ARGH!!!!!

Do you know how excruciating it is to figure out the multiplicity of a large system without knowing how to use excel? (I can get everything but the f*&&ing combin function to work.) I've spent the past 3 hours working on that 1. stupid. function. I could have been at a cookout with my math geek and his band. Who, incidentally, just told me that he thinks he knows how to do it so I could have saved myself all the spitting and swearing and had some fun as well. &*^^$$#$$&^*(*)I)_()_%^%#@@!!#%^&^&*()*()()(_)_)*(&%^$$#$@@!$@#!


And I didn't get the REU. I know I should have applied for more, and I wanted to, I was just overwhelmed by evil Moore method class that unknowingly all the deadlines passed me by. That's what happens when you're drowning in anxiety. I fucking love this disability, let me tell you.

Speaking of which, without including the price of my daily dosage of Lamictal (300 mg) for the bipolar, my Xanax, and my inhaler my running total for monthly meds is $645.92. Thank god for medicaid. (And I know that people moan and scream that they don't want socialised health care b/c they don't want to pay for that, but trust me when I say it's a hell of a lot cheaper then my going to the ER for a shot for an anxiety attack (which I only go in for after being unable to sleep or calm down for at least 2 days.) And that was at least once a month. Morons.

EDIT:
To supplement my bad lernin' I've been visiting this site and taking quizzes including US Capitals, presidents and countries of Asia, Africa, etc, etc. I also hold the record time for naming all the Jane Austen novels.

The fervent misogyny of some Obama supporters makes me kick things

Now not all Obama supporters are raving misogynists, but they are out there and they are pissing me off and making me hate them more and more (whereas before I was just nervous about Obama.)

To those who want me and others like me to support your candidate, should he get the nomination, it would be in your best interest to publicly chide these people and get them to stop spewing their misogynist statements*. I don't have a complete list, but only recently in the NYT have the phrases "just as often she raises her voice to a shout that can sound grating" and "among other things, she has also been accused of having a grating voice and bad taste in clothes." Would we be hearing this if she was a man? No. You better do something, because whenever I do something it's dismissed b/c I support Hillary, not because I object to misogyny period.

Read it all here.

I found out that one of the Blogger Boyz whose site I no longer visit characterized the battle between the Hillary and Barry factions of the party as some kind of "lover's quarrel", where, once the Hillary side realizes it can't win, they will kiss and make up with the winner. We wimminz (because we all know Hillary supporters are just typical old white wimmin) will come around and vote for The Precious and if we don't, well then we're infantile.

....

To describe the unrelentingly savage and misogynistic assaults on Hillary Clinton over the course of this campaign as some kind of lover's quarrel that her (feminized) supporters will "get over" is deliberately overlooking the strand of violence that has been present in this campaign season in a way that I have not seen since the bourgeois "riot" at the Florida recount. Domestic violence is a better description.

...

Death threats called in to Black super delegates. Caucus goers threatend and forcibly blocked from entering the caucus location. Encouragement on major blogs to find out real life information about Hillary supporters and harras them in their place of work and in their homes. Threats of riots at the Denver convention If delegates fail to vote for The Golden One. Under the veneer of Hope and Change, this is a campaign that traffics in intimidation. You better do what we say... or else.

*I have not voted for a democrat for president in at least the past 3 cycles. But I was voting in NY and WA. This was the first year I was going to go democrat for pres, but the more misogyny I read in the papers and on blogs the more I say no if it's Obama b/c it means that I forgive such tactics, which I never will.

Holiday

So I've decided that part of my rigorous spring break schedule is going to be dedicated to making phone calls to Pennsylvania voters. I don't give a flying fig how many people are screaming that Hillary should back out all ready. I think it's great and exciting and I know more then a few Obama supporters who agree with me. (And also, I doubt they'd be saying Obama should pull out if it was him trailing....and it's not like it's an insurmountable difference.) This is exciting and I hear people talking about this election season so much more then the past few presidential election cycles. I like it. (I did also just watch the West Wing Dem convention and it was AWESOME.)

Should I be worried that I don't really like cold calling people? Oh well. I'm doing it anyway. I'd rather be volunteering in person, but oh well I can make calls from here.

I don't think I have enough time to read. I mean, you need to take breaks every few hours, so there need to be more days of spring break. Though I am hoping that I will be able to keep up with the Northanger Abbey read along (through the Austentatious Fiber Artists group at Ravelry a knitter's paradise) which will apparently be starting mid-April. A few chapters a week should be doable and keep me grounded, and a few chapters of Jane Austen no less! (with discussion!)

I got a B in Thermal Physics. Booo. But hopefully without living without a constant mixed manic state caused by evil moore method class will curb my absences. (As my anxiety attacks go down my attendance goes up! Fancy that! Who woulda thunk it.)

I get to go to the Post Office and get a refund since my express mail was guaranteed to be delivered on saturday and was delivered monday, which was when they said they'd begin reviewing applications, so I hope it's ok that they got it, but a money-back guarantee is a guarantee dammit.

Science Times was depressing today. Frogs are dying. Bats in NY are dying (90% of those being tracked in 4 locations.) *sad*

I should have been in bed hours ago. SPRING BREAK! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Edited to add: ETA means estimated time of arrival not edited to add dammit!

Oods and ends

-School starts Wednesday. Yippie.

-Even though my financial aid worker is second in command AND said I was DEFINITELY getting financial aid for Fall quarter I have none at this moment. NONE. And no one is able to tell me why the hell that is b/c I turned in my petition in May (MAY!) and have no idea what is going on. And apparently, they don't know what's going on either.

-Dating a math geek rocks. Though sometimes when we're in public we like to joke about women's "inferiority" in math because of those pesky ovaries and people take it the wrong way. They think we're serious. Like I'd ever date anyone who took that shit seriously. HA! (We also get weird looks because when we're at a coffeeshop or bar we'll make up math games. People are missing out by thinking math games are weird.)

-Have proved how big of a geek I am by buying textbook for the graduate Linear Algebra class and am up to chapter 4, having studied it and done the homework exercises. (One day I'm hoping to convince the department to let me take that class. I love me some Linear Algebra.)

-Really, really, REALLY need to clean. Badly. Will I? Mmmmmm, probably not.

-Don't want to go to school. Want more summer. But if the weather insists on being shitty I guess I'll be ok with school. I'd feel better starting school if it had ever been warm enough for me to spend a lot of time at the beach this summer. *sigh*

Angry school

gSooooo. It's been an interesting week. I bombed my first Limits (and Infinite Series hereafter referred to as Limits) quiz and when I went to talk to my prof about a question I had gotten wrong he first pissed me off a little by asking me if I understood things I had gotten right! Obviously I understood them. Then as I was leaving the office he told me that I have to do better on the next quiz. NO SHIT! I left his office and immediately started crying. Sitting through his class I stared at the floor the whole time thinking I was going to burst out crying again. I went home and proceeded to freak out (I had gotten a C on my first multivariate calculus quiz and even though I know I always suck at the first quiz I was feeling pretty rotten.)

I started thinking that I could never ever ever get a math degree, that I was too stupid (yes my mom was in my head that day telling me I'm stupid and I'll never be good enough) and that I should have majored in Comparative Literature because I know I can read and analyse or that I should just drop out of school because I'm just too stupid for a degree. (I'm so glad I didn't drop my classes that day like I though of doing.)

I got over it and I know I ACED the quiz today (because I had done the homework so often I had the answers memorized (those were the quiz questions) AND I've been thinking about limits when I can't sleep AND dreaming about them AND I studied Limits for 3 hours everyday this week.)

But besides that my friend Jonathan and I were talking and he said that it's only from his female friends that he hears about these kinds of things being said by a prof or a boss, and that it's never happened to him as a man. Which of course got us talking about the feminist theory behind why men in power behave differently towards men and women, etc, etc.

Needless to say I'm REALLY mad at my prof and when I get 100% on the quiz I know I'm going to want to jump up and yell "HAH!"

Holiday, uh, fun?

Things to do:

1) Prepare bag for day trip
2) Go to woods and/or secluded lake to avoid

a) Drunken idiots
b) Fireworks ALL DAY
c) a + b

3) Come home and complain more about stupid US holidays to foreign friends (because of a, b, c)
4) Tell countless people who wish me a happy 4th that I hate the 4th because of a, b, and c, and convince them it's not because I'm UnAmerican.
5) Make more iced coffee (taking the last bit with me to the lake/woods
6) Think about the fact that like 99% of the population really knows anything about the holiday just that it's a day off where they get to be drunk and stupid and shoot things that could set them (or someone or something else) on fire.
7) Hate the world when the stupid fireworks are being shot off by neighbours at 3 am like they have been the past week.
8) Plot my revenge. (did I mention 3 am fireworks for the past WEEK?!!!!)