Friday, October 19, 2007

Another week, more problems

So my insomnia has been acting up again. It's really fucking with school. And when I can't sleep my anxiety gets much much worse. I need to talk to my doctor because the 25mg of seroquel is not working anymore. I was going to go up for my friend's birthday in Vancouver, but I'm here and feel like I got hit by a mack truck.

I had tests in my Classical Mechanics class and my hard math class today. I was in the testing center for 7 hours, partially because I kept having mini panic attacks and almost started crying several times. It was very disconcerting. I'm still kicking myself b/c I know my physics prof would have let me take the test on Monday. I spent so much time studying for physics that I only did some damage control this morning (though I've been doing all the homework in my math class religiously).

I think I did well on the mechanics test. I feel that I did passable on the math test, even though I almost broke down several times during it.

I have to talk to my therapist about the sleeping thing, and the fact that lately my mom tapes have been playing repeatedly and every time I have trouble with something my immediate thought is that I'm too stupid and I should quit (she used to tell me repeatedly that I was stupid and that I'd never amount to anything. great mother, huh?).

It doesn't help that I have the math prof I hate who makes me feel like an idiot everytime I have a problem. And I've been doing the most moronic thing too: I'm madly in love with a total math genius. he never got anything but an A in any of his classes (though part of this may be that he probably has much better study habits then I do. I only really know how to study by doing the homework. Reviewing stuff is still hard for me) and it's the same when I can't do something, I think of him and feel like a complete idiot (but only in my math classes, when I asked him to check to see that my physics math was right he was totally lost, partially because of the dummy variables). But he's nothing but supportive. In fact he's awesome.

I know it's just my anxiety and my PTSD (mom tapes) acting up, but it's been this way for the past two weeks. I really need to do something about this. It's also seriously making me doubt grad school. I need to get this under control. I thought it was, but then it comes back to bite me in the ass. Having a mental health disability is so fucking hard. I hate my life sometimes. But I will keep trying and I will beat this fucking bullshit. (I hope.) I really want to go to grad school, badly. I'll just have to try twice as hard as some people, and let me tell you, I don't think it's fucking fair.

In other news I got a B on my DiffEQ test. We have another one next week. This week I'm going to finally open the book. I can ace this class if I study a little.

EDIT: I found a sliding scale accupuncture place and am going in because I've been having a lot of muscle spasms (in my neck) which lead to migraines and they've all gotten more frequent in the past two weeks. I can't go a day without a muscle relaxer and it's killing me (and turning me into a zombie). *Fingers crossed* I hope this works. I'm gonna see if they can help me with my insomnia too.

EDIT #2:
This is taken from a comment I refuse to publish, b/c I have before and I am sick of people telling me that my meds are harmful. Maybe they are, but they have improved my quality of life tenfold. I will answer all of you here, so don't bother to comment, it won't be published. I know what's best for me, not you. So sod off.

I take this medication because it is my informed decision. I am also on mood stabilisers which have improved the quality of my life by 100%. I don't want any more comments about how it's "unfeminist" to be on medication. Trust me I have tried everything for my insomnia (I've had it since I was a kid) and for everything else, although I am going to an accupuncturist on Monday to see if we can do something about these muscle spasms and migraines. My therapist is a kick ass radical feminist. While she did suggest I go on a mood stabiliser she never pushed and after two years I decided that I would finally try it. My meds are my business. Yes I think the drug industry is fucked up, yes I am loathe to support them (even though my medicaid pays for it), but nevertheless I am more then happy to take the medications that I do. I have spent the last 7 years fighting this and I finally decided to try meds, and they work. So kiss my ass, it's not unfeminist.

Would you tell a diabetic that they couldn't have their insulin b/c it would be unfeminist for them? What about a cancer patient? Those of us who live with an illness are the only ones who it should matter to what we do to help alleviate our problems. I will never be ashamed for what I do to help me sleep, help to manage my moods, or help me manage the pain from my muscle spasms and migraines.

Also my "mom tapes" are not a load of patriarchal bullshit. I have severe PTSD because of the abusive environment I was raised in. My mother used to physically and emotionally abuse me. My "mom tapes" are the thoughts that keep repeating over and over in my head that are direct quotes from her. I do not think I am stupid and I know that I will definitely do something great with my life. I have all ready have. I have amounted to a kick ass activist who has published feminist theory and who is almost finished with her schooling in math and physics and is planning on attending grad school. But then there pops up my mom's annoying voice telling me that I'm shit, that I'm worthless, that I'm stupid and that I'll never amount to anything. Those are not my ideas, those are things that *she* told me. I named them my "mom tapes" not my awesome therapist. Again, it is my choice, my decision.

If you come to tell me that it's fucked up and I'm just a victim of the medical community you are ignoring any agency I have and my ability to decide what is best for me. Whether that is medication, naming my traumas, or anything else I decide to do to help alleviate the problems my disability throws at me it doesn't fucking matter what you think. Only I know what it's like to be me, not you, not anyone else. No one tied me down and forced this medication down my throat. No one forced me to accept the idea of mom tapes, in fact I feel that it's pretty damn accurate.


Anonymous said...

Why are you taking seroquel. {You mentioned it.} I mean, seriously, why? It just seems very sad to me that a feminist is relying on this shitty partriarchal medical establishment toxicity bullshit to help her with her life.

Seroquel: It's known to cause muscle spasms among many other horrific side effects. And then, of course, if someone is taking it they start that cascade of meds to treat the side effects of the previous med.

I'm astounded. And too old to be so polite to keep it to myself. Why are you harming yourself this way?

And the mom tapes. What patriarchal psychologist/psychiatrist mind rapist put that shit in your head? Burrow, I fear for you. And it's not because of whatever you're taking seroquel for, but because of what this women hating medical system is doing to you.

Anonymous said...

I didn't intentionally not sign my comment. Comment by Sis. Who else would dare.

nightgigjo said...

Kudos to you!

It is so true: I'm the only one who can really make the right decisions for me. Thanks for calling out those commenters who saw fit to try to run your life for you. It was a reminder to me to take care of myself, other people's opinions be damned.

I went through grad school with PTSD (not severe), although it was undiagnosed for the first couple years. It was tough, but I'm glad I finished. Lots of times I just wanted to quit. If nothing else, it showed me I could complete something I'd decided I would do.

Whatever sign of support is most meaningful to you (good thoughts, crossed fingers, whatever) -- I'm doing it. ^^

Rebecca said...

Sorry to hear about your tough week!

It's easy to feel inferior when you compare yourself with a so-called genius. I had a similar experience when I was taking karate -- it took me three years to get my brown belt, whereas another woman started the class after I'd been in it for two years, and we took the brown belt test at the same time. I have a complex about my (lack of) physical abilities, so I was pretty disheartened by my progress when compared with her. On the other hand, if I just compared my progress to what I expected I would be able to accomplish, I was really amazed. Getting a brown belt in karate is really impressive for somebody who once got a C in gym class, somebody who trips over her own shadow, etc.

And I think, similarly, you have made so much progress and it is so impressive! Not just anybody can do as well as you've done in school so far. And you're going to make it into grad school, I just know you will! Quite honestly, persistence is more important than genius when it comes to getting an advanced degree and working in a science field. You have that persistence, and you are obviously very smart and resourceful, and you will do great! :)

Terry said...

Absolutely NO ONE has a right to judge what you do to take care of yourself, meds or otherwise. You've accomplished a lot so far and you're going to reach a whole lot more on your own terms. You're amazing!

lost clown said...

Thanks everyone, this means a lot, especially after the week (actually, past couple of weeks) that I've had.

Thank you.