Thursday, April 13, 2006

Am I losing my edge?

I'm not calling people on bullshit like calling a group of people 'guys,' a lot of keeping my mouth shut around my fucked up misogynistic bike gang. I love doing crazy bike games and I want to make more mutant bikes, but I can't find people who are radical. I know a lot of being a radical feminist is walking the line between being in society and also being a radical feminist.

And right now I'm kind of down and lonely and I'm hanging out with assholes like my bike gang. Lately I'm just too tired. Maybe that's it. I'm tired and I'm alone (here anyway) and it's just as easy for me not to say anything as it is for them to write me off as 'that crazy bitch' although I must admit that I don't go out often. I hermit, because I can't deal with it-any of it.

Maybe this is just the PTSD talking, because I know I'll bounce back and be ranting and blaming away, but right now I just feel as though I've given up and that sucks.

21 comments:

Joida said...

:hugs:

Andrea said...

Nooo, you're fine. No one can do the standing up thing all the time, it wears you down.

I'll see you online over this weekend, it's been a nightmare the past few days but I'll tell you about that later.
Love you. xxx

v said...

hey lc,

i hermit too. i just find it so difficult being around 'friends' and people who consider themselves left of liberal who just so clearly dont consider women to be fully human. sometimes theyll realise im standing right here, hello?!, so they tell me im different, but that doesnt make it any better. i dont believe it.

lost clown said...

Yeah, that's what I was trying to get away from years ago and now it's turned into full blown hermitage.

Different? That's one of the key phrases I wrote about in my compulisve masculinity piece. Placing women into seperate categories based upon your (superficial) respect for them is still misogynistic.

Terry said...

I'm feeling the same need to hermit. Reading for the carnival has left me exhausted and heart-sick. There's so many horrible things out there and so little hope right now. It's like we're forever pushing a 1 ton rock up a hill.

Rest and take care of yourself. I'm thinking of you.

Biting Beaver said...

Feminist burnout- I feel you LC. It's draining and exhausting to see the threads and feel like you're screaming to an empty stadium. Take a break, we've got your back while you rest *grin*

spotted elephant said...

Yes, this is a clear sign that you need to do a "healing retreat" for yourself. Get the time you can, line up food, drinks, and activities you love. No chores are allowed, you may want to turn off the phone, etc.

I end up in my comfy chair with a great movie or book and a fuzzy blanket. Ahhh. Oh, your most comfortable clothes are a necessity, like that t-shirt that's so old it's super-soft...OK, you get the idea.

But no judging yourself-this is exhaustion, not a failing on your part.

Andrea said...

I have hardly any friends any more, I'm sick of trying to have fun and then having it all ruined when they come out with something sexist.
Sometimes the only way you can cope with it is to shut it out for a while, it just gets to be too much, and once you've started seeing it all you can't switch it off. It's EVERYWHERE, all the time, and there's only so much one person can take.

(As I was writing this, my Dad put on Ghostbusters, and one of the characters checked to see if a female was mad by asking her if she was menstruating).

lost clown said...

I know darling, but you'll always have me. mwah.

Coathangrrr said...

I use the term guy and guys all the time. It is generally non-gendered though. I think I've confused people.

lost clown said...

It's not non-gendered. It is male gendered which is the default or the "neutral" which is only truly neutral to males. Female has always meant 'other' or 'negative' and male has meant 'neutral' or 'positive.'

That's mighty patriarchal speech you go there.

witchy-woo said...

Yep. 'Guy' = male.

LC - just be who you are, huh?

Don't change.

It may be without that 'human warmth' malarkey but, you better believe it woman, biggest feminist woman loving strength appreciating fuck off we're gonna do this thing eventually hug has just hit you.

Don't ever give up.

lost clown said...

Thanks everyone. It means a lot (and I may have found another anti-pornster here! YAY!!)

lost clown said...

Oh and just to note I was quoting an LCD SOundsystem song "I'm Losing my Edge" for the title. I don't think so, I just think I'm run down and sick of constantly having to fight a world that hates me and wants me dead.

le lyons said...

I just read this post (sorry to be behind), but it (along with the comments) is exactly what I needed right now.

**I just deleted my ramblings so as not to burden your blog with my own tiredness**

Thanks for being who you are LC. I understand - we all do. It's nice to know that even when the "real" world gets to be too much and it seems like we are fighting back all on our own that we have support in this blogging community.

hexyhex said...

Heh. I'm kinda glad you made this post. I'm new to Serious Issues blogging, and have frankly been a little intimidated by the seemingly limitless blogging energy some of my regular favourites demonstrate. It's good to see there's human. :)

lost clown said...

Hehehe. I know exactly what you mean.

Coathangrrr said...

"It's not non-gendered. It is male gendered which is the default or the "neutral" which is only truly neutral to males. Female has always meant 'other' or 'negative' and male has meant 'neutral' or 'positive.'

That's mighty patriarchal speech you go there."

I was just trying to give you your edge back, I swear.

But thanks for the correction.

lost clown said...

hehehe. And that's what I do.

the nut said...

LOL - I just took a week long break myself and it was much needed. I pretty much stopped blogging, reading other blogs, reading/watching the news, etc. With the Duke rape case, the shitty ending in the Chicago rape case and the should-have-ended-that-way-the-first-time win in the OC case, I was tired. Not to mention Shrub and his never ending stupidity. I could go on, but I won't.

So take a mental break, walk along the river/lake/ocean (especially the ocean bc I swear the salty air has a therapeutic effect) and take it easy for a bit.

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