Tuesday, April 18, 2006

So why am I on disability again? OH right, misogynist asshats....

Thank you le lyons for organising Blog to Raise Awareness About Sexual Violence Day.

I can't sleep next to my friends, well anyone actually unless it's right after sleeping with them.

I can't trust men. Even my good male friends who I know in a million years would never do anything to me b/c they actually respect me and think of me as an equal, as a human.

I have flashbacks and nightmares.

I got triggered and wind up in the hospital after my annual exam at Planned Parenthood.

I have to force myself to eat, to go to the bathroom, to get out of bed, to clean my apartment, to be social, to go grocery shopping (it's been 2 weeks. I have been eating very poorly), to bathe, to do almost anything most people do with ease.

I can't read my textbooks (I can't concentrate longer than 5 seconds).

I'm forcing myself to write this right now. I'd rather be curled up in bed pretending that the world didn't exist.

Recently (a couple months ago) I wrote about the asshole Luke who thought that me saying no was me actually saying "yes." I guess there is some other definition of the word "dissociate" out there too. Fucker. He's dead to me, though I sometimes wish he was dead (like when I see him) b/c I'm torn between telling him exactly why I ignored all his succesive phone calls and why I ignore his presence whenever he's around. But then I think it's not my fucking job, but I don't want him doing it to someone else. No does not mean stop for 10 seconds or fucking kiss somewhere else. IT MEANS NO.

Now I would have PTSD without ever having been sexually assaulted, but as most people know: the more traumas, the more a chance that you will develop severe PTSD. It seems so hard, it seems so endless. I can't write a new survivor story b/c I am just too sensitive to being triggered right now.

But I can see myself getting better. I know I am. I stopped myself from dissociating with Luke. I've modified my behaviour so much that I don't meet many men and I am rarely in situations where an assault is likely (most my assaults have happened in home, so if I don't let them come into my house I won't be assaulted, right?) I know about stranger rape, but as most women I know, I am more concerned about the men I do know. And I am sick of being told not to name them. I didn't make them assault me, they did it on their own.

I'm lifting this damn 'protect the assaulters" gag order. To quote my friend Kristin's band The Trucks "No I won't sit back and be quiet!"
Anarchists/"Radical Leftist" Men who assaulted me:
Enivronmental activists
-Brad Will-glasses, about 6', long brown hair (NYC)
-Ben from More Gardens, long blond curly hair, shorter then me, so less then 5'8 (5'6"?) (NYC)
Misc. "radicals"
-Adam Seehaver-brown hair, sometimes beard, about 5'10, last seen in Austin, TX (mostly CopWatch if I remember correctly)
-Allen (Seattle) last I saw neon dreads, short, lots of piercings in his face, works with Anti-Racist Action

Me sleeping does not mean 'molest me' and don't give me some bullshit about how you thought you were dreaming. These are only the recent ones, but these were people I considered my friends. I love cuddling with people, Allen (the last one) made sure that I will not cuddle with anyone without years of therapy. He pushed me over the edge. Here I am, 4 years later, on disability, with dramatic PTSD symptoms that prevent me from doing much more then working. Fuck all of them.

They stole my trust and a huge part of my life, but I'm going to win. I'm going to get better and I'm going to keep fighting and keep speaking out. They did not effectively silence me, and no one will unless they put me in the ground. I refuse to be ashamed for my mental disorder and for the fact that I was assaulted by more then those men. My story is not an anamoly. It's all too common, but if we all keep doing what we have and keep speaking out and keep ripping apart the lies of the patriarchy maybe one day one girl will get to grow up and not know our pain. And this is what keeps me going. Besides, assholes, the more you assault me or shame me, the more radical I become. Also the best way to break out of depression is doing something constructive with your anger. I call out your patriarchal woman hating bullshit and read other radical feminist blogs. That keeps me going, it gets me out of the house. I do it to spite you, I do it for me, I do it for all the women out there who may not be radical feminists and those that call me a prude. I do it for us all.

Because I am stronger having survived this, we all are. And if someone like me who can barely get out of the house on most days can write and reach scores of people on a daily basis with my feminism then you can't stop anyone. We'll win because we're right.


le lyons said...

as always, completely amazing post. Thanks for mustering up the energy to participate. I know how it can get...but you totally rock so I am happy to be able to link to you.

And - GG & Baseball!!! We should totally talk entertainment. I didn't really watch tonight's episode (it was barely on in the background)...so don't tell me what happened!!! But I HATE Logan...he's such a prick. More on that soon.

Coathangrrr said...

"We'll win because we're right."

I wish that were true, you do not know how much I wish that were true; but unless we make sure that people know that we are right and make them understand why this matters so much we will not win.

spotted elephant said...

We will win, no matter how much we have to raise the stakes.

I'm so glad you named them.

lost clown said...

"We'll win because we're right."

I wish that were true,

We will. The sun may have supernovaed at that point, but we will. I just won't be around to see it.

hexyhex said...

Thank you for writing this.

I barely left my house for nearly a year, a few years back. It gets easier. Eventually.

River said...

We will win, because we have to.

My post for Blog Against Sexual violence Day is here: http://riverheart.livejournal.com/493103.html (warning: may trigger).

Both my daughter and I are survivors. I think my daughter has severe PTSD due to being attacked a second time. She has lost all memory of the first attack - ALL memory, including not remembering that she has felt the scars on her vagina from the first attack. The case is still in process, and it may have to proceed on evidence alone, without her testimony, because she cannot remember.

Good luck and good energy to you. The more of us who speak out as survivors, the stronger and the less ignorable we become.Bot

Laurelin said...

love you, LC.

We will always keep fighting.

Violet Socks said...

Thank you for this post. You're a very strong clown.

witchy-woo said...

"We will win because we're right"

And we'll keep bloody shouting until our rightness is acknowledged and the violence stops.

Naming your abusers...now that's a brilliant idea LC!

Great post too.

lost clown said...

I'm sick of all the bullshit other women spew defending these men. "I don't think we should use names because I have a different relationship with him."

Yeah good for you, he can't get around to raping everyone now can he? (But he sure will try)

lost clown said...

river: I am so sorry to hear that. It took until my last assault for everything I was ignoring or blocking out (unconciously) for years. Decades for some of it.

When the damn breaks it sucks, and that's what I've been dealing with for the past four years. I ended up in hospital b/c I was no longer able to suppress these memories. The best thing is to be there and supportive when it happens (which it sounds like you are doing anyway. I wish my mom had been like that.)

We will make them listen.

le lyons said...

When the damn breaks it sucks, and that's what I've been dealing with for the past four years.

So so true. And, naming your abusers. I love that for a few obvious reasons. But I also love it because, if some girl meets one of them at a bar and thinks she has a crush on him...she might google him...and she might find out that he is an asshat. And that, is beautiful. Perhaps we should all do it. How great would that be?

Mickle said...

"I'd rather be curled up in bed pretending that the world didn't exist."

I know that feeling too

"My story is not an anamoly. It's all too common, but if we all keep doing what we have and keep speaking out and keep ripping apart the lies of the patriarchy maybe one day one girl will get to grow up and not know our pain"

and I sincerely hope that the second half of that statement becomes as true and the first.

Leisha said...

Thank you for sharing.
Definitely angry for a reason.
Keep fighting the good fight.

Laura said...

Big supportive hugs for you - way to go on the naming :-) Lxxxx

Edith said...

Incredibly incredible. Naming names is so important. Your descriptions of these men are important too.

Activists assault. Liberal activists assault. Radical anarcho-communist vegans with long hair assault. "Feminist" men assault.

The last is why I don't agree that men can call themselves feminists ("pro-feminist" or "feminist ally" is a whole other thing). When you no longer carry on you a weapon with which you can and will use to assault women, then I'll start talking about you being a "feminist." It's like a pacifist who carries a gun. You have a gun, fool. You're no pacifist.

lost clown said...

Exactly Edith.

Anonymous said...

Um - I understand comments have been turned off but hopefully this will get to you. I just wanted you to know that I am learning from your blog and as hard as it must be for you to write some of this stuff I really hope you continue cause you are reaching people.

PS - I don't like Logan either - anybody is better than Jess though.


rabfish said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
lost clown said...

I know nothing about Jess's history with Rori as I only recently started watching the show. I HATE Logan.

lost clown said...

Thank you rabfish, I hope that you are getting through it all ok, too. It's so hard and you always feel so alone. I had a breakdown this weekend and am starting meds tommorrow *fingers crossed* I hope they help (for the short term at least)

manxome said...

LC, absolutely incredible post. I cannot get over the fact that you named these men. So much is said in the decision to do that. Wow. I give you a standing ovation.

The dark haired girl said...

It must have taken a lot of courage to name names. So many women keep silent, so many are told to keep silent. I too am a survivor, and it has taken years to even be able to admit that anything has happened to myself.

Be brave, be angry, and take care of yourself

lost clown said...

You too.