Hardship withdrawal statement

While I have had my disability for awhile now, I suffered from a medication mix up last quarter that cost me the ability to concentrate. I have still not fully recovered. While we are experimenting with meds I have noticed that I have not gotten it back, things that used to be simple for me such as reading a book are now hard. (I have yet to finish a short story more then 3 pages long.) This new development has made concentrating on my studies near impossible and while I was getting good grades before, I am not now. Winter quarter has always been the hardest for me as I also suffer from Seasonal Affectedness Disorder. Combine my newly found inability to concentrate with the hardest quarter of the year for me, and the hardest classes I've taken and I can't keep up. I've missed about 5 days of school so far this quarter and foresee missing a lot more. This was a decision I thought long and hard about, and together with my therapist and David from disAbility Resources I have decided that what is best for me is to continue working with my doctor to find the right combination of medications, and to take care of myself this quarter. I have also created a plan that has me taking winter quarter off for the rest of my time here, and to possibly substitute summer quarter instead. Although this is a pre-existing condition, as I continue to cope with it new problems arise. This was a very unexpected and unwelcome turn of events for me, and I hope that the break this affords me will leave me refreshed for spring quarter. Having a stress related disorder makes the additional stressor of little to no sunlight unbearable for me. I hope that you will understand that this is not a decision I have made lightly, but one that has taken awhile for me to come to terms with. I'm still learning how to deal with my disability, and this is one of the paths I must take to ensure (relative) sanity and peace of mind.

Hardship withdrawal

I've decided to take one for this quarter. It's too much and I'm still so raw from last quarter. It will all be better after I have a break, though I wonder how this effects my work study job in the photo department and my non work study job as a lab TA. It probably doesn't effect the second one so much.

This is a big decision, but one I've been thinking about for awhile now. I can't take it, it's too much.

Edit:
I feel so much better just knowing I'm going to take the withdrawal. I'll keep my art class and maybe my physics class because it's only offered in the winter. Who knows. If I keep my art class I can keep my work study and my gym membership (for when I actually feel like moving). These are good things. I'm glad I don't have to give up art as it makes me feel wonderful. Good for me, is what I say. I need to take care of myself. This is how that looks this quarter. Who knows if I'll do better next quarter, but considering I've been thinking about dropping out a one quarter withdrawal is good. (With succesive winter quarters spent in sunny Texas for a sanity break.)

Edit #2:
Here's to finally having the energy to do my dishes and clean my house!

I just want to give up

school is just too overwhelming.

I can't concentrate.

I can't think.

I sort of don't care.

HELP!!

Anxiety & Water Polo

This weekend turned into a big old suck fest for me. I had a water polo tournament, which I'm usually excited about, but apparently some people on the team are unhappy with my frequent absences. I decided to tell one of the captains, who I am comfortable with, about my disability. Whole lotta fun, right? Well during our second game I had an anxiety attack, because the team had no confidence in me in my head. I'm a good goalie, and I am dedicated to the team. I'm amazed at how many practices I actually make it there for, between the depression, anxiety, muscle spasms, and migraines. She asked if she could tell the team, and I told her yes. I ditched out the last day, missing 2 games because I still felt fragile. I also had to avoid the team because I was having an anxiety attack. I didn't even shower or change after the game.

Water polo, when I'm playing, with a good coach, makes me feel on top of the world. I'm good, I know it, and the team is usually supportive. Losing that makes me feel like I should just quit, but knowing I can have that makes me miss it entirely. I don't know what to do. Now they know. Who knows what will happen. I guess the big question on my mind is should I keep at it? This may be my last year, and I have the option of missing a tournament making the next tournament my possible last one as goalie for this team, possibly ever if I don't go to grad school with a team or in a city with a masters club, who I'd feel more comfortable playing with as they are more my age then the college team.

work in progress

Is it possible to fall in love with someone who isn't there?
To fall into each other the way that lovers do,
to see yourself through their eyes
to know that you are loved as only you,
as no one else,
with all your faults,
all your foibles.
To be happy at the sheer thought
of nothing that is them.
Knowing whatever you do, they'll still be there
to take you in their arms...

Is it possible?

Watching the BC news is so hard lately

Robert Pickton, pig-farmer, charged with 26 counts of murder of women from the Downtown Eastside is starting to finally face charges for 6 of these murders.

It's your usual story, scores of women go missing from the poorest part of the city, and not until years later they finally catch the person. He says he's innocent, but they found the remains of some of these women on his pig farm. (Pigs eat people.) These women were prostitutes, drug addicts, but in a nicer way the news are highlighting every single one of the women and talking about their lives and treating them like victims and letting their names be heard, not just his. As the trial goes on, I'll have more and more to say about this, but right now I'm just really sad, tired, and sick.

Cute video

Check it out!

Blogging for choice

One of the biggest reasons that I am so admantly pro-choice is because I grew up in an abusive household where I wasn't exactly a planned for and welcomed part of the family.

I want EACH and EVERY child to be loved and wanted.

I want them to be taken care of. It's about quality of life, not just quantity. I survived and I refuse to have children because I am afraid that I might become abusive. Lord knows I have enough trouble just feeding myself on most days due to my lovely PTSD, which incidentally has nothing to do at all with the long term abuse I suffered as a child. No wait, it does.

I want EACH and EVERY child to be cared for and provided for.

Sometimes a woman just can't do these things. Forcing women to have kids or tell them to put kids into a problem riddled foster care system....there's a better solution. We have so many abused, resented, and neglected kids out there that we don't need to create more.

A woman, for any reason, says that she chooses to abort it's a-ok with me, even though the only person this should matter to is the woman involved. Not me. Not you. Not anyone else.

Wolverine!!!!

Got Diary of the day over at Catster!!!!


I'm so proud!

Lost CLown's prescription for street harrassment

Turn and face your harrasser.
In baby talk say "OOooooooohhhhhh. DO you feel like a big man now?, etc"
Possibly (if you are comfortable enough with this) try to pinch his cheek while you say it, or make like you're going to pinch his cheek.


It works great. Nothing quite gets them to stop like treating them like the infant they are.

Migraines ruined my weekend

I had big plans which included meeting Library Tavern Liz, but alas. Stupid migraines.

Mischief tongue!

Fun weekend

At Jody's (seen right) bachlorette party. I may not be the most pro-marriage person, but I am pro-party and whatever makes Jody happy makes me happy.

It's that time again

Check back on the 22nd, and you can sign up here.

Fun Blogging

It was supposed to be Friday Fun Blogging, but my dear friend Laura and I both needed a lift.

Happy Song:

"Have a Nice Day" byt the Stereophonics

"San Francisco Bay
Past pier thirty nine
Early p.m.
Can't remember what time
Got the waiting cab
Stopped at the red light
Address, unsure of
But it turned out just right

It started straight off
"Coming here is hell"
That's his first words
We asked what he meant
He said " where ya' from?"
We told him our lot
"When ya' take a holiday
Is this what you want?"

So have a nice day
Have a nice day
Have a nice day
Have a nice day

Lie around all day
Have a drink to chase
"Yourself and tourists, yeah
That's what I hate"
He said "We're going wrong
We've all become the same
We dress the same ways
Only our accents change

So have a nice day
Have a nice day
Have a nice day
Have a nice day

Swim in the ocean
That be my dish
I drive around all day
And kill processed fish
It's all money gum
No artists anymore
You're only in it now
To make more, more, more

So have a nice day
Have a nice day
Have a nice day
Have a nice day

Have a nice day
Have a nice day
Have a nice day
Have a nice day"

I usually like snow

Today some of the physics lab TA's made a giant snow woman (complete with nipples) and a smaller snow man grabbing her ass. Do I need to point out why I hate them so much?

Also, some days I think that I didn't get re-evaluated for Disability (I had a review this year and I didn't have to go see one of their shrinks again.) because their psyciatrist diagnosed me as Borderline, just like the pyschiatrist at my doctor's office. Welcome to the wastebasket. (More on this and BPD later, as many of you know I am fond of blogging about.)

I apparently missed a post on bees and hives, and I'm happy to say my bubble is still intact, because I have no idea what ya'll are talking about.

I went to therapy yesterday

and my therapist told me that I "live large." It came out of me talking about how I was playing in the high winds yesterday. Woo WOO!

Food Secure

Level Green. Yay foodstamps.

My food security level is orange.

I have:

about 10 (really) small oranges (xmas oranges)
rice (enough for another cup...dinner tommorrow or linner)
dried beans
dried lentils
1 cup yogurt
spices


Today I had the last of my cereal and rice and beans. Tomorrow I think I'll make dal. Thank god for cheap dried beans and lentils. My food stamps come in either on Monday or Tuesday, but I'm hoping Monday. If anything I get my school money on Tuesday. woo woo. Food shopping while hungry is not exactly fun.

Support the Arts

My dear friend Jhayne is trying to put the funds together for a theatre. You may have noticed the link to Heart of the World which is the name of the theatre that Jhayne is trying to start on Vancouver's Commercial Drive. Well we need a half a million (CAD) dollars to put the down payment in by the 15th. Shares are being sold for 200 CAD (that's Canadian Dollars) each. If you want to help, want a share in a theatre, or live in Vancouver and want to see this beautiful place turned into a new live venue to go see shows, then by all means emai (link at HotW website) or call Jhayne at (604) 321.POEM (countdown to pretention).

You can also check out the article in the Globe and Mail. (The theatre really looks a lot nicer then they say, I don't know what's wrong with them, and those seats are comfy.)