Friday, September 22, 2006

Fuckity fuck fuck (anxiety blogging)

God damn it. I can't sleep. I feel like I've been on the verge of an anxiety attack all week. It just keeps building and building. I can't deal with this shit. If I take an anti-anxiety med now I'll sleep through tommorrow and I can't do that. The cats need food and I have an appointment with my (kick ass rad fem) therapist. Fuck. Even mastrubating's not fun, but ever since my last sexual assault I haven't been able to orgasm (except with Thomas who lives far away and who I'm secretly (though I guess not anymore) in love with. No wonder that doesn't put me to sleep. Shit I don't even have a bath tub in which to soak and let everything drop away. No. Is it because I've been seeing Jason a lot more (ex possible unicorn now dubbed *asshole*)? I mean what? Is it that I've been on disability for 2 years and I'm waiting to hear back if they think I need to go see another government shrink and tell him all about my problems (last time it was a guy, seeing as this isn't a large city I'm assuming there's only one and at least he didn't press me to talk about my sexual assaults; not that I could mind you, I was sobbing uncontrollably at the time. FUCK. I don't know what caused this, and I don't know what'll stop it, but I'm damn sick of having PTSD. I hate everyone and I just want to sleep, but I can't even do that. Fuck. I fail at simple things like sleeping.

Oh and they upped my Zoloft to 150 mg a day. WOO WOO.

fuck. But I'm still a superhero.


deviousdiva said...

I hope this doesn't sound pathetic in the face of what you are going through, but I am sorry you are suffering.

Thinking of you and hoping you get through this difficult period the soonest.

Anonymous said...

I sympathize, insomnia is torture.
Be sure to cut out all caffeine. And cut back on any nicotine, especially near bedtime.
Get some exercise in the morning or early in your day. I have found it helps to cut down on TV near bed time as well. Try to get some kind of activity into your day even if it is just a walk or bus ride to run an errand.
It’s too bad about not having a bathtub available as a warm bath can help. A warm shower is a fair substitute.
For those times you might be laying there unable to sleep, here are some ideas that have worked for me:
Try not to fall into a cycle of feeling bad about feeling bad about feeling……..and on and on. Just make yourself as comfortable as possible and think about times in your life when you wished you could just sit and relax. Especially think of a time when you had to get up early and just wished you could lie in bed for a few more minutes; these are those minutes you wished for.
Sleep is a natural bodily function and it can malfunction just like any other function. It’s not your fault so don’t be hard on yourself. Modern life is full of things that can throw off your body’s natural rhythms. Give these things a try and I hope you feel better. You may need to take this problem to your doctor.

lost clown said...

Yeah, those are all good tips, but my insomnia is anxiety related. I've had it since I was 10, so I've tried cutting out everything (not that I smoked or drank caffeine as a kid...we were a juice only household). I know you meant well, but sometimes insomnia is associated with an anxiety disorder (which I talked about in the post).

To sum: the underlying problem is the PTSD not the insomnia.

BaltimoreLenore said...

Just wanted to say 'hi'. I found your blog through Biting Beaver. Thanks for writing such a great blog!

spotted elephant said...

I have generalized anxiety disorder, which is a different kind of pain, but I understand what it's like to have anxiety destroy everything-sleep's the worst. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Sarah Louise Parry said...

You poor thing, and the lack of bath tub to soak in doesn't help. Bubbles, book and bath always help to mellow out a sitch.

alyx said...

Hugging you, sending you good, healing-type vibes always,


lost clown said...

Thanks all.

Laura said...

More hugs and superhero strength rays heading your way from Paris :) xxxxx

Cranky Crankman said...

It's the holidays and I really detest spending time with my relatives. Seriously, they're not any fun, and always end up depressing me. I wish I could trade them. Thanks for letting me vent; I feel better. (Anyone else always/ever feel this way about their relatives?)