Tuesday, May 23, 2006

good god make it stop: anxiety blogging

well the sun was a well planned evil occurance. we are now back to our usual constant spitting rain that characterises the west coast. i hope it's not raining for the critical mass on friday (5:30 Vancouver Art Gallery, Lion side), but i've been going to critical masses all winter so i should be used to the rain, right?

i've been up since 9 am yesterday with a brief respite of 2 hours yesterday afternoon. So I've been up approximately 28 hours. i'm going to visit my family for 5 days in a few weeks and that means my wonderfully abusive, manipulative mother, and I haven't talked to possible unicorn since our escapade in seattle last week. he has told me twice that he would call me at a certain time, but hasn't, and I really feel like I'm getting the cold shoulder of fuck off, but i don't know if i am b/c he won't fucking COMMUNICATE.

well at least i finally took my anti-anxiety meds (supplemental to the zoloft) and have calmed down a bit. as soon as i am done with work I am taking a very short nap and then crashing sometime after 10 (which seems the best idea given my weird sleeping habits and annoying morning classes). Have I mentioned that I love having PTSD lately?

fuck. i hate stress, it makes me freak out. and i need to be told 'i need a break' or 'i think we're moving too fast' or 'i'm really busy' not 'i'll call you when i get off work' and it's days later and nothing yet. i knew his work sucks and needs to be unionised, but i had no idea that they locked their employees in and made them work for days straight!

why did i agree to go back to my parents? i have friends in the city i can stay with (Chicago) and i know i will be going back to my heaven in the desert instead of home for xmas and i really want to see my grandmothers, as they are both very old and i love them so. i hate that my abusive mother holds the keys to access to my family, but i think i'm strong enough, and i have meds and an escape route, so really i think i can handle it, i hope.

bah-i need sleep. and a bath (i lack a bathtub though) and lots of hugs and chocolate. i also think i'm going to get an ice bat today, as i all ready have bop and beep. (ugly dolls) because i no longer care that i'll be like andrea ;).



TL said...

If you come up this weekend, there's a bathtub in the rather strange bathroom in my basement.

lost clown said...

I'd love to use it.

mwah mwah mwah

should I give you a call later on this week? (I will anyway)

TL said...

Yes, do.

Andrea said...

You no longer CARE?! You should be honoured!!

You can always come and stay with me, but it's a bit of a journey. If this unicorn thing carries on, I'll kick his arse for you.

Kick him in the shins ;)

Dubhe said...

I thought one of the prerequisites for "unicorn" status was "doesn't jerk women around by treating basic communication with them as unimportant."

hexyhex said...

Ick... I've been having stress related issues as well, recently. Good luck.

Terry said...

Long acting anxiety meds are great, but there's nothing like ativan for shutting it down cold in 20 minutes. It can pull me out of a full blown panic attack. You might try asking for it. I've got a big bottle of it for visiting my family this summer.

Laurelin said...

LC- many hugs.

I'll be willing to help Andrea kick the unicorn's arse if neccessary.

I'm also having anxiety issues with my stupid brain. Hmph.

lost clown said...

I thought one of the prerequisites for "unicorn" status was "doesn't jerk women around by treating basic communication with them as unimportant."

Yes it is, hence the reason there is no full blown uicorn status, that and that's the only thing I referred to him as on my blog so I thought I should keep with the one name thing. For continuity's sake. No unicorn status for him now. Jerkfacehead.

Andrea: You know I love you. Ice Bat's hanging upside down over my bed as we speak.

You're all so sweet! We can have an arse kicking party.

spotted elephant said...

I've got my shit-kickin' boots on right now. They're for anyone who gives you a bad time-potential unicorn, TA, mother, etc.

Just let me know.


lost clown said...

Terry- Thanks for the info, the Xanax worked pretty well (when I finally took it), but 20 minutes sounds amazingly good!

SE-and you're closer then the others! You might actually get to! ;)

Thanks all. I needed this *hugs*

Andrea said...

"you know I love you" Well how could you not?! Ice Bat's are great.

How are you doin? Email me, I miss you.