I should not own a TV

So this is gonna be quick because I have to go to class, but there's a commercial that makes me scream everytime I see it, much to the dismay of my neighbours. Ok, actually 2, but there's a Philadelphia cream chesse commercial that just drives me bonkers. It's supposedly sent in heaven, they have this whole set with this woman angel. The one that I keep seeing starts out with her coming out of a meeting and meeting another woman angel for lunch. So far no problem, but then this tall, model looking model, the new angel in accounting walks by, and the 1st woman says "Have you seen how perky her wings are? They can't be real." Then the two women eating start giggling. So even in a heaven type situation we are still judging each other and making ourselves feel better by putting down other, perhaps younger, women who fit the whole ideal of feminine beauty. ARGH!

I guess it pisses me off so much for the obvbious reasons, but I would hope that if it's supposed to be heaven we would be free from the constant need to be obsessed with the patriarchal beauty standard. Now I know I shouldn't expect more from a commercial, but it drives me insane that this is pitched to us and not only perfectly normal, but ok in a supposed ideal situation. I mean why not walk up to her and say hi instead of judging her because her 'wings' happen to be 'perky'. Obviously I ask to much from commercials that prtray heaven then I should. I don't believe in heaven, but if it does exist (I am agnostic) I refuse to believe that we will behave in a catty way towards one another, but then again that's my heaven, not a patriarchal version of one that has us continuing to compete with one another based on body standards. I hate TV.

Ah school (in which the author is NOT anxiety blogging, but instead talking about patriarchy)

School's almost here which means my neighbourhood has been filled with loud drunken assholes all week. Woo. It was so quiet and peaceful. *sigh*

But what actually pisses me off more then having people screaming outside my window is that I will be subjected to another year of the school paper which has such fine pieces of journalism as a lovely piece about "spring skin" in which the author tells the women on campus that please, for the love of god, don't wear skimpy clothes. All the poor boys who can't help but turn you into pornography when you do, and they are completely defenseless. Their grades suffer and they just can't do anything except stare at your shoulder and drool from seeing skin. For them we should institute a school wide policy in which all women have to wear parkas no matter what the temperature. All skin showing is strictly prohibited (by women only, that is). Oh wait, this reminds me of something....

Really, why aren't more guys offended by this? Because according to the author, everytime you see the teensiest bit of skin (say maybe an ankle) the verbal part of your brain shuts off and you go into caveman mode. And why the hell is this in a campus paper? I generally don't read it because it is so well known as a piece of crap by anyone with half a brain, but everytime I pick it up it has sexist crap like that spread all over it. Oh joy. Here we go.

Has any one seen my heart? (Anxiety run amok)

Not again
Originally uploaded by union_clown.

I can't deal with this town. I can't deal with seeing Jason everywhere. It's the (most probable) cause of this recent anxiety swing. I also think I'm around some kind of anniversary, because I can sleep well during the day, but can't at night. I've never had this problem before so I can't help but wonder if it's something I've uncovered or my body has remembered since I have begun healing most of the obvious triggers and problems, which leads me back to where I started this post: Jason.

I can't deal with it, but I fear calling him to ask if he wants to talk (or stop by since he moved in a block away from me...fuck) when I'm sober because that might mean revealing my feelings and having to let him know (soberly) how much it hurts, how my stomach clenches and I want to cry (and yell at him) everytime I see him, which unfortunately is almost daily now. Not on purpose, mind you. We see each other, I ignore him, and he searches my face trying to make eye contact and get my attention, but all I can do is stare at some spot in the distance and pretend I don't see him 2 feet away from me, standing right in front of me. The idea of spending the summer in Savannah keeps me going most of the time, but that's a long ass time away and I fear I may just crack before that time comes.

School's starting in 2 days, and I can't figure out if I'm upset or ambivalent about it. One it'll give me things to take my mind off the fact that I have not felt heartache this horrible EVER. (This may be partially because I was never healed enough to open up in the way I did with J ever before in my life. Yay healing.) But then there's two: it'll pile stress on me and the forced socialisation and leaving of my comfortable, warm nook. It's so hard for me to make myself do assignments, but hopefully the math will continue to be enjoyable...I'm worried about the physics, because right now I don't fucking care about anything except taking my mind off how I'm feeling right now. Fuckity fuck fuck.

Ummm....

Tri-Lamb Material 65 % Nerd, 26% Geek, 56% Dork

For The Record: A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia. A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one. A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions. You scored better than half in Nerd and Dork, earning you the coveted title of: Tri-Lamb Material. The classic, "80's" nerd, you are what most people think of when they think "nerd," largely due to 80's movies like Revenge of the Nerds and TV shows like Head of the Class. You're exceptionally bright and smart, and partly because of that have never quite fit in with your peers or social groups. Perhaps you've realized, or will someday, that it is possible to retain all of the things that you like about being brilliant and still make peace with the social cliques around you. Or maybe you won't--it's really not necessary. As the brothers of Lambda Lambda Lambda discovered, you're fine just the way you are and can take pride in that. I mean, who wants to be like Ogre, right!? Congratulations!

I took it again:

Pure Nerd 65 % Nerd, 26% Geek, 39% Dork

For The Record: A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia. A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one. A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions. You scored better than half in Nerd, earning you the title of: Pure Nerd. The times, they are a-changing. It used to be that being exceptionally smart led to being unpopular, which would ultimately lead to picking up all of the traits and tendences associated with the "dork." No-longer. Being smart isn't as socially crippling as it once was, and even more so as you get older: eventually being a Pure Nerd will likely be replaced with the following label: Purely Successful. Congratulations!

Link: The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test

I never saw the movie, and don't exactly enjoy their definition of dork. It's not my definition. And I think my definition of not fitting in is a lot different then theirs. You know, with the whole clown thing. I may be socially akward, but other people usually call that "quirky."

Fuckity fuck fuck (anxiety blogging)

God damn it. I can't sleep. I feel like I've been on the verge of an anxiety attack all week. It just keeps building and building. I can't deal with this shit. If I take an anti-anxiety med now I'll sleep through tommorrow and I can't do that. The cats need food and I have an appointment with my (kick ass rad fem) therapist. Fuck. Even mastrubating's not fun, but ever since my last sexual assault I haven't been able to orgasm (except with Thomas who lives far away and who I'm secretly (though I guess not anymore) in love with. No wonder that doesn't put me to sleep. Shit I don't even have a bath tub in which to soak and let everything drop away. No. Is it because I've been seeing Jason a lot more (ex possible unicorn now dubbed *asshole*)? I mean what? Is it that I've been on disability for 2 years and I'm waiting to hear back if they think I need to go see another government shrink and tell him all about my problems (last time it was a guy, seeing as this isn't a large city I'm assuming there's only one and at least he didn't press me to talk about my sexual assaults; not that I could mind you, I was sobbing uncontrollably at the time. FUCK. I don't know what caused this, and I don't know what'll stop it, but I'm damn sick of having PTSD. I hate everyone and I just want to sleep, but I can't even do that. Fuck. I fail at simple things like sleeping.

Oh and they upped my Zoloft to 150 mg a day. WOO WOO.

fuck. But I'm still a superhero.

Oops on the title

Dammit. Anyone got any leads on finding affordable housing for about 20 days in December in Savannah?

Gah...my computer is being finicky about it's internet connection and wouldn't show me couchsurfing.com

New computer!

It's all shiny and I haven't been able to rip myself away from it since I got it. But now I have to go and get my teeth drilled. *sigh*

Just popping in for a second...

I never knew that when I posted my Parsley and Vitamin C recipie for inducing a period that I would still be getting visits, that it would be the number one search that brought people here, and that I would be getting feedback from the women who have used the method.

Everytime one of you says 'thank you for posting this' I am reaffirmed in my efforts as a feminist. And everytime you say that you will pass the information on I am excited to know that this information will be spread far and wide. The people who tell me blogs are stupid do not know how much power you all have, and how much a single post can yield. All I can say is wow. I'm still in shock. That's why there have been no more "Fun with Sitemeter Posts" by the time I check sitemeter all the bullshit searches for porn, etc have been wiped away by women searching for ways to induce miscarriages. It's been the top visisted page since it was posted. I hope it's helpful, it was for me.

Also, I ordered a new computer, so you should all see me back online more regularly. Rantings and all. I miss you.

Meme meme meme (real post below)

I’ve been tagged by Laurelin!

1. One book that changed your life? My first Andrea Dworkin book, "Letters from a War Zone." I was so happy to have found a book that expressed all my concerns and thoughts perfectly.

2. One book you have read more than once? This may be cheating, but the "Regarding the..." series by Katie and M. Sarah Klise. They're amazing kids books that I read when I feel down. There's (regarding the): fountain, sink, tree, and bathroom and I love those books so much.

3. One book you would want on a desert island? The unabridiged Oxford English Dictionary. Why? Because I can only have one, and this one would last a looooong ass time, and I always think about reading the entire thing from start to finish and never have enough time.

4. One book that made you laugh? "A Walk in the Woods" by Bill Bryson. Also the section on misused words in Strunk and WHite's "Elements of Style" cracks my ass up everytime.

5. One book that made you cry? "A Woman on the Edge of Time" by Marge Piercy. I understand why she had to do what she did, but it made me so sad. (It's also one of my favourite books that I've read over and over. I have two copies: one for me and one loner copy.)

6. One book you wish had been written? My book, of course.

7. One book you wish had never had been written? Geez...where do I start? How about all those horrible Howard Stern books that my ex-roommate had lying around all over. I hope that guy gets castrated by a mob of women that he's abused.

8. One book you are currently reading? "JPod" by Douglas COupland. It's Microserfs updated. I love Douglas COupland books. Guess that's why I live near Vancouver.

9. One book you have been meaning to read? Goodness gracious. I have a library of books I bought and want to read. "Pornography and Silence" by Susan Griffin.

10. Now tag five people! I tag anyone who’s reading this and hasn't been tagged since it took me so long to get around to it.

I met Ms. Jared!!! (Tales of the Bay Area)

And she's FAB-U-LOUS!!! SO is the wonderfully cute Ms. Mabel. YAY!!!

Posts to come: Industrial Workers of the World General Assembly (i.e. weekend of boring meetings) update including the ratified Gender Action Plan AND the new committee that I co-chair to write a Gender Violence policy that will become part of the by-laws of the constitution. Also will include: how many stupid white guys does it take to make me want to scream and break things? And the whole bullshit about following 'Robert's Rules' for the IWW meetings which have many rank and file members who don't have robert's rules memorised (myself included). DETAILS TO COME. Stay Tuned.