Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Has any one seen my heart? (Anxiety run amok)

Not again
Originally uploaded by union_clown.
I can't deal with this town. I can't deal with seeing Jason everywhere. It's the (most probable) cause of this recent anxiety swing. I also think I'm around some kind of anniversary, because I can sleep well during the day, but can't at night. I've never had this problem before so I can't help but wonder if it's something I've uncovered or my body has remembered since I have begun healing most of the obvious triggers and problems, which leads me back to where I started this post: Jason.

I can't deal with it, but I fear calling him to ask if he wants to talk (or stop by since he moved in a block away from me...fuck) when I'm sober because that might mean revealing my feelings and having to let him know (soberly) how much it hurts, how my stomach clenches and I want to cry (and yell at him) everytime I see him, which unfortunately is almost daily now. Not on purpose, mind you. We see each other, I ignore him, and he searches my face trying to make eye contact and get my attention, but all I can do is stare at some spot in the distance and pretend I don't see him 2 feet away from me, standing right in front of me. The idea of spending the summer in Savannah keeps me going most of the time, but that's a long ass time away and I fear I may just crack before that time comes.

School's starting in 2 days, and I can't figure out if I'm upset or ambivalent about it. One it'll give me things to take my mind off the fact that I have not felt heartache this horrible EVER. (This may be partially because I was never healed enough to open up in the way I did with J ever before in my life. Yay healing.) But then there's two: it'll pile stress on me and the forced socialisation and leaving of my comfortable, warm nook. It's so hard for me to make myself do assignments, but hopefully the math will continue to be enjoyable...I'm worried about the physics, because right now I don't fucking care about anything except taking my mind off how I'm feeling right now. Fuckity fuck fuck.


Laura said...

Damn forced socialization to hell. Hate it. I really hope the J situation gets better and summer comes round quickly, and with it cocktail and sunbathing time :)

Come to Paris!! We could cry and swear together rather than apart.

And there are pastries. And chocolates. And cheap but lovely red wine.

Seriously, though, I'm so sorry for what you're going through and have had to go through. If I could be there for you I would.