Got my first acceptance letter

It's from Clemson University. WOO WOO.

Still waiting to hear back from my first and second choices: SUNY Stonybrook and UH Manoa.

Also starting in on crunch time for my research. The APS meeting is the weekend of May 12th/13th and I will be presenting then. I've got some great stuff about how to improve teaching methods and retention rates for women in STEM from various studies and C.M. Steeles' work on stereotype threat. More on this later.

WOOT WOOT I'm going to the Spring APS meeting

So my research prof has asked if I would be interested in presenting my research into differences in performance between men and women on the Force Concept Inventory, a test of basic understanding of Newtonian principles administered at the beginning and end of algebra and calculus based introductory physics courses, at the 11th Annual Meeting of the Northwest Section of APS.

While I'm not interested in going into Education Research and I'm not doing this as a Senior Project (or actually getting credit at all for this this quarter) it is something that I approached him and the other prof who is working on Physics Education research with at the end of last quarter and am highly interested in. I actually chose to get into Physics partly because my dream job is working for the NSF on working on increasing accessibility and retention of women and girls in STEM fields, so it kind of makes sense that this is what I am now doing. (Even though I am now in the mathematics department and in love with group and field theory and research I would never turn down a job at the NSF doing that.)

I am really excited and may be paying out of pocket (since I will have graduated at the end of this quarter) for one credit of independent study to work on this and to get departmental funds to present this at the APS conference. We also talked about me presenting it at scholar's week since it comes after the APS conference and I will already have everything put together. Also, even though this is not a senior project and I'm not officially a physics major I agreed to present my findings to the Physics Department as studies have shown that non-traditional teaching methods, i.e. those that incorporate interactive sessions, show greater improvement in women's scores then in men's (men's scores generally improve well no matter what teaching method is used.)

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I have to work on my presentation skills. Hopefully I will be able to post some of my findings here as I work on them more. I just received some new data so I'd like to add that first before I start talking about it publicly.

Calling all Scientists

Right now I'm doing some research on the Force Concept Inventory and gender differences in performance on the FCI. I have also been in contact with Laura McCullough and will hopefully be receiving a copy of what they used for research, the "Gender Force Concept Inventory." (In which there seemed to be a marked improvement by both sexes except on one problem.) We're (hopefully) going to give the GFCI & FCI (randomly) to both the algebra and calculus based classes next quarter.

Anyone have any resources, articles, etc on this subject? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

The cool thing is that J & A approached me with this idea for a research project.

I'll actually post more on what I'm doing later. There's more to what I'm doing, because what J & A are trying to do is figure out how to fine tune inquiry based physics education. J's original proposition was that he wanted to find of if inquiry based classes worked better for men or women, so that's the bigger picture and of course working on IB learning betterment regardless of gender. We're thinking that the FCI is a good place to start, but of course if the questions are crappy then we're never going to be able to accurately gauge how well the class is doing.

I'm a horrible student.

I haven't really studied for my DiffEQ final tomorrow and now So You Think You Can Dance is on so of course there's no studying for the next 2 hours. Heh. At least my final's not until 1 (like I'll want to get up much before then-sleep deprivation the last 2 weeks, ugh.)

But apparently I turned in the longest essay on Infrared Thermometry for my Thermal Physics class. Everyone else turned in a half and page or a paragraph. I turned in 2 pages. I do believe I should get an A. I went into a lot of detail, not just talking about the Stefan-Boltzmann equation like everyone else. If it was that easy why would it be our final? (I was in the library with the engineering books all day yesterday working on it.)

You know what's fun...

A homework problem that expects you to recall stuff from a course that you could have taken, oh, a YEAR ago. I'm not asking to be retaught it, but seriously if you would have told me the equation, or anything like where to find it so I could refresh my knowledge, that would be great.

I hate this class, which is a shame since I loved DiffEQs before. I mean it's not like I have homework problems that are 2-3 page BURLY derivations like in Modern Physics. Gah. I'll be done with this class (and the quarter) next Thursday. Thank Her Holy Hoovedness.

ARGH!!!!!

Do you know how excruciating it is to figure out the multiplicity of a large system without knowing how to use excel? (I can get everything but the f*&&ing combin function to work.) I've spent the past 3 hours working on that 1. stupid. function. I could have been at a cookout with my math geek and his band. Who, incidentally, just told me that he thinks he knows how to do it so I could have saved myself all the spitting and swearing and had some fun as well. &*^^$$#$$&^*(*)I)_()_%^%#@@!!#%^&^&*()*()()(_)_)*(&%^$$#$@@!$@#!


And I didn't get the REU. I know I should have applied for more, and I wanted to, I was just overwhelmed by evil Moore method class that unknowingly all the deadlines passed me by. That's what happens when you're drowning in anxiety. I fucking love this disability, let me tell you.

Speaking of which, without including the price of my daily dosage of Lamictal (300 mg) for the bipolar, my Xanax, and my inhaler my running total for monthly meds is $645.92. Thank god for medicaid. (And I know that people moan and scream that they don't want socialised health care b/c they don't want to pay for that, but trust me when I say it's a hell of a lot cheaper then my going to the ER for a shot for an anxiety attack (which I only go in for after being unable to sleep or calm down for at least 2 days.) And that was at least once a month. Morons.

EDIT:
To supplement my bad lernin' I've been visiting this site and taking quizzes including US Capitals, presidents and countries of Asia, Africa, etc, etc. I also hold the record time for naming all the Jane Austen novels.

Holiday

So I've decided that part of my rigorous spring break schedule is going to be dedicated to making phone calls to Pennsylvania voters. I don't give a flying fig how many people are screaming that Hillary should back out all ready. I think it's great and exciting and I know more then a few Obama supporters who agree with me. (And also, I doubt they'd be saying Obama should pull out if it was him trailing....and it's not like it's an insurmountable difference.) This is exciting and I hear people talking about this election season so much more then the past few presidential election cycles. I like it. (I did also just watch the West Wing Dem convention and it was AWESOME.)

Should I be worried that I don't really like cold calling people? Oh well. I'm doing it anyway. I'd rather be volunteering in person, but oh well I can make calls from here.

I don't think I have enough time to read. I mean, you need to take breaks every few hours, so there need to be more days of spring break. Though I am hoping that I will be able to keep up with the Northanger Abbey read along (through the Austentatious Fiber Artists group at Ravelry a knitter's paradise) which will apparently be starting mid-April. A few chapters a week should be doable and keep me grounded, and a few chapters of Jane Austen no less! (with discussion!)

I got a B in Thermal Physics. Booo. But hopefully without living without a constant mixed manic state caused by evil moore method class will curb my absences. (As my anxiety attacks go down my attendance goes up! Fancy that! Who woulda thunk it.)

I get to go to the Post Office and get a refund since my express mail was guaranteed to be delivered on saturday and was delivered monday, which was when they said they'd begin reviewing applications, so I hope it's ok that they got it, but a money-back guarantee is a guarantee dammit.

Science Times was depressing today. Frogs are dying. Bats in NY are dying (90% of those being tracked in 4 locations.) *sad*

I should have been in bed hours ago. SPRING BREAK! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Edited to add: ETA means estimated time of arrival not edited to add dammit!

Relief and sadness

I express mailed my REU application yesterday, the essay nearly killed me (oh grad school apps are going to be awesome).

I passed evil Moore method class. Granted it was a C, but I passed nonetheless and it will average out with my A in Abstract Algebra so it's not too bad. (And my A in Thermal Physics. Granted those grades haven't been posted, but unless I got 0's on my finals, which I can guarantee I did not get, I should be getting A's.)

When I (flippantly) mentioned that my math geek could teach in Houston (I *really* like the program at Rice, thanks Rebecca! but no matter where I go it will not be in this state or (hopefully) anywhere west of the Mississippi) his only response was that his scholarship is dependent upon him teaching in state for the next 3 or 5 years (he wasn't sure which). But he did say that the program sounded really good and we agree that I should go if I get accepted. It just makes me really really sad. He wasn't averse to the idea of moving (and he does have a job which is highly portable: high school math teacher), he just has to be here for awhile. Oh well, that is in the future, but it's still a sobering thought and one that doesn't exactly fill me with warm fuzzies.

At least I get to read and it's nice to not have classes because I get to meet up with my math geek everyday after he finishes school for coffee or an early dinner. (Since my afternoon spring break schedule consists of me buying a New York Times, going to my favourite coffee shop, yelling at the paper and talking to my friends I have neglected because of school.)

[imitation drunken coed voice]
Spring break '08. WOOOOOOOOOO!
[/imitation drunken coed voice]

To do

1) Abstract Algebra final due Wednesday
final check before turning take home in Wednesday

2) answer thermal physics final question (ONLY ONE) due Tuesday morning

3) prove ONE MORE FUCKING PROOF before Wednesday's 2 hour class proved nothing, but then neither did 68% of the class.

4) mail the Buffy DVDs I sold on Amazon this week by Tuesday

5) celebrate the end of finals and *sigh*

6) take out friend from Abstract class on wed. night for drinks starting with trivia night

7) write essay for REU

8) YAY SPRING BREAK!!!!! mmmmm *rubs hands together and ogles the pile of books on the desk*

Tips for application "essays" (REU)

I'm applying to an REU this summer in geometric group theory that I really really want.

The about blurb:

Geometric group theory lies at the crossroads of geometry, topology, and group theory, yet many of its questions can be attacked by undergraduates. In the first two weeks of the REU, we will explore what it means for a group to have a geometry. We'll start with a hands-on introduction to non-Euclidean geometries, tilings, how to draw graph pictures of groups, and how groups can act on spaces. We will also look at an assortment of groups arising from topology and geometry, such as braid groups, reflection groups, and fundamental groups of surfaces. We will discuss algorithmic questions, such as how to tell when two strings of group generators actually determine the same element in the group.

And the "Statement of Interest" is your standard 1-2 page why do you want to do this REU, what are your interests, mathematical or otherwise, your career plans (pure mathematician or mathematical/theoretical physicist? who knows?!) and other info.

What do people look for? I highly doubt that they care about my interest in circus, so I'm safe there. ;)

Also, the deadline is in 10 days and one of my prof's hasn't gotten back to me about a rec letter. I need a second and no one else really knows me that well. What do I do? FOUND!

Pi day!

SO today at 1:59 (3/14 1:59 haha) that math department showed this HI-larious video called The Great Pi/e Debate. (I would LOVE to have Garrity as one of my prof's. He's hysterical! I love it! I do like the prof's that get all crazy and yell. Branco does that all the time especially with proofs, it's highly amusing.)

I also found this:

e vs pi!

"Ladies and Gentlemen, in the one corner we have pi. First written about by Euclid, pi is the ratio of the circumference of any circle to its diameter. Pi's been baffling people for millennia with its ability to just keep going without end. And here's the thing folks, it's the same for ALL circles! you can have a circle so small you can't even see it, and it'll be pi times as big around as it is across. And then you can draw a circle around your house, and same thing. If you had a circle that went all the way around the universe, people, its circumference would be pi times its diameter."

"And in the other corner, the scrappy young e! e was studied by the mathemetician Euler in the 1700s, e certainly doesn't have as much experience as pi, and at a measly 2.71828, certainly gives up a weight advantage to pi's 3.14159, but don't let that fool you folks...e can go on just as bafflingly long as pi, and represents the limit as n approaches infinity of (1 + 1/n)n. It is the base for the natural logarithm! The graph of f(x)=ex has a slope of exactly ex at any value of x! That's right folks, it derives its OWN tangent!"

"AND WITH THAT, e takes an early jab at pi, which reels back but quickly multiplies itself by i and raises e to...-1! Oh, e is hurting people but quickly re-derives itself from itself showing pi the versatility of truly interdimensional mathematics..., pi confined merely to the cartesian plane is quickly lost in its meager foray into Complex mathematics, and tries to re-aquire geometric footing..."

"But Pi's not done here folks, the referee can't really comprehend this higher-calculus either and quickly breaks up the hold. Pi immediately starts spinning out sine waves, proving its utility to electrical and recording engineers worldwide, but e is unimpressed. Despite lying "undiscovered" for centuries longer than pi, e demonstrates its presence throughout nature in the shell of the nautilus, the expansion of the universe, and even the architectual designs of pi's Greek contemporaries."

"Pi stumbles back, dumbfounded and weakly shields itself with a large circle, but its bag of tricks appears to be running empty, and e is just getting started, as it begins to feed itself into continuously-compounding interest equations, showing off its economic maximizing potential. But it's still not done, it's now rubbing pi's face in the base-e numerical system, with the undisputed most efficient economy of numerical width times radix, leaving no doubt as to where the "natural logarithm" got its name."

"Now I must say here, folks that stylisticaly speaking, pi looks good, but e has the undeniable presence advantage, being found on every keyboard, while pi is inherently difficult to type, not even being included in the ASCII character set. Nobody's confusing e with dessert, either, and the game may be stacked here, but ln(e1)=1, while ln(pi1) is incredibly ugly."

"Pi is definitely outclassed here. It's a textbook case of a long-time champion growing overconfident in its size and inertia and getting out maneuvered by a leaner, meaner number who just wanted it more. The winner by undisputed decision and a KNOCKOUT is...."

"eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

This deathmatch brought to you by by the balanced ternary number 111, and the letter theta

(source here)

Hope this doesn't spoil this for ya, but e wins twice in one day! That's my constant!

e!e!e!e!e!e!e!e!e!e!e!e!e!e!e!e!e!e!

in other news: physics final: one question about entropy of the universe, easy. to be done on Monday with some other physics students. algebra final: done with page one, gonna do a little here, a little there, meeting with someone before wednesday (when it's due.) evil deathly proofs class: must prove at least one more thing for wednesday.

oh my good god

1) I have an algebra assignment I haven't touched, but at least it's due Tuesday.

2) Due to all the stress this quarter I have missed 99% of the deadlines for my REUs, but I'm sure my prof's sent off their rec letters since they're awesome (I did plan ahead and talked to them all at the beginning of January and what I was missing were mostly the essays). There aren't many that start mid-June or later. Damn quarter system. There is one I didn't miss at UIUC (FIghting Illini, my dad's alma mater and only 3 1/2 hours from Chicago, huzzah!) on groups and I've all ready talked to the professor leading the REU on groups who encouraged me to apply even though I will be missing the first few days due to finals. (I did mention in the email how excited I am by groups and we have corresponded about her research which I hope will be helpful in getting into the REU).

3) I have half finished my take home physics exam, but I just have to call some of the other kids in my class because my prof conveniently forgot to lecture on it, though the second problem is missing 2 important ingredients to find the equilibrium temperature and pressure, the change in internal energy, and the change in entropy, namely the initial temperatures and pressures of the 2 systems. I emailed him about this, though.

4) I LOVE The West Wing. It's awesome.

5) My loverly math geek got up this morning and cleaned up the biohazard that was my kitchen sink. Have I mentioned how much I love my math geek lately? Anxiety severely reduces the amount of spoons (which has nothing to do with dishes) I have and my dishes have not been done in about 5/6 weeks. He is very brave and oh so awesome for doing that. *sigh* I'm so lucky.

6) I SLEPT! and I feel rested! (One does not necessarily imply the other.) I did my physics!

This is kind of cool: why anxiety means homework goes unfinished

My kick-ass rad fem therapist today and I were talking about (what else) the overwhelming anxiety I am having from my proofs class which is coupled with the fact that I went to see him today to ask for help and he just stared at me. (You should listen to him when people who are doing well in the class go in for help, he's super-helpful. All other C students like me say the same thing: when you ask him something he stares at you, but he'll help the people who all ready get it. Being one of 3 resources for the class (another one being his crappy definitions and the third being me, who can't figure out the definitions and is therefore struggling to stay afloat) this SUCKS.)

ANyway, back to my story. There is, of course, some PTSD triggers thrown in there as well. So much about this mirrors being in a house with my abusive mom: having to be somewhere I hate while being helpless and having no one to turn to (b/c yes I *can* get a tutor, but all the math fellows either a) tell me they did horribly at the class, b) took it from someone else and every prof covers different material, or c) blocked it out of their memory), and then there's the constant replays of my mom's voice telling me I'm stupid and a litany of other similar things. HOORAY! Isn't my head a fun place to be these days? My best friend begged me to leave the class (we have similar mental health (dis)Abilities and are always watching out for one another, but I can't. I have 2 friggin' quarters to go and I will have that BS in my hands. Can't change now, don't want to either. Like math, want to continue doing math for a very very long time. Must push through even though b/c of this class they've upped my Xanax AND my Lamictal. Heh. (and I had to double my xanax dose yesterday b/c one just didn't work)

SO, here's the cool part. My therapist likes to explain how these things work inside your brain by modeling it for me. I really like this. SO today she showed me how anxiety and PTSD affect the entire brain, not just how PTSD traps you in your midbrain (and how the techniques we use like EMDR try to put these things into words instead of just emotions which move them out of your midbrain and make them something that is easier to deal with and not an automatic reaction.)

She held out her hand in a closed fist: this is your brain (I know you probably all pictured the frying pan, but shake it out), she then opened her fist and pointed to the middle of her hand and said "this is your amygdala" and then to her thumb and said "this is your hypothalamus" and re-closed her hand. She then said "this is normally how your brain is, but when you get activated, or in a manic state, or in a mixed state (which happens to me when I get activates), or have anxiety this happens" and she opened her hand (which makes sense since in PTSD the midbrain takes over) "and your neocortex is unable to function properly."

I all ready knew that anxiety meant that I was not going to get anything done, but it's nice to have an idea of *why* nothing gets done. Although I'm sure if I had a more technical explanation I would just be confused.

Finals start the 17th, we don't have a final in this class, just a 2 hour class period of, yay, proofs that Wednesday. Everyone keep their fingers crossed that I don't have a nuclear meltdown before then, because it really feels like I am heading for a major one and I really REALLY hate the idea of having one because of something that I put myself through.

*sigh*

I had an anxiety attack talking to my prof trying to do proofs. (He is only helpful to those who are doing well in the class, this has been confirmed by many classmates, the asshole.) SO I left. This period of the class I have only done 2 proofs, I hope that's enough for a C, I did one hard proof so I hope that counts for something. That and I've done a couple of unsuccessful proofs so it's obvious that I'm trying. The 1 mg of Xanax made it kind of hard to finish the proof I was working on since it makes my brain all floaty. *sigh*

Tonight's trivia night and one of two nights a week I get to spend with my math geek and I can't seem to get off the couch. UGH. I don't know what to do. *sigh* Having an anxiety disorder and an anxiety inducing class sucks. A LOT.

In light of my last post

My abstract algebra midterm had a delightful question on it that was just too easy:
If G is a group in which every element is its own inverse, then G is abelian.
(HA! Too easy. I LOVE proving that things are abelian, and this is super easy. Wanna see? Too late!)

NOTE: I am not saying that if you can't do this you are not smart, but compared to other things in group theory I think this is one of the easiest things to do.

NTS. If G is a group in which every element is its own inverse, and then G is abelian.
Proof:
and



We can do the same for b.

Since we can cancel and therefore which shows that G is abelian.
QED.

I also finally just got latex for blogger to work and wanted to use it. Also, I just really liked doing this proof. It's fun, and did I mention easy?

Wow, this explains A LOT!

So, thanks to wonderful women science bloggers from my blogroll (like Science Woman and Mad Scientist) I have found an article about Imposter Syndrome that is in this week's Science Careers.

"Impostor syndrome" is the name given to the feelings that Abigail and many other young scientists describe: Their accomplishments are just luck or deceit, and they're in over their heads. The key to getting past it, experts say, is making accurate, realistic assessments of your performance. Perhaps equally important: knowing you're not alone. Abigail thinks that sharing her feelings with other people is how she will eventually come to grips with her sense of feeling like an impostor. "It's fantastic to hear other people say, 'I've felt that way, too.' "

It's a feeling I get often, thinking that I have somehow gotten this far in math and physics by dumb luck or cheating, though I have never EVER done the second one, but I still feel that somehow I *must* have done something to warrant it. Example: For abstract algebra we get notes for a test, and I know there will be T/F problems on it, and I have space left on my sheet because I've all ready written all the definitions, proofs, and theorems that I can not easily remember or access (my brain looks just as messy as my work space), so I type up all the T/F questions with the answers (I've had the prof before and know they'll be the same questions). I got them all right when I answered them on the homework, and I have horrible test anxiety, but it feels like I'm cheating, even though I know the material well, having A's on the homework and knowing that other people in the class (who are mostly math fellows and grad students) are doing the *exact* same thing that I am doing. It feels like cheating, but I'm still doing it, because I know it's a big portion of my grade and to be honest, I can do homework, I can help people, I know the material inside and out, but I bomb on tests. ALWAYS. It's why I've gone from an A to a B in some of my classes. The damn final.

I get extra time on tests because I have a severe anxiety disorder. I am getting a tutor for my proofs class because (dis)Ability resources stepped in and intervened because I was having anxiety attacks every time I did the homework and even one in class the other day. This is the class we're supposed to do Moore Method though the way it is described in the link sounds wonderful compared to the way my class is run. *I* do not learn well this way, not at all. A few of my classmates told me that they are fine with this and expressed concern over my anxiety problems (it's a small department and one of them is a math fellow and I tried to keep this away from them since I didn't want to lord it over them, but they found out). This is obviously something that is warranted due to my disability, but it still feels like it's an unfair advantage over others (though I'm sure that they don't have to get up and take a walk around the building to calm down during a test as to keep from having a full blown anxiety attack.)

I have passed classes I've never studied for, and actually done really well. So why do I feel like I somehow don't deserve this? Like I won't be able to survive grad school or post-grad school research (I want to go into research) because somehow someone will discover that I can't do it, that I'm incapable, that I don't know what I'm doing, that I'm horrible at math and physics. I'm 2 1/2 quarters away from completing an undergrad degree in mathematics (the last quarter being computer programming and math history being the only required classes, so really only one more quarter of real math classes (I am also taking quantum mechanics b/c I'm a geek and may be going into mathematical physics)) and I have to constantly remind myself that I AM smart, that I DO know this.

It's strange that I have to continually remind myself of these things so close to my goal. I am passing my proofs class, even through all the anxiety (which up until I was told I could have a tutor was giving me such horrible anxiety I was unable to sleep for the first 6 weeks of the quarter), and I am IN LOVE with my abstract algebra class. It was really tough for the first assignment, but the last one was easy, I was helping other people out with their homework, and I was LOVING it. I'm confident that I will do well on the test tomorrow. I love this stuff and am seriously considering going to graduate school for it. It's fun and it comes really easy for me. But I still feel like there's a catch. But I'm just going to try and beat it out of my head. I may not be a grad student or a professional, but knowing that other people feel this way is v v helpful. I CAN do this, and I AM good at this.

UGH. I hate this ridiculousness.

How it works from xkcd

*sigh*

Anxiety attack in math class today

I almost started screaming at someone in class today (do you *really* need to prove 3 things in one class when you were the one who proved the most proofs for the "first 3rd". You only raise the bar for the rest of us who were ecstatic (and I'm not the only one) of proving 3 in the last period, now we'll have to do more. We're 2 weeks in and I have none, but then again every time I try to do a proof I have an anxiety attack.) But (thankfully) instead I had a *quiet* anxiety attack and cried for the last 30 minutes of my class. It was AWESOME.

So here's the email I just shot off to my advocate at disability resources:

I have a math class in which my anxiety has got progressively worse in as
the quarter goes on. It's Math 312, Intro to Proofs via Elementary
Analysis. The style of the class is "teach yourself." We are given
definitions and sometimes theorems that, frankly, I do not find
illuminating or helpful and I do not find the prof helpful either. We're
not allowed to use any other resources, other people, books, etc.

Prior to today I was only having anxiety attacks every time I attempted to
do a proof, but today I had an anxiety attack during class. I am having a
horrible time and this class has just made my depression and my anxiety
worse. I can't get myself to school sometimes because of this class. And
I know it's going to get worse. I don't think I will be able to make it
through this class, but it's a requirement.

Is there anything you can do? I have to pass this class, but I don't
think I'll survive this and with only 2 quarters left, and full with the
rest of my requirements I don't think I'll be able to fit it anywhere else
(and everyone teaches the class this way).

Need I say again that I think this class is incredibly unfair to people with anxiety disorders (like me).

Oh and for good news, 48/50 on my Abstract Algebra homework (both points lost were ridiculous, they were things I knew that I forgot to put into my proof. ARGH!) Pure mathematics ROCKS!

i will, i will, i will

I WILL leave the house in time to go to school tomorrow.

I WILL go to EVERY class, even if one of my prof's doesn't lecture on the material (our test on Wednesday had questions from 3 chapters ahead of what we were assigned to study. WHo does that? No reading, no lecture, no homework. I have no idea how the hell we were supposed to know that. I just looked up temperature in the index and read EVERY section on it until I got to the relevant one.) , the other prof lectures straight from the book, and the last class is the evil proofs class where I desperately feel as though I will fly into a blind rage or cry at any given moment.

I WILL finish that damn proof I've been working on for 3 hours. (mixing delta/epsilon proofs with cluster points and continuity (but at least it's a closed set and I *know* how to do it in a hand wave-y way, but not a "rigorous" way *sigh* I can explain the concepts and how it will work, but how to put it all together to form that whole crappy rigorous proof thing, bah. Have I mentioned lately that I hate this class? He doesn't like it when I turn in proofs written in the style that my 401 prof likes them to be written. ARGH. At least I get A's for those assignments, so it's not that I can't write proofs, just not these (since I can't use a damn book)))

I WILL get up 2 hours early to go to my prof's office hours so I can finish said proof.

I WILL do my physics homework tonight, even though I will have an hour between office hours and class tomorrow.

I WILL drink that glass of wine tonight so that I can make sure I will actually sleep so I can get #' 1, 2, and 3 done.

I WILL FINALLY call the doctor's office and make that appointment to up the dose on my medication that I so direly need since I've had a "low mood" (nice euphemism for depression) for the past 3 weeks.

Ugh. *fingers crossed* these things actually happen.

Looks like it's time for a med update

I've had insomnia for the past 2/3 weeks, bouts of depression and mania, and it is seriously interfering with school. I got 3 1/2 hours of sleep last night and I have a test tomorrow and can't fall asleep now and just want to cry. I want to go to the emergency room as I can't get in to see my doc during office hours until next week b/c they'll give me some valium and I'll be able to sleep at the very least which will make everything SO much more bearable. It'll just screw up my school stuff, and I really can't afford that, but if I don't get any sleep tonight I will definitely have to go tomorrow or Thursday b/c I don't think I could wait for Thursday, and it would be nice to *actually* be able to hang out with my partner.