheating, even though I know the material well, having A's on the homework and knowing that other people in the class (who are mostly math fellows and grad students) are doing the *exact* same thing that I am doing. It feels like cheating, but I'm still doing it, because I know it's a big portion of my grade and to be honest, I can do homework, I can help people, I know the material inside and out, but I bomb on tests. ALWAYS. It's why I've gone from an A to a B in some of my classes. The damn final.

I get extra time on tests because I have a severe anxiety disorder. I am getting a tutor for my proofs class because (dis)Ability resources stepped in and intervened because I was having anxiety attacks every time I did the homework and even one in class the other day. This is the class we're supposed to do Moore Method though the way it is described in the link sounds wonderful compared to the way my class is run. *I* do not learn well this way, not at all. A few of my classmates told me that they are fine with this and expressed concern over my anxiety problems (it's a small department and one of them is a math fellow and I tried to keep this away from them since I didn't want to lord it over them, but they found out). This is obviously something that is warranted due to my disability, but it still feels like it's an unfair advantage over others (though I'm sure that they don't have to get up and take a walk around the building to calm down during a test as to keep from having a full blown anxiety attack.)

I have passed classes I've never studied for, and actually done really well. So why do I feel like I somehow don't deserve this? Like I won't be able to survive grad school or post-grad school research (I want to go into research) because somehow someone will discover that I can't do it, that I'm incapable, that I don't know what I'm doing, that I'm horrible at math and physics. I'm 2 1/2 quarters away from completing an undergrad degree in mathematics (the last quarter being computer programming and math history being the only required classes, so really only one more quarter of real math classes (I am also taking quantum mechanics b/c I'm a geek and may be going into mathematical physics)) and I have to constantly remind myself that I AM smart, that I DO know this.

It's strange that I have to continually remind myself of these things so close to my goal. I am passing my proofs class, even through all the anxiety (which up until I was told I could have a tutor was giving me such horrible anxiety I was unable to sleep for the first 6 weeks of the quarter), and I am IN LOVE with my abstract algebra class. It was really tough for the first assignment, but the last one was easy, I was helping other people out with their homework, and I was LOVING it. I'm confident that I will do well on the test tomorrow. I love this stuff and am seriously considering going to graduate school for it. It's fun and it comes really easy for me. But I still feel like there's a catch. But I'm just going to try and beat it out of my head. I may not be a grad student or a professional, but knowing that other people feel this way is v v helpful. I CAN do this, and I AM good at this.

UGH. I hate this ridiculousness.

Fighting mental breakdown

OK, so I have 2 math classes. One is a 400-level abstract algebra class that I am doing well in. The second is a 300-level proofs class where I am given a page of shoddy definitions and remarks, am not allowed to talk to anyone, even people in the class, or look at any other books on the subject. Most our grade is from presentation of correct proofs in class, I, of course, am not very confident in my proofs since I am so confused by his notes and talking to the prof is NO HELP whatsoever. It's not like I can't do proofs, 401 is all proofs and I am doing very well in that class. Everyone else has presented 3-4 proofs, and I presented a whooping 1.

I missed class on Tuesday because of a migraine, and I have gone to class with a migraine before, but the way I deal with the inordinate amount of stress is by avoiding the class. I missed class today b/c I missed my first class (she lectures straight from the book, though) and I just couldn't move to get to the proofs class. That's how I deal with anxiety (thanks PTSD), by freezing, or in this case avoiding. I know it's not helping, especially since on Fridays I have to turn in correct forms of all the proofs presented in class (25% of my grade).

ARGH! I need a better way to deal with stress, I know this, hence all the therapy and meds and accupuncture. I would drop this class (never have so many tears been shed over a class) except it's a requirement.

How can I do proofs for my 401 class but not for this one? (Although I have a sneaking suspicion it's because I am able to talk to people and get a better grasp on the material. Group theory, check. Whatever the hell we're doing in 312, definitely not a fucking check.) ACK!

The Moore method sucks. And you know what I remember from my last class that was Moore method? Nothing, except the extreme desire to throw the prof out the window.